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How do I get across to my husband?
So my husband is in the military and is away right now, over seas. Since his departure, Ive been on a rollercoaster of emotions. He knows I am depressed and that I take medication, but I really just dont feel like he gets it. Like he just thinks sometimes Im a little sad or crazy. I feel bad because I know I take a lot of frustration out on him verbally. Mainly because I dont think he understands.
We do have the capability to email each other. I let him know I was unhappy and unable to work, but he told me "suck it up and just do it" (meaning go to work).
a few quotes:
"I’m sorry to hear that you are unhappy with work but you know and I know that you need to work"
"I really don’t know what else to tell you"
"I’m not trying to sound mean or anything but that’s life"
Not exactly things you want to hear in the middle of a meltdown.
I feel like my problems are inconveniencing him.
I later emailed him letting him know that I had indeed quit my job, and now I havent heard a word from him.
I know this forum is not really related to the military, but you all seem to have good advice.
How do I get my husband to accept and deal with me, my illness, and issues??
We do have the capability to email each other. I let him know I was unhappy and unable to work, but he told me "suck it up and just do it" (meaning go to work).
a few quotes:
"I’m sorry to hear that you are unhappy with work but you know and I know that you need to work"
"I really don’t know what else to tell you"
"I’m not trying to sound mean or anything but that’s life"
Not exactly things you want to hear in the middle of a meltdown.
I feel like my problems are inconveniencing him.
I later emailed him letting him know that I had indeed quit my job, and now I havent heard a word from him.
I know this forum is not really related to the military, but you all seem to have good advice.
How do I get my husband to accept and deal with me, my illness, and issues??
I can relate. My husband will not talk to me about my illnesses. He straight out told me that he doesnt believe in it and the whole pych. community. He has seen my reallly bad days and just thinks I am a B**** or am just tired and complaining.
Being in the military right now myself, I can tell you it's so very difficult to know that things are going crazy back home and there's nothing I can do about it. It's highly possible your husband cares about what's going on, but really feels helpless about the situation. I'm actually checking out things on this forum because my wife seems to be going though some similar things now and I'm wondering if it could be a bi-polar like problem.
Anyway, it is important to know you can and probably should seek help through Tricare, or whatever you're set up with where you are. The military health care system is no where close to perfect, but they are realizing more and more that mental health is very important and should go a long way to help you out.
Anyway, it is important to know you can and probably should seek help through Tricare, or whatever you're set up with where you are. The military health care system is no where close to perfect, but they are realizing more and more that mental health is very important and should go a long way to help you out.
I am an Army brat, Air Force vet and a retired AF spouse.
I decided that after I married my AF man that the hardest job in the world is the military spouse. I watched what my mom had to deal with while my dad was in the army during the Viet Nam era. When I was active duty I was staitioned overseas as a single parent Let me tell that was hard but it was n othing compared to being married to a military man.
His squadron went TDY all over the world. The worry, the stress while he was gone would get to me . Then when he came home we had to get used to being together again.Very stressful not mention that I was undiagnosed bi polar at the time.
You have options for care as a military spouse. I will tell you that the military cares for their own as they say.
If you are on Tricare you can get referrals for counseling off base and the tricare will pay for it. it does take some doing but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I just press till I get what I need from my doc on base.
the other posters have some very good advice.
If you need help with dealing with the military just message me I will be happy to help all I can,
I hope this helps some.
Blessed be to you and your hubby.
Venora
I decided that after I married my AF man that the hardest job in the world is the military spouse. I watched what my mom had to deal with while my dad was in the army during the Viet Nam era. When I was active duty I was staitioned overseas as a single parent Let me tell that was hard but it was n othing compared to being married to a military man.
His squadron went TDY all over the world. The worry, the stress while he was gone would get to me . Then when he came home we had to get used to being together again.Very stressful not mention that I was undiagnosed bi polar at the time.
You have options for care as a military spouse. I will tell you that the military cares for their own as they say.
If you are on Tricare you can get referrals for counseling off base and the tricare will pay for it. it does take some doing but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I just press till I get what I need from my doc on base.
the other posters have some very good advice.
If you need help with dealing with the military just message me I will be happy to help all I can,
I hope this helps some.
Blessed be to you and your hubby.
Venora
It is just SO difficult for anyone to fully understand who haven't dealt with it themselves. I don't hold it against anyone, personally, but when someone close to me doesn't even want to bother with at least trying to get it- that is when I get angry. Unfortunately, some people will never be in that kind of dark place and therefore, can't ever understand, even when they try. Sad for us, but hey, I wouldn't really want anyone to experience what I go through anyway. It might help if he had some references, maybe a web site that he read up on your disorder. When he can be an active member in your 'treatment team', then you will have a better understanding of each other and will be better able to support each other. Is there anything in his life that you use in comparison? Sort of like, because he is in the military, he can't help but respond a certain way to outside stimuli. An officer gives a command, does he have a choice in how he responds? Can he choose? Well, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps when you are clinically depressed can be that difficult. If a soldier is commanded to do something he doesn't think is the right thing to do, does he have a moment of inner struggle? Well, people with clinical depression are having that inner struggle everyday, all day, right down to whether you are going to get out of bed. The depression officer says, 'I command you to remain in bed today. You're a loser anyway, no one cares.' And you have that inner struggle because you know that command is wrong, but do you have a choice? Can you fight it? When we are so depressed that activities of daily living are a fight, a constant struggle, even thinking about something like going to work is impossible, and you will feel so overwhelmed you won't bother with the smaller battles of the day.
Try putting it into words he can relate to. I don't know if it will work, but it might help.
Try putting it into words he can relate to. I don't know if it will work, but it might help.
thank you all for your wonderful advice.
Amyjo101 said "it is impossible to work, go to school, clean house, get a shower, etc when you feel like your whole world is falling apart both"
That is totally what Im feeling and doing.
I do think that my husband is in a "military midset" and that is blocking him from being receptive of my emotions. Also the fact that everyone in his family has always been so "happy". He was never to have any other emotion.
The stress of my husbands unsupportiveness (is that a word) makes me even more stressed out.
Amyjo101 said "it is impossible to work, go to school, clean house, get a shower, etc when you feel like your whole world is falling apart both"
That is totally what Im feeling and doing.
I do think that my husband is in a "military midset" and that is blocking him from being receptive of my emotions. Also the fact that everyone in his family has always been so "happy". He was never to have any other emotion.
The stress of my husbands unsupportiveness (is that a word) makes me even more stressed out.
Sweetheart it may take you husband a long time to learn to deal with your issues. I took my husband close to 3 years, 3 hospitalizations and 2 suicide attempts before he would even admit my daughter's illness wasn't just behavioral and was not something that she could control. Men (who do not have problems) have a harder time admitting that mental illness is actually something that is not a mind set and is actually something that a physical or chemical problem with the brain.
You can't "make" him understand. All you can do is be honest with him and once you have seen the psychiatrist if there is a diagnosis made you could possibly get a letter from them to send to your husband explaining the illness they diagnose you with and what there is to expect from that.
It is unfortunate that your husband is deployed while this is happening it would be easier for him to accept if he could see your actions and reactions to things, rather that just reading about the symptoms on an e-mail, but that is not the case. SO it may not be as easy to get him to understand until he is around just like BipolarBear75 said. Seeing sometimes is believing. Sometimes it just takes time.
Let him also know that as soon as your feeling yourself again that you will get another job, it is impossible to work, go to school, clean house, get a shower, etc when you feel like your whole world is falling apart both mentally and physically.
You can't "make" him understand. All you can do is be honest with him and once you have seen the psychiatrist if there is a diagnosis made you could possibly get a letter from them to send to your husband explaining the illness they diagnose you with and what there is to expect from that.
It is unfortunate that your husband is deployed while this is happening it would be easier for him to accept if he could see your actions and reactions to things, rather that just reading about the symptoms on an e-mail, but that is not the case. SO it may not be as easy to get him to understand until he is around just like BipolarBear75 said. Seeing sometimes is believing. Sometimes it just takes time.
Let him also know that as soon as your feeling yourself again that you will get another job, it is impossible to work, go to school, clean house, get a shower, etc when you feel like your whole world is falling apart both mentally and physically.
Hi, I have a boyfriend well had one...but he is still in my life because he is now trying to understand. He is ex military and goes away alot now even as he is a mechanical engineer. While we were going out, I would trip out alot when he was gone. I got better at it....but it always seemed I got worse when he was gone and then got pissed at him for being gone whenever I needed help. I really understand this cycle. Now, he has seen me completely flip out....he seems to understand more....but that was the only thing that opened his eyes cause before that he was in complete amazement how I could live this way, how I couldn't do stuff after work, then how come I couldn't work....all this weighed on me because my parents expect me to be "normal" too.
This probably didn't help much but monkeyc and bulldozer are right, I am just saying that one day the time will come when he is there and you have an episode that will make him get it real quick.
This probably didn't help much but monkeyc and bulldozer are right, I am just saying that one day the time will come when he is there and you have an episode that will make him get it real quick.
I dont know your husband but the reality is more that he is thinking in the military mindset - Ive known a few soldiers over the years and they tend to have the 'suck it up' mindset because its how they are trained - it does not make them bad people at all just they think a bit differently, plus he is in a warzone which might tend to make his way of looking at things a bit different to yours - I would not be too worried at this point, I am sure he loves you and is worried about you - its just hard to get a reference point for some people and it takes a little time.
I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, I think bulldozer has hit it right on the head in what she says, I guess the only thing I can say is keep looking after yourself, when you get to a stable place and are feeling better then you will be able to explain to him what is going on in your head.
I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, I think bulldozer has hit it right on the head in what she says, I guess the only thing I can say is keep looking after yourself, when you get to a stable place and are feeling better then you will be able to explain to him what is going on in your head.
Hi Daisy
Getting someone to understand exactly what you are going through can be difficult for a number of reasons - it may be that your husband does not "believe" in mental illness, or that he has never had any experience of it and therefore cannot comprehend how disabling it is. Some people are lucky enough to have never experienced it or seen it within their family and some just refuse to believe that it exists. Or it may be that he doesn't feel able to deal with it from where he is at the moment.
A short e-mail to him asking him not to disappointed in you, that you thought long and hard before making the decision to quit work but that right now you need to concentrate on getting well. Tell him that you are seeking help from a psychiatrist. Explain that you have no control over the feelings and that if you could just "pull your socks up" then you would have done so by now, but that it is not possible, you have reached the bottom and it is going to take time to make your way back up. Explain that what you need right now is for him to try and understand that this is the situation and that "trying to keep going" is not what you want to here, you need him to tell you that you must do whatever needs to be done to get well.
It can be difficult for family members to get their heads around the idea that someone they love is in a bad place - they feel scared by it and frustrated because they feel there is little they can do. It is important to make it clear to family that all you require from them is a little understanding and support. You are not asking them to tread on eggshells you are merely asking them to accept that you are struggling rather than pretend it isn't happening.
It must be very difficult for you being apart from each other and I cannot begin to imagine how I would cope in such a situation. Coming on here is a good way to "meet" people who do understand depression/anxiety/bipolar etc. When possible people will offer advice and support.
Getting someone to understand exactly what you are going through can be difficult for a number of reasons - it may be that your husband does not "believe" in mental illness, or that he has never had any experience of it and therefore cannot comprehend how disabling it is. Some people are lucky enough to have never experienced it or seen it within their family and some just refuse to believe that it exists. Or it may be that he doesn't feel able to deal with it from where he is at the moment.
A short e-mail to him asking him not to disappointed in you, that you thought long and hard before making the decision to quit work but that right now you need to concentrate on getting well. Tell him that you are seeking help from a psychiatrist. Explain that you have no control over the feelings and that if you could just "pull your socks up" then you would have done so by now, but that it is not possible, you have reached the bottom and it is going to take time to make your way back up. Explain that what you need right now is for him to try and understand that this is the situation and that "trying to keep going" is not what you want to here, you need him to tell you that you must do whatever needs to be done to get well.
It can be difficult for family members to get their heads around the idea that someone they love is in a bad place - they feel scared by it and frustrated because they feel there is little they can do. It is important to make it clear to family that all you require from them is a little understanding and support. You are not asking them to tread on eggshells you are merely asking them to accept that you are struggling rather than pretend it isn't happening.
It must be very difficult for you being apart from each other and I cannot begin to imagine how I would cope in such a situation. Coming on here is a good way to "meet" people who do understand depression/anxiety/bipolar etc. When possible people will offer advice and support.
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