Going off meds...does it really matter?

[BeeKeeper]

Went to the pdoc Monday and received a further diagnosis – Confirmation of Bipolar II mood disorder with coexisting borderline personality disorder and somatoform disorder.  One of my drugs was upped and a new one thrown in the ever growing cocktail – lithium.  One of the side effects of the lithium is increased shaking…as if my hands didn’t shake enough…and it is also suppose to help me sleep (combined with two other drugs I’m also taking that are suppose to make me sleep).  Since I sat on the couch by a dim light Sunday night until 4am…and was up every hour last night…I’d say these are still failing to work.

I swore I would never take lithium…I swore I would never check myself into an ER…and I swear I will not do group therapy.  I’ve obviously lost the first battle…and may soon have to surrender to the last as I’ve been told that the only therapy that may help is DBT which has a group component.

What do you do when your body/mind holds you hostage?

The pdoc asked me an odd question…what did I do to cope before.  Simple answer…work.  Work at the job (sometimes 24 hours straight), work at the farm, sleep 3-4 hours at night…so I could work more and ignore everything…and concentrate on something else.  So now I’m thinking, why am I putting myself through all this?...the mass of drugs, the labels of mental illness, the side effects, etc.  If the answer to coping is going back to throwing myself back into work…wouldn’t that be cheaper…easier?  If I get to the point where I consciously scare myself again…then I can always break my last rule and go to the ER.

I just really, really, really hate the feeling that I’m out of control with no way to correct the falling spin…and still…no matter how hard I plead, beg, cry out, pray, weep…do I hear the voice of God.  I feel that I have been left completely alone in this struggle and no one really "hears" what I'm saying.  Everyone is saying don't worry about it, it'll be fine...all the time my body and mind are screaming YOU'RE NOT LISTENING...including here.

Maybe it is time to just give up on the drugs, therapy, etc.  Go back to pretending...being what everyone else wants me to be...and cope the only way i know how and just see what happens.

[monkeyc]

Sitting here with my cup of coffee I smile at the no caffeine.  6 psychiatrists have told me that they find that one hilarious as the removal of caffeine and nicotene from a mental ward would start a riot.

you can drink coffee and eat sugar, this sort of advice is worrying to say the least as the very last thing an unstable person should be doing is makig major changes to habits such as stimulants - considering the effect most drugs have on your body caffeine and sugar are the least of the issues.

6 small meals a day is a weight control thing BTW - and if you are on zyprexa you need it as its weight gain city.

Listen to the docs, hang in there, PM me any time, im here.

[GeorgiaAnnie]

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[RJ233]

You are definitely not alone. All of us here are up and down and round and round. The round pill, triangle pill, yellow, pink, green, light tan, dark tan, add and subtract. One that worked last week needs to be changed this week. It is a matter of finding the balance for us. We are all different, yet all the same. One thing I can say is don't quite taking your meds. I can tell you, you haven't seen Hell the same as you will from the reaction of stopping. I did it. It was a living nightmare. When you stop taking a medication or the one you take stops doing its job, then you start another that works the way you need, you can immediately tell the difference in how you feel. I went without hardly any sleep for months. I took one sleeping pill that helped a little in the beginning, then not at all. The dr gave me a different med. It worked great. The first night of good solid sleep, I got up and it was like I hadn't shut my eyes in months. The relaxation in my body was unreal. I didn't realize what it was doing to me until I got a good night of sleep.

I know it is hard to hang in there when the meds are not working the way they should or the combination is not helping. You wait, and wait, and wonder am I ever going to get relief. Bp is a strange illness. Balance in the brain is not the easiest thing in the world to accomplish. You have to tell the dr everything. There is an expression people use when they are talking about figuring out something simple,"Its not brain surgery". Well, bp is like brain surgery except it is done with pills and no surgery. Keep in close contact with your dr. If you are having problems that the pills are not helping you, call him. He only knows what you tell him. When he sees the affects or lack of, he will know more about what to change or increase. We still face those mood swings, some days more than others. Try to work with him hand in hand to see if he is able to do better for you. I wish you the best.

[ILADVOCATE]

You need medication. That's a given. But it can and should be adjusted and titrated. See if what you are on is tolerable after a while and if not speak to your psychiatrist about it. Google "Depression Central" and the other sites on the links page will give you some ideas. I had to advocate to get on the treatment I'm on. But you have many commonly available options you haven't tried. Speak to your psychiatrist about getting things adjusted so one can work for you.

[cowgirlnerd]

Many of us used the same coping mechanisms you are describing - over-doing the work ethic.  Many of us thrived while doing so - but it's short lived and eventually you might crash (I know I did).

The good news is that once you find the correct "drug cocktail" you can thrive in a whole new light you never knew could exist.  Don't give up on the medication that can quite literally save your life.  Trust your pdoc and let him help you through the hard parts of starting a new medication.  Like most drugs, it takes awhile for your body to adjust.  Myself, as I adjusted to Lamictal, I felt like I would throw my guts up for about 3 weeks.  It was pure Hell, but as the symptoms subsided, I began to feel more settled - for the first time in my life.

You mention feeling like you aren't in control.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL by taking your health seriously.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL by talking with your pdoc about your condition and getting the best help anyone could hope for - you are in control.  Are the beginning stages S*itty?  Yep - but you are in control.  Let the pdoc guide you through it all, and get better.  Then you are really in control and can make decisions that used to shut you down.

Just be careful and dont give up on yourself or those around you.  

Rach

[Venora Moonwind]

dont give up You are not alone. I went through lots of meds before I got my my combo of zyprexa and celexa. I also go to therapy eat 6 small meals a day and lift weights.
you have to eat right for bi polar. No sugar and caffiene as these 2  aggravate bi polar.
t he meds you are on now are obviously not working for you. It is time maybe to change docs and go from there. a med change is in order as well since the ones you are on now arent working.
The most important thing now is to work on you and getting stable. Therapy can give you the tools you need to deal with the ups and downs of bi polar
We are with you here Know you are not alone and you are loved.keep coming here to talk to us. We are listening and nobody understands better what you are going through than another bi polar that has been there.
you are in my prayers. Keep in touch.
Love Venora