What the heck is going on with me?? this is long, but i'd really appreciate some help!

[bri2186]

Okay, this is long… but I would really appreciate some input….

I’ve been struggling with some emotional aspects of my life for a long time… when I was in high school I had some problems with depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. and saw a psychologist for about a year. Now that I’m a little older, have a child, etc. I feel weak admitting that I may have something more going on emotionally/mentally. I do not at all feel depressed, suicidal, etc anymore… but really do think something is wrong with me! For years my husband has been telling me he thinks I’m bipolar or something…and lately, I think he might be right…or at least onto something.

I’ve noticed my behavior more now than ever, for whatever reason… I guess maybe I’m loosing the whole denial thing or am just getting sick of feeling and acting the way I do that I’m looking for help and a diagnosis so I finally know what’s going on!

So… here’s my thing!… I can never  concentrate on anything! I can never finish anything I start because I either get totally overwhelmed or sidetracked by the smallest things… I can’t even clean without getting sidetracked into doing something else! If I’m doing laundry, I need to organize the closet or drawers, etc before putting anything away… then I get bored or sick of doing that and have an even bigger pile of clothes sitting around forever! Its like I can’t clean without everything being organized, but nothing gets organized because I always get sidetracked with something else! I even have issues with my husbands or son’s messed but if it something I’ve left around it doesn’t seem to bother me.

Also, I go through spirts where I have no ambition to do anything and then other times I can’t sit still….or I don’t want to be around anybody and then can’t stand being alone! Its almost like my moods change constantly. My friends, at least the ones I have left, don’t even like making plans with me anymore because I’ll totally be up for making plans and then when it comes to doing something I back out because I don’t feel like it or we go out and im totally unsocial. My husband gets so upset with me when im antisocial because I complain now and then that I don’t have any close friends anymore, but then he doesn’t understand why when I am around the ones that I do have I don’t feel like talking to them or hanging out, etc.

My moods definitely change constantly, I can fight with my husband over the smallest thing and get so overly upset for the situation, get into a huge blown out fight and then get over it with the drop of a hat…. Although I can only get over things under my own terms. Or I’ll get totally upset, flip out and then once I’m done flipping out I’m fine and instantly expect whoever I flipped out on to be fine too. For example, the other day I was matching pairs of socks on my bed when my husband put our two year old on the bed and messed up the piles of socks and got some under the pillows, etc… I totally flipped out! Over socks!

Overall, I feel like I cant ever concentrate, my memory is practically nonexistent,  my moods change at the drop of a hat, I overreact, go through times of weeks of not wanting to do anything then can’t stand sitting around the house, admit I am a little depressed about my appearance since having a baby--but other than that no other depression issues, and have a little bit of anxiety sometimes. I feel like I can’t even concentrate enough here to say what’s really going on with me!! And I’m so darn emotional! I cry at commercials one day and the next day nothing in the world can bother me?!

So what the heck is wrong with me?!

Another part of my problem is that I’m very hesitant to go to the doctor! I finally went about 6 months ago, ended up not wanting to talk to my doctor about all my feelings or issues because I get embarrassed, don’t want him/her to think I’m weak or a bad parent, etc. and just say im depressed . She put me on welbutrin and I had just about every side effect possible!

I’m feeling trapped in my own mind!!

[EliseCraft]

"My moods definitely change constantly, I can fight with my husband over the smallest thing and get so overly upset for the situation, get into a huge blown out fight and then get over it with the drop of a hat…. Although I can only get over things under my own terms. Or I’ll get totally upset, flip out and then once I’m done flipping out I’m fine and instantly expect whoever I flipped out on to be fine too. For example, the other day I was matching pairs of socks on my bed when my husband put our two year old on the bed and messed up the piles of socks and got some under the pillows, etc… I totally flipped out! Over socks!"

I do the exact same thing.. and I don't have many friends left.  

[therese83]

Go to the Doctor.

You do not have to suffer like this, it is not good for you or your child.  You can get treatment and feel well.  It is nothing to be ashamed of, but you can keep it private if you want.

Life does not have to be like this ruled by your moods, it can be even and you can be much happier with yourself if you get good treatment.
I wish you the best.

[elwoodsf]

I can relate to everything you mentioned in your post bri. I am bipolar one or two, I can't remember. I believe I've had bipolar my entire life. I was diagnosed 30 years ago at the age of 18. The friends issue - wow, do I relate. I have been going through isolation stages for over 5 years now. It is lonely yet when the rubber meets the road I don't want to leave my house. I am to the point now where I won't even go out with my husband. How frustrating for him. There is a post on here that mentions the site bipolarcentral. I went to that site and there is a great post by the creator of this site. I relate to his mom in many ways. I'm still visiting this site as I haven't even touched a handful of the articles posted there.

I plan on following your post. I am interested in hearing what others bring to the table and take away confidence that I am not alone.

Hang in there. Find a good Psyc. You may want to make a list of concerns when you go and hand them over to the doctor. I know this helps me stay on track.

:) El

[Germur]

Hi bri2186,

First of all I am not a doctor so I can't really give you a diagnosis.  However, I do have bpd and have had it for over 50 years and maybe longer and my behavior was very similar to what you have described in your posting. Second, there is nothing wrong with having bpd, since we are not freaks of nature.  Bpd is actually pretty common.  I might be wrong but 1 in 70 persons have it.  Third, and the best thing about it is you can learn to control it and have a very normal life.  There are a lot of famous persons who function well having it.  I don't know if you follow General Hospital on TV but the man who play Sonny the mobster is bipolar.  He is very open and talks about it so as to inspire persons like ourselves to have hope.  Just think he has to learn lines for shows that are on every day of the week inspite of being bipolar.

You really need to look for an excellent phychaitrist as soon as possible.  When you look for one make sure that they are very qualified in treating bpd.  Many generalists mean well but don't know what they are doing in all respects.  It is perfectly normal for you to be embarrased or ashamed, but once you get it under control you probably will want to talk about and help others.  Rest assured, you are not going out of your mind!  You scrambled brain is from not having bpd under control.  Once you get control of it, your concentration will be excellent.

If you would like, send me a note and we can chat more about anything more that is on your mind.  I look forward to hearing from you soon.