Fighter loses drive

[zzzmykids]

I have had depression since I was eleven.  Screwed up and did lots of crazy things for years. GP diagnosed at 42. Took me off meds cold turkey for over week.  I did the dt's for pain meds and all the psychotrops.  Landed in hospital for ten days....first in lock down.  From that point I have had a pdoc to treat me. Was back almost to normal a little over a year ago and bang a semi hit me while I was stopped. The only lasting effects is I am not the same.  I am 52 noe and take  a cocktail of meds to stay level, sleep at night.  Problem, my lawyer dropped my case which was depressing, my son in law thinks I just need to work on it more and one daughter is angry because I don't get out of bed very often.  I can fake it with grandbabies, but all my kids, two girls a son in law, two grandbabies, my husband and three dogs live together in a very large home, so hard to fake it anymore.  I realize, I don't fight to get well, I don't care anymore.  Not suicidal, just tired. Anybody been here? Im not ever overly depressed at this time.
zzzmykids

[zzzmykids]

It has been a week since I saw psych. He lowered the effexorxr...I think..in  half...I was really out of it for some time, but I halved it and take the abilify.  No dt's, aok. Waking at nine or before and staying up most of the day. Not "faking it, irishwriter, for anyone right now.  Gosh that was so real, irishwriter...we are the best fakers, smartest liars, greatest visionaries, and most intelligent people on the face of the earth.
I see doc again on this next Friday to recommend another to replace the effexor.
How can I say this to a whole lot of people I don't know?  Because we are one in the seriousness and disabling caused by the pit.  I am grateful to each of you for helping me get this far.
Irishwriter....please see your psych, add seroquel or abilify to enhance the effectiveness of what your taking.  If it is one not specific to Bipolar get it changed.  I am so sorry you are having to fake it, alone, struggling and just in your dark place.  Please hear me when I say,  you are not really alone we are here and God is really holding onto you and loves you much.
zzz out

[irishwriter]

sorry, didn't see this post til now. have lived with this for thirty years and am also at point where i just don't care anymore. lost belief in meds and am also spending a lot of time in bed. am faking it for my daughter (fifteen) but finding even that difficult. the act gets harder and harder as time goes by. i hope you feel better soon.

[zzzmykids]

Sorry didn't mean to sound like I was excluding you two.   Thank you both for you kindness, help and encouragement.  Sorry Monkeyc you have felt this way also.
I'm just getting used to checking the sight and scrolling down.
Take care,
zzzmykids

[zzzmykids]

I'm so new to this! Didn't know there were more posts!  Yesterday, though in bed, I got all my phone calling out of the way.  Then last night exhausted from talking so much, I was very quiet.  But went...didn't drive, but went to my grandaughters half time production with her gymnastics team....she is five and the youngest in the group.  Came home, watched American Idol...both daughters graduated with music performance and business degrees from college...so we find this fun.  Hubby came back and watched it with me in bed cuddling. I gained back thirty five pounds after taking it off in six months, gained it back in about four months. All my family, both daughters, son in law, two grandbabies and an extra dog are living with us....big house...lots of places to get away including secluded areas in back yard so not a problem.  I am working with my niece who was just diagnosted BP 1 delusional, a friends husband BP2 off meds and another BP2...all by phone except the couple, I won't listen or go anywhere with another male without my husband or his wife.  So I am getting better but still don't care.  I KNOW how to fight, have been depressed since eleven.  I understand this is a new time and a time to learn and grow stronger.  I had an accident over a year and a half ago, this changed me, I think permanately.  I wasn't hurt badly but I did see the semi scraping off the side of my drivers side up to the second door as I sat still at a light.  I changed forever two days later.  Was in the pit of agony and darkness for over six months.  Out a month and then this....I don't care thing, low depression.  I am only angry on the manic side.  I've started a new prayer group at church....when I have passion, I can get up.  Later will start a help for the depressed at church.  Christians don't like to admit they are depressed and live in silence because they believe it is something they are doing or will be seen as that.  This will be very confidetial with a counselor over us and another person, a guy for the men to talk with.  Sounds like a lot but most can be done from bed, as this entry can.  I washed and folded clothes...on the bed....yesterday along with the phone calls.  Thank you so much for the  entries, the concern, the care and the new friendships.  You make me know I am not alone.
It all helped,
zzzmykids

[LeftCoastChick]

Do you think you are further depressed because you aren't getting validation for your feelings? Being told you just need to work on "it", sure sounds like it to me. As well, shame in any form is a real mood killer. You can talk your head off, but until you acknowledge and care about how you feel, it's not going to change. You are still young, but you are talking like you are ancient! It's important to ask for support, chances are you will get it, demand it you have to. You deserve respect. Don't take how you feel lying down. Underneath depression (non physiologica or BP)l ,for many folks including myself is anger, downright anger. It took a long time before I that out. I hope this helps :)

[tres1965]

I've SOO been there. I was suicidal 8 yrs. ago, and that black dog of depression was nipping at my ankles. I was on a cocktail of NUMEROUS drugs, all "scripts". so that made them okay Right? Not even! I slept all the time, over ate, cried, lied, get the pic'? No one could reach me, then 1 day a close friend of mine took me out for the  day & just indulged me, I was awakened then, felt feelings again, the daylight didn't hurt again. I MADE myself start going to the kids sport events once again, first I sat away in the car, then gradually got closer, then got out of the car! My point is this...if, if, you don't try, even gradually, you will continue to lay in bed & get more & more depressed. I fight this also, but I try too. I MAKE myself not revert totally, & then maybe, just maybe we will feel like we are worth it! If you ever want someone to email, & need a shoulder! Try ME...

[zzzmykids]

I have a smile, thank you.  By the way I trust my psych not to play him and I tell him Everything.
Thank you.
zzzmykids

[bernie40]

I hope all goes well at your appt, please let us know :-)

[zzzmykids]

Thank you, Bulldozer,
I see a psychiatrist.  I see a Christian counselor that allows me to talk my head off. I have a great support system.  What I am saying is, I have managed depression since I was eleven.  Medicated since I was 42 now 53. Understand the hope and the joy found in Christ.  This is different and I have been down the pit almost to the bottom.  This is, no fight left, not a high level of depression, just don't care anymore to get better.  I am  in bed 90 percent of time.  Highly functional when need be....grew up Army brat know how to "fake" it.  I see psych this Friday and will tell him everything.  You were kind to answer and suggest, thank you, again.
zzzmykids

[bernie40]

Hi,

This is how I got, the fight had left me, the bounce had gone flat and I just could not put that brave face on anymore.  This is depression.  You need to speak to your psychiatrist about looking at your meds to see if a little tweaking is in order to help.  Its also worth seeing if there is a good therapist who can help you manage your depression.  Talk therapy is mentioned a lot on this forum and many people consider it vital alongside meds to enable stability.  I haven't had the chance to try it myself yet but I will be as soon as the psych gives the go ahead.

[monkeyc]

Im like that now in some ways, I just do not care anymore.  No idea how to fix it.