Extreme Depression - Guilt over past mistakes

[cowgirlnerd]

In the last several months, I have been consumed with panic.  It stems from mistakes I made when I had my psychotic break a few years ago.  I did some things that just shame me to no end - mostly financial.   Some of them were apparent when I lost everything (financially) and some others aren't completely out there.  And of course, my suicide attempt that very few people close to me know about.

This panic has led to anxiety and the anxiety to severe depression.  Everyday is consumed of worry, panic and the fear that the ones I love will find out what a horrible person I am (even though I know rationally they knew what I mess I was in) and won't want me in their lives anymore.   Afraid of the embarrassment and lack of having them in my life.  Afraid of my life changing into a bad place again.   Afraid of another psychotic break.

Every day I am almost in a state of "non-real" - meaning I have to focus to stay in the now.  I live in a fog.  Trapped by anxiety and consumed by depression.  The confusion is horrible and I'm just flooded with thoughts that won't leave my head - irrational "what-ifs".

Yes, I have talked to my pdoc about all of this and he thinks the fog is caused by extreme side effects of Geodon.  I am tapering off of it now.  So, I hang on with hopes that soon I might be lifted from this hell.  He increased my lamictal to help me with stabilizing my mood.   He wants to keep me in therapy but I want help now.  He won't prescribe any anxiety meds or depression meds.  I am talking to my therapist and we are working on my issues.  

I want so desperately to be happy.  I want to be "normal".  I want to live a life that isn't plagued by fear, "what-ifs", and depression.  I know with bipolar that we have these depressed episodes and I hate them.  This is the longest one I have ever had since being diagnosed.

Obviously, this wasn't a "question" but needed to get it out.  

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Sounds like you are ruminating over these past issues you've had and that DBT could maybe help you with that.  Try just accepting that what happened has happened and there's nothing you can do to change the past and you don't know if another psychotic break is going to occur just as much as your illness itself probably doesn't even know if another one is going to occur.  Have family and friends you trust and are close to tell you if you are getting worse and listen to them and inform your doctor.  Be careful doing this however, they could not be very trustworthy in this regard for various reasons.  I do this myself because of the lack of insight associated with psychosis and sometimes when I get in an argument with certain ones they start saying I need to go to the hospital.  If your depression is caused by a psychiatric problem you're right, no amount of therapy is going to make it go away, only thing you can do is take medication and learn coping mechanisms in therapy to deal with the left overs and to learn what to appropriately do if you have a relapse.

[cowgirlnerd]

I hope so.  It's just unbearable.  I keep telling my family that what I am going through feels like a medical thing not therapy.  I have voiced that to my pdoc, too.  It's like I can't even begin to grasp moving past this bad time.  

I know part of what i am going through is the withdrawals from the Geodon.  It's just so horrible.  

[ILADVOCATE]

I know that Geodon (and other antipsychotics) can cause cognitive confusion. Lamictal has less of that potential but each person responds differently to each medication but see if their adjustment of the dose of Lamictal will help. Feelings of guilt can be part of depression or the depressive aspect of bipolar.  Anxiety episodes and mood disruptions of any kind can overlap and if they have stated that psychosis is a part of it that can further worsen them. If things are adjusted all of this should be helped. It makes sense to discuss any life issues with your therapist but feelings of this kind can occur regardless of what happened when mood swings occur and all of this should be treatable.