I have many writing goals, never felt like I was getting enough done, and was actually overwhelmed with the amount of work I needed to accomplish, so I made a list. First thing on list top priority and so on, and it was working until I had this last situation or episode or whatever you want to call it because I couldn't concentrate on anything other than rambling nonsense in my journal and making one million positive collages. ;o) However, prior, list was working quite well. Plan on getting back to it now.
I will have to admit, giving up the sight of all me and my crew did in a day was hard to give up. The longer I live simply, the more i realize, I wasn't really getting as much done as I thought I was. Task where being completed, but often without direction or cohesion with each other. I think by not doing too much work while super inspired or super empathetic, I am moving slowly in the right direction and believe that many years of this will ultimately land me in a better place than if I could return to my old manic attacks. I do miss working as a maniac though, I do have to watch my enthusiasm and make sure it is justified, not just me being in hyper drive. If I don't climb too high up the mountain, I don't hit as hard if I fall off it.
I think that's why I'm going with more caution this year after the psychosis of last yr.
2 workers. 3 days pr week.
When I was younger in my quest for a killer body I'd be manic about my work outs too.
I'm trusting the new outlook for being healthy bipolar.
I find that setting goals is essential for me, as I was unmotivated, without the eustress of goals. When I decided to allow myself to feel worldly stress again, I had to be very careful in my efforts. First and foremost, I have to keep from setting expectations on anything, but especially myself. I have to look at all the work I need to get done and form plans for those tasks, but cannot be attached to the outcome of my effort, only the progress, however small it may be. For example, on my birthday I worked all day. I did something I wanted to, not thinking of what the world or my family needs. I 'started' a fire pit/drum circle area in the middle of my yard. In the past, I would have finished it in one day, probably the work of 3 guys or 3 days work. At the end of the day, I didn't get to have a birthday fire, but I did get to see the progress toward something I 'want." I rarely do anything I want to, it's all about needs of family and the tax man for me these days. When I had 8 workers, I could have done that job in the morning, before we went to work on a big job. I can't compare my current world to my past nor my dreams of some imaginary future, I have to be here now and take inventory in the moment. Did ANYTHING get better? Did I achieve my goal, no, but I am moving in that direction. When will I have time to finish it? I have no idea, but today, the fire pit is more like a fire pit than it was a week ago. I have had to learn to be satisfied with that.
Do I want to obsess and take my mind-over-matter and just bust my back? Absolutely. I actually started to feel fired up and was getting manic, so I took a break and appreciated what had been done so far, slowed myself down, and kept on the slow and steady track. My mind started going faster, but I paced my body to a sustainable level. That doesn't always work, but I am getting better at it. It's hard to get used to, because I am used to forcing things to happen, I'm actually pretty good at doing things efficiently, accurately, and with overwhelming enthusiasm and speed. It is odd to not be all jacked up on adrenaline to work on things. I built 3 walls of my house in a week, by myself. Framing, windows, doors, I built 2/3 of a house in a week, who does that, accept a maniac? Then I crashed and was not very productive at all. So, I do miss the maniac approach to doing things, I love sitting down and seeing how much was done, been that way since I was a kid. I don't like the feeling of starting over or losing control though, so I don't work when I feel too jacked up, I wait for my slow and steady spirit to return and then chisel away at it. I look back at the last six months and realize I am actually getting more done than I used to, because I am more consistent.
It's kind of like my opiate use. I thought they were helping me get so much done, just like I believed about my mania. Well, I did get a lot done, in spurts, but this slow progress, over some time, seems to be actually getting more done and better work. Maybe you are not getting as much done, but you haven't thrashed a house in awhile, so maybe you are actually moving forward more than before, but it just hasn't sunk in yet. If you build things fast and destroy them fast, then less is being done than to work slow and keep the small improvements for many years.
So, in conclusion, I say that goals are important for all human beings, but the goals can't be the reason we live. Usually, goals are not about the achievement of a single task, they are all efforts to improve life in general. If the goals are causing more stress than progress, then I believe those goals have been given more value than they deserve. To feel suicidal or psychotic, because a task was not finished, often a task that is intended to make you happy, then the goals are not doing their job. Attachment to outcome can become as much a master as any drug. People kill themselves because the stock market fell. The goals become more important than peace, love, and life itself. Don't get addicted to expectations and I think that way more actually gets done to make individual lives as well as the world a better place for everyone.