Bipolar Girlfriend is frustrating me

[nonamebrand]

I really don't know what to do anymore. Here's what happened today:

We planned her day out. She would go get her Health Card replacement, then head over to the library to use the computers to find an apartment. I gave her bus tokens, made her 2 sandwiches was supposed to meet her at the downtown library after I finished work.

How things actually played out:

She got in contact with her friend, who she promised me she wouldn't see for now. Mainly because her friend believes she can hear spirits and "cross them over" and my girlfriend believes she also has this gift. They also are weed smoking buddies, which I really do not think helps with the delusions. Anyways, she got nothing done today and missed an apartment showing that I was going to go with her too. It's really important for her to get an apartment, as she is "couch-hopping" now and stays with me mostly, but this isn't my house and she can't stay forever.

I'm frustrated that she seemed like she would really stick to the plan and do something productive today, but I feel lied to because 1) she didn't get anything done 2) she's hanging around her friend and they're acting delusional together. Her friend is bipolar too and refuses to take medication.

She flushed down her Effexor 2 weeks ago and said, "it takes away the gift she was blessed with". She's still taking her antipsychotic Risperidone and it helps, but after today, I'm not sure it's helping with the impulsiveness and poor judgment.

I don't know where she is now or what to do. The more time she spends time with her friend, the more she starts to believe in her delusions, the more I lose her. Each time, each mistake, it gets harder for me to cope with.

I just need to talk to some people or somebody. I really don't know what to do anymore.

[Soggymoggy]

Hi there.

Wow, that was like reading posts from my own boyfriend.  You obviously love her deeply to tolerate all this and still want to look after her - if only she was in a state to understand how lucky she is.

The first thing to remember, as angry and frustrated as you are, is that your girlfriend's actions are being caused by an illness and are not her fault.  I know this is difficult to understand because she may seem totally rational, but it does sound like she's in a (hypo)manic phase and her irresponsible behaviour is a classic symptom.

The second thing to keep in mind is that - for the moment - she feels GREAT. It's a difficult condition to explain; she probably knows all the reasons she shouldn't be acting as she is, but is so optimistic and happy that she simply thinks it doesn't matter and it'll all work out.  The last time I was hypomanic I could easily have ended up in prison; I knew that, but I felt so good that I literally thought it wouldn't happen - and that if it did, I'd be OK and it would all work out in the end. I knew my behaviour might cost me my relationship - my blood runs cold at the idea now - but again, I just thought it would be OK, even that it might be for the best if it happened. Right now your girlfriend feels invincible, incredibly happy and she sees no reason that she needs to change her behaviour. That's also why she's flushing her meds; right now she doesn't think she needs them - she may even think she's "recovered" from her BP, or that she never had it.

You really do need to get her evaluated by a psychiatrist; if you explain to her doctors that she's in a manic phase and that she's acting in a way that endangers herself, they should get her an appointment quickly. If they won't, take her down there and insist on waiting; even take her to the hospital.  As to getting her to the doctor's/hospital; you may need to physically drag her into a car, or even enlist some people to help - but get her there. Without intervention, her current state ends in one of two ways; either she does something so dangerous she does real harm to herself and ends up in hospital or worse, or she flips into depression. If that happens she will see all the damage she's done with her current behaviour and it would not be surprising for her to become suicidal or to self-harm.  With me, that change can happen in a matter of days, so keep a very close eye on her.

Does she have any friends that are trustworthy?  Are her parents in the picture? Other people can help tremendously to keep an eye on her when you can't, and talking things through with people who understand her could also help you to feel better and cope better.

There is one other thing you need to consider, and it will sound harsh. Much as you love your girlfriend and want to help her, she is not your responsibility. If she has brief spells of damaging behaviour but is OK most of the time, then that's good - but if you're living with this kind of fear and frustration all the time, I don't think it's good for you or that the relationship is worth it.  If you do decide you can't deal with it any more DON'T FEEL GUILTY about it; her illness is what causes her actions, and will be there with or without you. It will continue to affect her whatever happens - you would only be deciding not to let it affect you.

I hope this helps a little bit - I know it must be awful to deal with. If you have any questions or want to talk any more there's always someone on here who can help or give you an insight.  Best of luck.

[chcoty]

I hope everything works out well for you.. I don't know how to get her away from the friend other than going directly to this person and give them the run down about her condition and what kind of danger they are putting her in.. If they are anykind of "friend" at all they will help the situation.. If they could care less about her then call the police do what you have to do to get her away from drugs.. drugs and bipolar don't mix, especially if she is unstable and flushing her meds!

[chcoty]

I would take the hard approach with this one.. If you really want to help her you must take steps so she meets her basic needs like having a roof over her head.. This I would tell her,, will require her to seek somekind of thearapy like going to an AA or NA meeting for everyday she stays at your place.. I'm all for being supportive but this can get dangerous quickly.. If her basic needs outweigh her wants she will do what she needs to do to stay under a warm roof.. Also where does she get the money?.. It doesn't sound as though she can hold a job right now.. If you are giving her money  then you must get something in return like verification that she is going to meetings or seeing emergency thearpy .. You have to get a hold on her if you think it's worth putting your self through the grief.  I know I sound harsh but it does sound like she is manic right now so serous measures need to be taken.. If you can no longer handle it get help for your self.. And I mean professional help for you .. If you can't take care of you who will take care of her.. Her life could be in danger so take care of you so you can make the best choices for your self and her.. as someone who has been in her shoes I'm telling you she is in danger.. this is serous I think you should get her to a mental health emergency room and talk to the docs about her behavior maybe someone can get some kind of intervention going to save her life.. Like I said, I am not talking out of my butt I have been there and I have almost died my self had it not been for some tough choices others had to make on my behalf.. I didn't like it but I wouldn't be here today had it not been for loved ones who got me the correct help..

Keep us posted,

[nonamebrand]

Thanks for the replies from both of you. She came back that night crying and telling me she knows she made a mistake. A few weeks ago she did set an appointment with CAMH to get re-evaluted. Her appointment date is August 10th. Yesterday she did go and get her Health Card situation sorted out. She still has yet to find an apartment, so she's still crashing at my place.

She was at my place today and said she needed to go out for a walk and a smoke. Now she's at the local bar, hanging out with the drunks and druggies. She said she would call me and be right back. She never mentioned she would be going to the bar.

She called me 2 hours later saying she was chilling with her other drug addict/alcoholic friends at the bar. I restrained my anger as she said she would call me later. The bar is just  up the street from my house.

She does not drink anymore or do drugs except for smoke weed. I'm just angry that she said she would be right back, but now she's there hanging out. I feel like I was lied too and this sort of thing will go on forever. I just don't like being lied to when I'm doing so much for a person.

[toosick13]

Is she Bipolar I?  It sounds like it. If she's in a manic state, it's not likely she'll complete any list of chores, or errands.  She should have a goal of just one thing to accomplish in a day, if she's not well controlled on meds.  It sounds like she needs to see her psychiatrist; maybe needs med adjustment.  Of course, she has to take the meds for them to work.  She really does need to avoid that friend, who seems to be aiding your friend's delusions, but it's not likely you'll be able to accomplish that, especially until she's under better control and not having delusions.  Give her a deadline to be out of your place, and make it clear she can't "crash" there anymore.  Encourage her to go to her mental health provider for a check-up, and a review of meds related to her behavior.  Sometimes hospitalization to gain control and get the meds adjusted in a safe place is necessary.
Good Luck.

[ILADVOCATE]

The best thing to do is approach her in a supportive manner to seek help again as regards her recovery. There are support groups for people with a psychiatric disability and substance/alcohol abuse issue and they would be able to encourage her (people who have directly been through the experience) to seek better friends as her friend is being an enabler and is impeding her recovery. There should be a support group for family and friends you could attend as well. I know in the United States NAMI has very good support groups. I know there is a Canadian Mental Health Association. Perhaps they have similar groups.