Off my meds. I did it. No need for scar cream.

[savdylthom]

Yeah..I have work in a few hours. All I really want to do is slit my wrist and lie in the bathtub. I find myself wondering how deep i've got to go until I can successfully bleed out. My ex says its painless. He talks to me about dying all the time. I can't comfort him. My first love and sort of walked into my life stepped on my heart with cleats for three years...so to speak. Emotionally unstable, aren't we all. More like histrionic. Yes. I'm off my meds. I don't really want to take them again. I want to run myself into the ground. Medication just makes me docile, complacent. Look at me, im a functioning member of this sick game we call a society. No, I don't care if others view me as this psycho monster. I can't wait till I get off work and fill my body with opiates and benzos. I'm too young and sweet for an adult psych ward. A little girls face, soft body, ****** up mind. I'm hell incarnate haha. Like a carcrash and everyone gets hit with my ******* shrapnel. I have too many mixed episodes. I AM hell. Ha. Well at least opiates make me quiet. I love being in pain or having surgery all the time. Helps. I've been too old for too long but no one see's that, I have work in a few hours. **** me.

[blackcat111]

hi i was wondering if you would like to talk, share our stories? do you just have bipolar or do you have borderline personality disorder aswell? i dont have any friends with mental illness so i have no one to relate to. im going through the worst depression atm. how are you coping latley?

[savdylthom]

And it doesn't even work, it just makes people able to talk to me without me getting incredibly angry or violent.  Thats so sad.. Its like im fighting life by fighting everyone in mine.

[savdylthom]

To you and others, I have a therapist, a psychiatrist and what have you. As if they actually help my lust for death, they are just people i see. Therapy every week. Psychiatrist every 4-6 weeks. That helps none.  I was just flagged at walgreens for being forgetful with how often of little I fill my klonipin because its a "controlled substance". Now I cant even have my abilify that works.

[myo12381]

Do you have a therapist? I find talk therapy to be extremely helpful especially during the low dark periods. Feeling suicidal is no fun I know I have tried it twice and been in the psych ward 3 times but I am doing better and managing. I find trying your best to cut out negative influences in your life who Create extra stress is the best thing to do. I have had to do that with two husbands so I can be healthy. Living with bp is difficult and no one understands how dark it becomes for us but life is worth  living, it really is and tomorrow is another day to try and feel better. Life is worth fighting for as well. Meds are difficult because it's hard to function normally on them but you just have to find the right combination. I loved someone very deerly who was addicted to opiates and it ruined his life and almost mine. It's probably one of the worst things you can do if you have bp. Too much alcohol is no good either. If you are having panic attacks I understand the benzos but please be careful. And know there is someone out here praying for your happiness, concerned for you and wishing you well.

[savdylthom]

I do all of this. No psych really cares, I have bad insurance, im on abilify, My psych doesnt give a crap about me. She hardly see's me

[ILADVOCATE]

  It seems like what he is saying is negatively impacting on you and it might be worthwhile to create a distance between him. The stigmatization of having a psychiatric disability can be difficult for a person to accept but medication can help with stabilization and functioning which can assist in this regard. It would be worthwhile to discuss all this with a psychiatrist to find a mutually acceptable solution. You can also let them know that some physical treatment you might need could be worsening some of this and they could discuss this with your doctor. Also some medications treat mixed states better than others but only a psychiatrist would have the specific clinical knowledge as to which one  is best. Also as you are having emotional concerns which seem to have generated some of this a talk therapist can be helpful as well.