I don't know how to handle this!

[bernie40]

I am in a right tizwaz.  My stomach is churning and I can feel a full blown panic attack just below the surface.  All the relative contentment I was feeling gone, just like that and this may sound melodramatic but I'm scared.  Scared of falling off the cliff face again.

A "friend" who I have had no contact with for 2 years is the reason.  2 years ago this person drained me of all emotional energy - yes I let her.  She always had a crisis, always to do with relationships (she was married but having affairs), she expected me to be at her beck and call 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  She would go on and on at me asking "what do you think I should do" "why is he treating me like this" on and on........  It was all take take, she was never interested in my life, my problems.  If I was on the phone and she couldn't get hold of me she would send her son round to get me!  Anyway, I crashed big time after a year of this (2 years ago now) and severed my ties with her.  I realised that friendship is a 2 way thing, give and take, compromise and being respectful of each others lives.  There was none of that with her.

So.  The phone rings last night.  It is her asking if I'd like to join her in a glass of bubbly.  As my son was round there (he is best friends with hers) I agreed saying that I would want to be home before midnight to be with my husband.  Oh silly silly me!  She didn't want my company to enjoy a glass of bubbly she wanted to pick my head about her latest failed relationship.  After 2 years of nothing, suddenly its me she wants.  I did feel bad for her, she has had a tough time and we sat and chatted for a good hour.

20 minutes ago my phone went - first my house phone, then my mobile because we didn't answer.  It was her again asking if she could come round for an hour.  I said no, today was a family day.  Why oh why would I want her to take over my new years day going on and on about the same stuff she went on about last night, the same story as 2 years ago.  Its not fair on me, my husband or my kids.  Yet again she is expecting me to drop everything for her at a moments notice.

So today i've got out of it, what happens tomorrow and the day after and the day after that.  How do I handle this without being downright rude.  As I said I know she is hurting right now but I just can't handle this woman.  I'm only just starting to rebuild my life and get some balance and BAM she's blown in on the new years eve trying to throw a rocket in the works.

I can't look at this rationally, Any other friend and I'm there for them 100% but then none of them would ask me to drop everything and be available at a seconds notice.

Advice needed, sensible words of advice, similar situations, anything.  This has really got to me.

Sorry for the long winded post.

[bernie40]

Hi Lizz67 - sorry to hear your going through the same thing. I also don't want to be a fairweather friend and i know that i certainly give a lot to my true friends.  I don't consider this woman a true friend, afterall I've not heard from her in 2 years!  So after reading everyones advice and having a stern chat with myself I realized I have nothing to feel guilty about.

adel_ezz - oh boy no way do I "breastfeed" her and haven't for 2 years - it was her suddenly turning up again that sent me tumbling back to 2 years ago and feeling all that panic all over again.  I'm not letting her use me again, and you are quite right, i am not responsible for her.

I choose my friends very carefully now.  Like monkeyc there are some I keep very much at arms length and some that I don't see at all now, its dealing with the ones that pop up like a bad penny that are a problem.  Perhaps they think that if they leave you alone for a couple of years you'll have forgotten how awful it was - mmm I don't think so!  Anyway she is not in my plans, I have 2 very close friends who i see fairly regularly and then I have all my wonderful "virtual" friends.  

Leta and LCC - I don't believe for one minute that you can put yourself in the same class as my NYE friend.  For a start you offer advice and support to others freely, this person would not even think of others.  You would not turn up on the doorstep of someone who you knew had a mental illness who you hadn't seen for 2 years because you've been "too busy" and then expect them to let you dump on them.  So no girls, you are nothing like her, believe me.  You both have warm and generous hearts.  We all have crisis in our lives and we turn to our friends for support and sometimes we may expect too  much from our friends - but these are friends that we have stayed in touch with through the good also.  We've heard the term fairweather friend but this person is one of lifes badweather friends - she only wants you when she has a problem!

I didn't intend to warble on quite so much about that!!!!!  Update - i've heard nothing since yesterday afternoon and this is a good sign.  I've got myself together and I'm prepared to say what needs to be said.

Thanks everyone.

[adel_ezz]

hi
Stop breastfeeding her. Do it like weaning off from the BP meds slowly. like this you won't regret it. look after yourself your body and family is more important for you to look after. you are not responsible for her adventures
ezz

[Lizz67]

How very weird  - this very same issue just came up for me.  I had a disappointing visit on Christmas day with a good friend who is having the same relationship problems over and over again.  She refuses to go to counseling.

Another friend pointed out to me today that he thinks she makes me feel worse when I see her rather than better.  At first it was a lot of fun.  I don't want to be a fair-weather friend, but she is bringing me down and it was especially bad at X-mas when I was already vulnerable.

I think I've grown up a lot as other posters have said.  I have only a couple of friends - it's scary to cut someone out,  but seeing posts here tonight, I think this is something serious to consider.
I'm so glad to be on this site.  It has really, really improved my feeings about and around being BP.
Thanks all and good luck bulldozer

[LeftCoastChick]

I was pretty needy in my twenties, then like Leta, I smartened up. I think of it as spiritual and emotional evolvement. I also think, corny as it sounds, people test us to prove our own resolve.  

I'm so glad you are feeling better, you're a wonderful person.

[LetaB]

  So much valuable advice here concerning what you should do but I think I've had something of an epiphany!

  I AM that cloying, needy, self centered "friend" - or rather I once was when I had the chance.

  Since I became an adult I've only ever had one female that I could truly call my friend and I've lost her. I was in an extremely difficult time in my life - my ex took a long awaited inheritance and left me, the bills and his children behind him. I also am a very tactile person and had had no one to share any affection with for years which I felt was killing me. Well, I would go to her shop and hang out there almost every day. I am funny and impromptu and I loved her business so it wasn't all selfish on my part. But so much of it was. Take, take, take. I see now that I offered so little and relied on her so heavily.

  After posting this I will write her an email  (though we only write terse notes every 6 months or so to each other regarding nonpersonal events.) and apologize for it. I couldn't see it at the time, after all, she had everything I wanted - a beautiful house, a desirable and attentive husband, a career in my favorite subject - but I know now she was hurting. She has long term depression and may even be bipolar herself and should never have been put in the position of having to try to bear ALL my angst - like Jesus.

  Let's hope that your healthy honesty with this woman will start a process in her that will enlighten her as to what she has become. We are, most of us, salvagable I believe.

[monkeyc]

I have just had to cut some people out of my life the negativity is too much for me to handle and they hurt me too much.

Some I have taken back i others are at very long arms length.

Mind you the one person Id like to I cant.

Hang in there, keep breathing and forget about letting people down - so many times I have used that and then when I turned around and needed somebody they were not there - Surgery this year taught me a valuable lesson about needing people and who my friends were - there are people I am still not dealing with because of a total lack of any interest in me during a period in which I needed my friends more than anything.

I just got sick of being the one who was always there for someone else I guess, maybe its needing someone for once and no one is there but it did teach me a big lesson.

[bernie40]

Thanks everyone :-)  I am feeling calmer now, I've had a long soak in a lavender scented bath and feel more relaxed and completely exhausted.

I think I shall go with what you all said and come clean with her.  I shan't contact her but if she does try to reach me again then I shall be prepared with what I want to say.  I suppose if she takes offense then that's just something I'll have to deal with.  I'd rather she be offended then me end up an emotional wreck.

Its not going to be easy because I can't help but feel i'm letting her down - yes i know she hasn't given that same thought to me - but i can't help who I am - too damn soft half the time.  The only time I stick up for myself is when i'm angry.

I know that if I give an inch she'll take the full yard and no way do I want to go back down that hell hole.

Thank you all for helping me today, helping me make sense of my churning thoughts, it means a lot.

[therese83]

OH, boy I know this one!  I have a niehgbour who I had to cut with, she would say (I got caller ID+ stopped picking up) I know you were in because I saw you through the window.  That is not friendship.

Just keep yourself together and tell her calmly
"i am happy with things how they have been the last two years and i do not really want to meet up"

Just say it. Or just say "No sorry, I dont think so, but you have a good day", and hang up the phone
Or be more direct, say "Us meeting up doesnt really suit me and I would prefer if we didnt meet up, no offence that is just how I feel"

And you know that is the truth, just get it out there.

She is pushy as hell, you have to be direct, calmly , not angry or offensive

You are entitled to say what you want.  If you let her back in she will drag you down.
Hope this helps (you are too nice I can identify with that)

[LeftCoastChick]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry this has caused you so much strife, words cannot describe it. What i did notice in your journal is that you were in the process of going through things you didn't do this year, instead of what you DID do. You became revved up at the last minute to get some of it done.  I think you put expectations on yourself that may not have been the best thing. As well, I think, just a stab, that you were a bit hypomanic then a negative force came in crashing your high mood. I've had that before, and it can be a very small thing, can tip me off.  I think others have been right you have to set boundaries My favorite thing is call display :)  I've also removed all negative people out of my life, except I have to admit my olderst friend, whom I have set very strict boundaries with.

Ease up your expectations, and do some self care what ever that may be so your panic doesn't get worse, you're already doing it by writing and reaching out for support. Are you still on all of your meds? I found that my MS has actually helped with my anxiety and hypomania.
Hang in there sweetie, this too shall pass,
Hugs LCC

[elwoodsf]

A tough situation, at least for me it is. I had a "friend" whom I refer to as a cling on. I haven't heard from her for awhile now. She only had my cell phone number so when she called I just rang her to my voice mail. I quit calling her and she finally gave up. She wanted to drain me of information about other people and their business. One time I did tell her to call them herself to find out what they are up to. Another relationship I just ended was sooooo good for me. This gal at work wanted to be my "friend". Well, all she did was complain about everything and get mad at me if I made positive suggestions. She would call day and night. I finally told her that this relationship isn't working for me and that I want to keep it strickly business. I'm still "paying" for that but it is so worth not having to be around negative vibes all the time. Being the chicken I am, I sometimes see her in the halls at work and will start walking the other way. She constantly walks up to me and gives me a hug like we are best friends or something. Last time she tried to hug me I bolted back and told her that my head is in pain due to surgery and please do not hug me unless I am asked first. So I guess you could call that down right rude but I am free from this mess.

I don't know, in your situation maybe being upfront with her may hurt her at first but she will move onto someone else who will listen????? You have a family to take care of and most important yourself - this in itself is a full time job. You know how to keep a family together and if she just wants to rant and rave about her failed attempts at relationships she may need to talk to someone else who is freshly working at keeping relationships together. Did she listen to your advise two years ago?

When my friends call me, if they want me to drop everything for them, I will. These are the friends that would do the same for me. We are there for eachother.

I'm interested to hear what others have to share about your situation. I'll keep watching. Sherry

[bernie40]

Thanks Beekeeper.  The panic has subsided with use of diversion and I just feel a bit teary now.  Sometimes feel like a little kid who needs looking after and I want someone else to deal with all the horrid difficult stuff for me.

You are right, completely right.  I think it will come to a full explanation to her, it would certainly be fairer to both of us to do that instead of just avoiding her for the next goodness knows how many weeks.

I think its times like this that I realise just how vulnerable I can be and I hate to feel vulnerable.  I have to search for that strength.

I musn't run and hide in my bed - this is what I want to do, go to sleep until the problem has gone away.

Thanks for making sense and for your support, I sure as anything need that right now.

[BeeKeeper]

Morning Bulldozer.  Sorry to hear of the state your in...and as Monkeyc is always reminding us, the very first thing to do is to take a long deep breath.

I understand things that you can feel just under the service...but feeling them there before they service is your last best chance to and control them...and you can Bulldozer...I know you can.  You are a very strong person and I have every confidence in you.

You already know what this friend does to to you...don't let them do it again.  I know it can be terribly hard to say no to a friend, but I think in this case you're going to just have to be honest with her.  I don't think it's out of bounds to say - "Listen friend, love you, care about you, but I'm trying to deal with some of my own issues right now and would rather do that on my own.  I really hope you can work this issue out but I'm afraid this time round you're going to have to do it without me - I hope you understand."

Then you need to try and hold that line, keep your friendly distance - don't let her steamroll you or suck you back in.

You have to take care of you Bulldozer.  So...take those deep breathes...relax your shoulders...close your eyes...think of something that would make you smile.  Trying to re-center yourself and let the anxiety's calm for a moment.

Hang in there friend...you can do this.  There's not a person on here that doesn't believe in you.