Bipolar

[louiesoto]

I've been "best friends" with a man for 4 years.  1 year ago he was hired by a company and never went to the job.  He isolated himself and drank for almost 2 weeks.  He seemed to get it together (he hid his problem from me) and got another job in a city far away and did the same thing in a hotel room.  I helped him get home and get into a treatment
regimen - he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, started taking Antabuse, going to meetings, exercising, eating right,
and got another job in a far away city.  He was living a healthy existence for 7 months.  Now it seems he has done the same thing.  In the course of 1.5 years he has gotten 3 jobs and lost them.  I care about him but don't know how to proceed.  He has also been prescribed Depakote for the bipolar and it seems to be working.  

I want to change my number and pretend he doesn't exist but I can't.  I really know that he can't help it and needs a friend.  Am I the crazy one?!  Is this man disabled enough so that he can't work - what is your take on all of this?

[louiesoto]

In your last post you gave me the great insight.  He is on his way home in the next couple of days.  He left a long message and actually said he wasn't ready to talk just yet.  I understand that.  I will do what you said and listen. If you have any other insight
I would be glad to hear it.

Can you give me some idea about what might be going through his mind right now.

[louiesoto]

In your last post you gave me the best insight.  He is on his way home in the next couple of days.  He left a long message and actually said he wasn't ready to talk just yet.  I understand that.  I will do what you said and listen. If you have any other insight
I would be glad to hear it.

[BipolarBear75]

HI, I thought I would just add one more thing to what Bulldozer said. I think that the reason why he does the whole search, interview and getting the job only to end up shutting down is that he really thought he could do it...each time I am sure he thought that this time "he could do it". I have done this time and time again without the booze though. I usually work for awhile before I shut down... But that is his way of making the hurt and confusion go away. Trust me....he must "feel like a failure" he doesn't need to feel it or hear it from you.

The best thing to say is nothing.....let him talk when he is ready and let him pore it out if he wants or leak it out...whichever way he feels comfortable. And try not to give judgements, opinions or anything unless he asks for it and then handle it with sensitivity when he does please....he will appreciate it and when he is "back to good" he will remember what a good friend you were when he needed it.

[bernie40]

I hear you.  Its difficult because we are coming from the BP side and not the other.  I know its hard for people to understand any kind of mental illness.

I can understand its very hard staying in a support role especially when it must seem as if, at times, he is not helping himself.  That is the trouble with BP, we don't control it.  We can learn as much as we can about trying to manage it and by sticking to our medications and listening to our psychiatrists.  The thing is sometimes it does still come and kick you when you aren't looking.

Your friend needs to get stable.  I read somewhere that a period of at least 12 months stable is needed before really considering returning to work.  Of course this doesn't mean he couldn't try part-time, non stressful work.  The flip-side to that is that if your used to being in a high stress, professional career it can be hard to settle for a "gentle" job.  Its all about finding the right balance.

I'd advise that you never use the word failure in front of your friend - even if he uses it himself you need to remind him that it isn't failure.  He obviously needs help with his alcohol issues and a good psychiatrist who can treat not just the BP but the addiction also.  Addiction and BP do tend to go hand in hand in the vast majority of cases.

I'm trying to think what it is that my friends and family do for me as a way of support.  I think the biggest thing is that they accept I have BP, they accept that my moods can swing from one extreme to another.  They don't chastise me when I've done something daft during a manic moment or tell me to "pull my socks up" when I'm so depressed that I can't face the day.  Unconditional love and support.  When I'm feeling so well that I apply for jobs they offer words of caution but ultimately support my decision.  If the job doesn't work out they don't say I told you so or shake their heads but say "there's always next time".

This is hard as I said.  Its not going to be smooth for him and nor for you.  I would strongly recommend getting a book about BP.  There is a post on the forum called "anyone know a good book", and there are some listed there.

This will be a big learning curve for you and a "learning on the job" so to speak.

Are you his main support?  Does he have family who you can talk to?

[louiesoto]

Yes, I have read what you've said and am thankful.  I know he's sick and I WILL wish him
well.  I have been his unconditional friend for a very long time and supported him financially for most of that time.  I love and care for him - I just need some way to express what I'm going through SOMEWHERE!  I have supported him, tried to trust him, and
been on his side for a long time.  

I'm sure he's going through hell, I just want to understand and know what to do.  Right now
there is nothing until he calls me because of privacy issues.  I'm not insensitive to this
I'm just learning.

[therese83]

Your friend must be going through hell.
It can happen to anyone, one day you may also experience psychological problems.

When you talk to your friend please wish him well - not from you - from me.