Aa
What's wrong with me?
I'm sorry, but this is a long one! I was diagnosed with depression at around age 16. I've had severe bouts of depression over the years and tried several anti-depression medications. I also remember being in family therapy as a young child.
I stumbled across a list of symptoms of BPD a couple days ago and subsequently Googled till my eyes crossed and I could agree with almost every statement. I felt fairly strongly that this is what my problem is. The NHS has been really dragging *** about my treatment (I've been waiting 7 months to be seen by a councillor) and so I decided to go privately for treatment.
I've just returned from the private appointment and I feel more suicidal and more hateful of myself than when I went in. The doctor told me that I was a mistrusting and prickly person and that my problems were centred around the way I deal with things. I asked her about her dismissal of BP and questioned the "mania" that I often feel. She said that as I had never been hospitalised, there was no way it could be that diagnosis.
She didn't seem to ask any in-depth questions but rather, gave me the usual "How are you feeling, how does that affect you" questions and in my current state of mind, I find it hard to answer open-ended questions.
When she came to get me from the waiting room, she asked my name and told me hers without an offer of a handshake. I'm supposed to pay around £240 for the 50 minute appointment and assumed the facilities would be quite plush and soothing. The room I was taken to was unlit and poky. She had all sorts of files and other items scattered on the floor. She came across as very unsmiling and dare I say cold.
Before making the appointment, I expressed concern that as I work in the adult industry, I needed to be seen by someone who has no issues with that. I was assured this was a non-issue. The doctor I saw made a comment about "the adult industry, as you call it" which was said in a way that made me feel that she doesn't like any part of it.
She also went on to comment about my lack of self-respect that has caused me to pursue this line of work. Bear in mind, this is the first time I've ever spoken to her and I don't feel she was right in saying that as she knows nothing about my feelings and attitudes towards sex and everything else involved in my work.
In addition, I asked her about whether I should wait to go ahead with a breast reduction surgery until I'm more stable. I told her I'd like it partly so that I'm always seen as a walking pair of **** she said "well, you do dress very provocatively". I was wearing a cardi, leggings, UGG boots and a top that is admittedly tight but then most tops are tight on a chest that most underwear shops don't cater for!
She's left me doubting every thought I have and that perhaps I'm a snarky, demanding ***** who is destructive to those around her.
Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts of what I can do? (I do finally have my NHS appointment on Friday so I will address these concerns then but it would be nice to get thoughts from people that are living with Bipolar.
Many, many thanks for taking the time to read this.
I stumbled across a list of symptoms of BPD a couple days ago and subsequently Googled till my eyes crossed and I could agree with almost every statement. I felt fairly strongly that this is what my problem is. The NHS has been really dragging *** about my treatment (I've been waiting 7 months to be seen by a councillor) and so I decided to go privately for treatment.
I've just returned from the private appointment and I feel more suicidal and more hateful of myself than when I went in. The doctor told me that I was a mistrusting and prickly person and that my problems were centred around the way I deal with things. I asked her about her dismissal of BP and questioned the "mania" that I often feel. She said that as I had never been hospitalised, there was no way it could be that diagnosis.
She didn't seem to ask any in-depth questions but rather, gave me the usual "How are you feeling, how does that affect you" questions and in my current state of mind, I find it hard to answer open-ended questions.
When she came to get me from the waiting room, she asked my name and told me hers without an offer of a handshake. I'm supposed to pay around £240 for the 50 minute appointment and assumed the facilities would be quite plush and soothing. The room I was taken to was unlit and poky. She had all sorts of files and other items scattered on the floor. She came across as very unsmiling and dare I say cold.
Before making the appointment, I expressed concern that as I work in the adult industry, I needed to be seen by someone who has no issues with that. I was assured this was a non-issue. The doctor I saw made a comment about "the adult industry, as you call it" which was said in a way that made me feel that she doesn't like any part of it.
She also went on to comment about my lack of self-respect that has caused me to pursue this line of work. Bear in mind, this is the first time I've ever spoken to her and I don't feel she was right in saying that as she knows nothing about my feelings and attitudes towards sex and everything else involved in my work.
In addition, I asked her about whether I should wait to go ahead with a breast reduction surgery until I'm more stable. I told her I'd like it partly so that I'm always seen as a walking pair of **** she said "well, you do dress very provocatively". I was wearing a cardi, leggings, UGG boots and a top that is admittedly tight but then most tops are tight on a chest that most underwear shops don't cater for!
She's left me doubting every thought I have and that perhaps I'm a snarky, demanding ***** who is destructive to those around her.
Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts of what I can do? (I do finally have my NHS appointment on Friday so I will address these concerns then but it would be nice to get thoughts from people that are living with Bipolar.
Many, many thanks for taking the time to read this.
You should ask to see that doctor's credentials! Your treatment at this "professional's hands is inexcusable! Some doctor's record sessions for their own protection - ask if your appointment was recorded. See if you have rights to the content and SUE her! I am vehement about this because I have felt some of this treatment from other professionals throughout my life - not my psychologist - and can see in hindsight how incredibly wrong it was and that they trampled my rights and I was so naive and trusting I just took it.
Since you are obviously an attractive woman and confident enough to perform in front of people I surmise that this worked against you as well as your occupation. It is utterly illegal, as well as morally indefensible, for a doctor (first cause no harm) to take account of any of those things.
Please do not blame yourself - that would just feed into her desires for you - and you are in no way deserving of such cruel treatment. Be proactive and find some support for yourself (here's a good start). I want to hear back from you that your standing up for yourself and taking action to get what you need. You will find that YOU are your best - and sometimes ONLY - advocate.
Since you are obviously an attractive woman and confident enough to perform in front of people I surmise that this worked against you as well as your occupation. It is utterly illegal, as well as morally indefensible, for a doctor (first cause no harm) to take account of any of those things.
Please do not blame yourself - that would just feed into her desires for you - and you are in no way deserving of such cruel treatment. Be proactive and find some support for yourself (here's a good start). I want to hear back from you that your standing up for yourself and taking action to get what you need. You will find that YOU are your best - and sometimes ONLY - advocate.
Perhaps schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist who thinks in a less sex phobic fashion. Sexual compulsions can be part of bipolar and especially bpd but since what you are doing is consenting adult and not causing trouble with your life she shouldn't judge you for it. A psychiatrist and therapist should look for what is wrong not what they assume is wrong. Think of what is really going on of concern in your life and ask them to please help you with that not tell you how to live your lifestyle in general. They may just be from another generation that thinks in that manner in general.
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