Talking to myself

[Crystlas]

Hello my fellow bipolars.  I have had this strange habit for most of my life, in fact, I think since early childhood.  I have this constant voice in my head and I conversate with it all the time.  It is kind of me talking in my head,  but I ask it questions and I answer it.  Am I crazy or is this normal for bipolars?  I was getting ready for bed just now and having a conversation with my brain voice and thought, I wonder if other bipolars do this?  I talk to myself all the time, even out shopping.  People probably think I am a crazy person.   Atleast I am not a lonely person, I always have my brain friend! LOL  Thanks!

[Twelvesgirl]

Do you think maybe you could explain to me a little more about what you wrote above?
"repeating  themselves and also rehearsal conversations and obsessive thoughts/conversations, thats where i am right now and not sure what to make of it." I too have this happen, and have for a long time, it does get worse, and now that I am semi stable on Lamictal it has calmed down a bit, and I catch myself doing it, and can stop. But the rehearsal conversations, sometimes I'll be thinking about a conversation thats not going to happen, just a possible conversation, and I'll get stuck on one particular phrase and repeat it over and over in my head or in a whisper until I catch myself and stop. ILAD or hell1971, or anyone, do you know what that is?
Like I said, w/ the Lamictal and my mood stabilized better it has slowed down quite a bit, but still I catch myself doing it? Anyhow...thanks.

[ILADVOCATE]

Before recovery I didn't talk out loud but I did mentally. I always said I had "bad thoughts" to people and didn't know they were actually voices (auditory hallucinations) so that's why although I first started having that problem at age 13 I didn't start medication (which was my own idea to see a psychiatrist and sadly I didn't have the emotional support of the family at first) until age 18.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I off and on had a voice in my head most of my life before I started medication but I argued with it in my head instead of out loud and it definitely wasn't my friend.  I guess it's more reasons why no one ever suspected something was wrong with me and I thought it was supposed to be happening.

[adel_ezz]

this is common for everybody to talk to yourself, it isn't bp all the time to blame. when at college reciting my lessons, i would tell myself with loud voice sould you get such question then the answer is so and so. in the shower don't you all sing. this isn't hypomania. everybody does it. but because bp are more honest to themselves and their emotions are lose they aren't ashamed of showing them around. of course not everybody does that, OR if he does it he is aware that nobody sees him. what is called wrong is when it affctes your health only, this doesn't harm anybody neither it worsens your bp on the contrary it's healthy. also OCD folks like me do it often, you know why to ascertain a certain idea in my mind i.e. to double check what is in your mind.

there is only one way to call it wrong. if someone asks me whether talikng to oneself is right or wrong, OF COURSE i would say this is nut, it's crazy and not done, but it doesn't mean i don't do it. For example, it's quite known that cleaning the inside of my nose with my fingers is unethical, this doesn;'t mean that i never did it

i don't see anything wrong talking to oneself

[hell1971]

i too talk to myself but i know that when i was sick it got a whole lot worse, my conversations were random, faster, looping ie repeating  themselves and also rehearsal conversations and obsessive thoughts/conversations, thats where i am right now and not sure what to make of it.

[self_less]

[apologies for derailing like crazy but I will still post this in the hopes someone understands]

I think I am ******* crazy as well. There's a voice in my head too! It's not like I think it's really someone else although it seems to have different thoughts from me about everything. Well I don't know if it's different thoughts more like I personally don't have any opinions really and this voice in my head just randomly decides to have thoughts because he is annoyed with me not having actual thoughts of my own.

Also I don't really like talking with other people because I feel really nervous that they will see how weird I am. So I try to "act normally" by making all the expressions that I see most people make, and I try to "think from their point of view" to try to make those expressions like smiling and laughing at the right time.

But I feel like I don't really feel these things. If that makes sense? I know it doesn't and yet I can't make it make sense. I hate how I can't keep a logical coherent train of thought--for example just look at how I am typing and how this is meandering everywhere--but when I try to think "logically" I just kind of shut down.

I mean that trying to put my emotions and thoughts in an order that will make sense to other people is plainly impossible for me to be honest.

Like I try to listen to people and follow what they are saying but although I am hearing and understanding the individual words coming out of their mouths it just doesn't "connect" in a manner that makes sense in my head. And people look at me like I am stupid although I know that isn't true. They get that look on their face that says "you aren't hearing anything I'm saying are you?" And I think they are hurt and then I feel extreme guilt and become nervous.

Speaking of nervousness, it is constant and extremely frustrating. I want to be able to be normal like I see people act in movies, with honest and open expressions of love and happiness and sadness, but all I feel is fear and worry and suspicion and ...

I don't feel like doing anything. Sometimes I am interested in things but only rarely and only in weird ways. I wish I could be more specific, but another problem that exacerbates everything is that I cannot remember anything. At least not in the way most people do.

For　example I cannot tell people about what I did yesterday or today or anything without great effort. And I can't capture in words how I liked my experiences or how they made me feel. I will look at the sky sometimes and cry at the beauty and have no idea how to express this. I say "the sky is so beautiful" but I don't think people understand. And, most frustrating of all, I CANT TELL ANYONE HOW THIS FEELS because any words I use always come out garbled and nonsensiscal so I just do not talk. Some types of people don't mind my inability to come up with anything to say in a conversation and they just talk and talk, and it's like I hear and sometimes I can follow what they are saying but usually not, and I don't know how to express that I'm listening or how to comment on what they said.

And it's not like I don't feel things or have any thoughts, although a lot of the time I think that is true.

I don't know. I usually just give up halfway when trying to talk to someone because I see they don't understand what I'm talking about and HELL even I don't.

Jesus christ what is wrong with me.

If anyone read this, I want to apologize for making no sense, but also thank you for listening, maybe you understand in a way.