Why is it hard to go back home/embarrassment ?

[vsantos]

        My husband who was diagnosed with Bipolar 4 months go and is taking Risperdal and Depakote is finally getting a bit better. For about 3 months I was his worst envenom, he told the world that he was divorcing me, then 1 month ago he left the house (picked up half of his stuff --left the rest at home) but left!
       2 weeks ago he came to me and asked if he could come back home "because things were not working out where he was"..of course I said yes!
      But since then all he did was to bring two bags of clothes back and that's it. He hasn't come back home yet!
      Can anyone give me 'insight' into what might be going through his mind , now that 'reality' is starting to kick in for him...why is it hard for him to come back, it embarrassment? is he ashamed? or he just doesn't know what he wants, he is confused????
     Does anyone think that the fact that he is living with another Bipolar person may also me the reason why he prefers to stay there---because they 'connect' !  Anyone, help please. I just want to understand and continue to be patient and have hope --or even know what I can do to help him understand that there is nothing for him to be embarrassed about!  
  Do I jsut give him his time and not say anything?
Thanks

[Sadwife77]

Hi my husband just been told he has bipolar! He's cheated on me for months ' he's told me the truth bout the other women! He says it's over can I believe him! He won't move back home he says he has to want too!! This is so hard I need help

[kathy434]

This is my suggestion.  Talk to a therapist who understands bipolar disorder as a professional.  Let him explain the disorder to you for the purpose of educating yourself.  Also this therapist can be a big support for YOU while having to deal with your husband's changes in behavior.  This may help to relieve stress and frustrations you experience with this disorder.  You also need some help, as a spouse.  You have a lot of unanswered questions and some support for you is indicated.  This illness will not resolve itself like the flu.  It is here to stay.  Loving him is a good start, but your tank can and will run low or empty at times and your therapist is there for you to lean on and get refueled.

[vsantos]

Just a quick update.
   Mu husband has been slowly bringing  his stuff back to the house, sleeping more day at home and I believe by the end of the month he will 'complete' the process of 'moving back'. I can imagine how difficult for all different reason it may be for him to come back, there is probably a lot going on in his mind right now as he gets better with the Meds....Good thing is that he is improving, though very slow, but improving everyday....The good thing about knowing your partner for 12 years is that even the most simple things make a difference: his body language, his tone of voice, so many 'small' things about him are slowly coming back to Life!!!!!!
     I have hope that my wonderful husband, my beautiful daughter and I can live productive lives together!!!!
    I just wanted to throw this out there because I come across so many partners of Bipolar individuals asking this question---Can the marriage/relationship be 'normal' after diagnosis...No matter what 'normal' is, with Love and Patience and TREATMENT of course ---yes it's possible to live a happy life with a Bipolar spouse---and don’t get me wrong, We still have a long road full of obstacles ahead of us (many ups and downs will come our way) but I have hope!

[zzzmykids]

I can only offer my opinion and experience to you vsantos. Before I knew I was BP and I was diagnosed late.  I ran. I mentally ran away, sometimes hid in our own home, worked too much and actually physically went away with the kids on "trips".Hubby would stay home and work to pay for us to go.
After diagnoses, I learned I mainly have anger for my mania.  I want to run to leave it all behind.  The pain inside of me, the pain I cause those I love, the bipolar and the meds themselves. RUN!
Most BP's that I meet in "real" life are not as stable as me.....most of the time...then sometimes I'm the one waaaaay out there, but I always take my meds, see my pdoc, talk doc, chiropractor and my internest.  I stay focussed and on track.
What helps me most is, I get space. My family gives me space when I can't process anymore and begin to shut down.  My husband is quiet and a listener.  He doesn't try to fix me, just holds me and listens.  No one knows on the "outside" of being BP what it is like.  I try to explain it as, I am deep inside, though you see me as normal, I am clawing my tissue trying to come back up to be me again, it is dark, lonely and difficult, at best to return.
I help others with depression and bp by listening, holding one depression class a year.
I read NAMI and DBSA and if possible will go to the DBSA conference for next year.'
Nami provides through your zipcode, locations you can go to attend to learn more about what BP is about and groups for your husband also exist.
When we find a "halfway" normal person with BP it is easy to connect because they know what we are experiencing.  I have a niece with BP1 and we talk and see eachother regularly. I have a "penpal" another female that is BP and one person from my class last year who was in denial....in class for her sister....we see eachother once in awhile.
Hopefully you and your husband have your own individual support networks already established.  It is important to have girlfriends for you and guy friends for him that you can trust to share your most intimate thoughts and not fear retrobution.  If not, start building one through church, civic groups, your new group of other women that have BP spouses or family members.
I wish you well. Help him feel it is safe to be at home, read, read, read all you can from personal stories to what it is like to live with a person who is diagnosed BP.
Sincerely,
zzzmykids

[vsantos]

Thanks everyone for the great advice! These past 3 months have been very difficult for me and I'm trying to learn as much as I can so I can try to deal with the situation the best way possible.
    In regards to my husband coming back home (though he had told me 2 weeks ago he wanted to...).
   Now the he feels much better and is less psychotic, I have the feeling he won't come back home at all. The fact that he keeps telling people that we are separated and I think the biggest issue is , now that he is more aware of what is going on with him, I think he regrets some of the things he ha done these past 3 months (perhaps even have been with another woman..-who knows). And the fact that our 12 year relationship has always been based in Trust...He may feel he has ruined that...I don't know...
    Has anyone here had an experience similar to this one?
    The thing is, and I was actually talking to his father today about this, I really don't care about what he (the Illness) has done these past 3 months, because I know my husband in a good State of Mind would have never done anything to hurt me--so I'm willing to move forward without having to go back ....I just think it's very hard for him considering he is extremely honest about everything--so in his mind, either he doesn't come back at all and then he doesn't have to talk about it, but if he comes back, he may feel he must talk about it!!!
   I'm almost giving up!!!

[Xila31]

I would say, first try to talk to him, but don't be pushy. If he doesn't want to talk right now, then that's okay. If he wants to come home, he will. Like I said, living with another person with bipolar can be very stressful when you are bipolar because no two people are the same with it. IT may start good, but it is easy to deteriorate really fast and without much warning due to shifting moods.

Also, be aware there may be other reasons than the ones you think of. Bipolar causes impulive and recklessness sometimes. It can cause poor judgements and things that happen. I'm not saying it is ok for these things to happen, but maybe something did happen and that's what he is worried about? Just wondering.

It will probably take time for both of you.

[vsantos]

Thanks for your advice.
just to clarify that I'm NOT Bipolar. I meant to say the person my husband is living with right is Bipolar as well and that may be the reason it's 'easier' for him right now to be living there with somebody that he can relate to , then to come back home to his Real life!
    But I am willing to wait and I'm already seeing a therapist to help me through this difficult time.
i was just wondering if there could be any other reason (once he had said he wanted to come back home) that may be 'delaying' his comeback ....maybe he's ashamed, maybe he is still so confused it's hard for him t make up his mind, even the 'burden' of having to gathter his stuff again t bring back home...I don't know, I just wanted to make his coming back home as easy for him as possible so he feels he is loved and I have no Hard feeling for any of the things he has done for the past 3 months....
Do I just let him take his time, or should I talk to him/
   thank you all so much for all the advice.
    ...a very dedicated Wife

[Xila31]

I would say if you are willing to wait a bit longer and work things out he may come back. At the same time I think you should also get some therapy for yourself and maybe do marriage counceling with someone who is knowledgable about bipolar and relationships. Two bipolar people living as roommates may or may not work out depending on the situation. Sure, they have a diagnosis in common but bipolar people are very volital as you probably well know. This can cause a lot of conflict, especially if one or both are not properlly on meds and have sever paranoia or things of that nature. Then again, if all is well with their treatment it could be very good because, sure, they probably have issues in common that would connect them.

Good luck to you.

[cornyguy]

Just give him some more time.He will see reason when his dose of Risperdal is increased and he gets better with the raised dosage.I think he will have to stay at the raised dosage of  Risperdal for maybe a year to stabilize him before any move is made to taper him off the med.All the best.