schmuck, unsure

[tres1965]

I'm not sure I should post this or not, but a lot of ya'll seem to understand what we as Bi-polars go thru. Here is my rant. I am so easily taken advantaged of, & I try & try to establish boundries, but I fall short on them each & every time. I've been pondering on this since yesterday evening. My Brother is a very, very sick person. He has every sign of B-Polar aspects. But he may just be mean/drugged out/loser. He won't go to a DR, though he desperately needs to. So as far as him I've learned to write him off, for my wellbeing. Anyhow, I digress, his wife came by last evening crying. They have 3 teenage kids, 17, 16, 15...so she begged me for food as their 'fridge was bare & her cabinets also..so, being the schmuck I am, I gave her bag after bag of food. She asked me for $$$ but I refuse to buy her 'habits'. I did manage to tell her that this will NOT happen again, to go to work or anything but I can't support everyone. I am on disability for medical issues myself. This is what I need help on..
WHY do I do this? I am barely able to 'get' by & I do this..very down on myself since I did/do this. THX, Tres

[cowgirlnerd]

I agree - the children shouldn't suffer because of the parents - I think pointing them in directions like the food shelves, (are they on the food stamp program), and making sure that they are safe and fed is important.  You just shouldn't be the saving grace - help them - if you choose to - by getting them the help they need through other avenues.

Very good points.  Remember you must be healthy to move on with your life, also.  You deserve to be healthy, fed, and taken care of, as well.  

[irishwriter]

ypu can only do your best and it is sad that you feel that your sister in law was taking advantage. it is difficut for anyone with a heart to refuse food so dont feel bad about it and you did make it clear it wouldn't happen again. you have enough on your plate at the minute besides adding your brother's load to it. could you talk to him or his wife about them getting help from authorities not you. good luck with it but remember you need to take care of yourself and your own,

[LetaB]

  Also point these relatives is the direction of FOOD SHELVES and perhaps other local charities - there are resources out there! You are not God or any other resource for them but moral support from now on. Don't kick yourself for being duped - what hard hearted person could think of children going hungry? You are a decent person. My advice would be to have the number for the food shelf in hand if they come calling again.

[RJ233]

I would think of it like this, the children needed food and you were graceful enough to give it to them. You gave her a warning to get herself together to feed those children, it may make her think, probably not. As a person, I would have done the same thing, only for the sake of the children. She may have come to you to take advantage of your good nature, but had you not given food for them, you would have felt worse. I have given food before for children when we were in hard times and the person was in hard times that I gave it too. But, if you know that is going on, call Social Services. The children should not suffer because of uncaring, self centered, abusive parents. Not providing food and necessities for children is abuse and I would not hesitate to call a legal authority on them. If they were on hard times, that is one thing, but purposely neglecting to take care of their children is an entirely different matter. I cannot tolerate a parent that ignores their responsibilties and let their children go hungry. If she knocks on your door again, tell her you'll do her one better, go back home and you will see she gets what she needs. Then pick up the phone and report them. Chances are if they aren't being fed, that is not all that they lacking.

[cowgirlnerd]

One of the pitfalls of BP is poor judgment.  My pdoc calls me the chameleon because I adjust to fit the environment, but also that I am an extreme people pleaser.  One thing that's been hard for me to realize that MY health is the most important and it's ok to think that way.

Even though it's hard, you have to be able to realize that even if your brother is sick - you aren't qualified to make his diagnosis.  You have to realize that he has to get that help himself and it's ok to feel bad for him and his family - but you have to be a little selfish about your own health - and sympathy doesn't mean you have to financially help them.  

Another pitfall of BP is that we are typically good at manipulating others also - so your brother might be doing that as well, to appeal to your good natured "savior" personality trait.  The only problem is that when you do "save" them - you feel guilty for being taken advantage of - and that's probably what you are wrestling with the most.

It's frustrating to feel you are doing all you can to stay healthy, WANT to see your brother healthy - but he is resisting being healthy, want to help them, but don't want to be taken advantage of either.  If you can afford to help them - do so (if you want to) - if you can't say you can't and don't feel guilty about it.  

Once you start to stand up for yourself and put yourself first, it's very empowering.  

My prayers are with you - my issue is my 19 year old son that is my person that I want to save all of the time.  It's hard.  

Rach