In the last several months, I have been consumed with panic. It stems from mistakes I made when I had my psychotic break a few years ago. I did some things that just shame me to no end - mostly financial. Some of them were apparent when I lost everything (financially) and some others aren't completely out there. And of course, my suicide attempt that very few people close to me know about.
This panic has led to anxiety and the anxiety to severe depression. Everyday is consumed of worry, panic and the fear that the ones I love will find out what a horrible person I am (even though I know rationally they knew what I mess I was in) and won't want me in their lives anymore. Afraid of the embarrassment and lack of having them in my life. Afraid of my life changing into a bad place again. Afraid of another psychotic break.
Every day I am almost in a state of "non-real" - meaning I have to focus to stay in the now. I live in a fog. Trapped by anxiety and consumed by depression. The confusion is horrible and I'm just flooded with thoughts that won't leave my head - irrational "what-ifs".
Yes, I have talked to my pdoc about all of this and he thinks the fog is caused by extreme side effects of Geodon. I am tapering off of it now. So, I hang on with hopes that soon I might be lifted from this hell. He increased my lamictal to help me with stabilizing my mood. He wants to keep me in therapy but I want help now. He won't prescribe any anxiety meds or depression meds. I am talking to my therapist and we are working on my issues.
I want so desperately to be happy. I want to be "normal". I want to live a life that isn't plagued by fear, "what-ifs", and depression. I know with bipolar that we have these depressed episodes and I hate them. This is the longest one I have ever had since being diagnosed.
Obviously, this wasn't a "question" but needed to get it out.