Aa
Bipolar
I've been "best friends" with a man for 4 years. 1 year ago he was hired by a company and never went to the job. He isolated himself and drank for almost 2 weeks. He seemed to get it together (he hid his problem from me) and got another job in a city far away and did the same thing in a hotel room. I helped him get home and get into a treatment
regimen - he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, started taking Antabuse, going to meetings, exercising, eating right,
and got another job in a far away city. He was living a healthy existence for 7 months. Now it seems he has done the same thing. In the course of 1.5 years he has gotten 3 jobs and lost them. I care about him but don't know how to proceed. He has also been prescribed Depakote for the bipolar and it seems to be working.
I want to change my number and pretend he doesn't exist but I can't. I really know that he can't help it and needs a friend. Am I the crazy one?! Is this man disabled enough so that he can't work - what is your take on all of this?
regimen - he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, started taking Antabuse, going to meetings, exercising, eating right,
and got another job in a far away city. He was living a healthy existence for 7 months. Now it seems he has done the same thing. In the course of 1.5 years he has gotten 3 jobs and lost them. I care about him but don't know how to proceed. He has also been prescribed Depakote for the bipolar and it seems to be working.
I want to change my number and pretend he doesn't exist but I can't. I really know that he can't help it and needs a friend. Am I the crazy one?! Is this man disabled enough so that he can't work - what is your take on all of this?
I spent a couple of days away from him - today he showed up with a valentine. He seems OK but didn't stay long. I'm thinking he's in the manic stage right now and thinks he can do anything. I will be going to church with him later so can see how he is then. I
really don't know what to do or sa;y now, it seems as if the last episode didn't even happen - business as usual for him. He says he has dr appoint;ments this week.. We'll have to see what happens.
really don't know what to do or sa;y now, it seems as if the last episode didn't even happen - business as usual for him. He says he has dr appoint;ments this week.. We'll have to see what happens.
It's hard to say - but I would use my past experiences to give a reference point. When we are in a high point (mania) we can be brilliant - that would be the experiences the people in his industry have witnessed. Many of us also are so good at masking the down times that a lot of people don't see it. They probably only have truly witnessed the creative, energetic, and outgoing side of the bipolar disorder. As you get older, unfortunately, it becomes less tolerated. Sometimes (like in my case) you have to hit bottom to see how ill you are and everyone to see it also.
Also, when we are in a high point - we think we can do anything! We have the BEST intentions of making this time be the one that will work for us. We send out resume's - hold it together for the interview (and most of the time are so grandiose that we ace it) - get the job - start the process - then melt down after a short time. SAYING that, if you are stable and recognize the triggers that cause your meltdown, you can avoid some of the issues.
You caring about him and supporting him in his illness are two seperate issues. It's ok to care about him - but you don't have to support the decisions he is making. Let him know you care, and you understand that he is in a place where he wants to make his decisions for himself, and if he needs you - you will be available to talk, but ultimately, he has asked for and you are going to give him the space that he needs/wants.
Of course, you have to understand that his decisions are going to be irrational - probably the wrong ones - and he might suffer at the consequence of them. It will be hard to let him make those and not want to jump in and help - let him (with the exception of suicide- I can't emphasize the calling 911 enough) make those mistakes. He has to own his illness and until he is ready to do that - neither you nor his family can make him get the help / meds that he needs. It's his disorder and he has to realize it.
We (bp's) need desperately a good support system - without a doubt. That doesn't mean we have the right to have a support system that is not allowed to enjoy their lives without the drama. In other words, just because we might be ill - we don't have the right to be abusive. We have to learn to OWN our illness, learn how to cope with it, and with the pdoc and therapist - learn how to have relationships that are positive for ourselves, as well as, the ones in our lives.
ENOUGH - is right. You have done enough - have had enough - and it's time to be a friend to him, but take care of yourself with the same passion that you have been attempting to care for him....you deserve that and if he is as good of a friend as you are to him - he will want that for you, too.
Let me know how you are doing and coping with it all. If you need support, I am here.
Also, when we are in a high point - we think we can do anything! We have the BEST intentions of making this time be the one that will work for us. We send out resume's - hold it together for the interview (and most of the time are so grandiose that we ace it) - get the job - start the process - then melt down after a short time. SAYING that, if you are stable and recognize the triggers that cause your meltdown, you can avoid some of the issues.
You caring about him and supporting him in his illness are two seperate issues. It's ok to care about him - but you don't have to support the decisions he is making. Let him know you care, and you understand that he is in a place where he wants to make his decisions for himself, and if he needs you - you will be available to talk, but ultimately, he has asked for and you are going to give him the space that he needs/wants.
Of course, you have to understand that his decisions are going to be irrational - probably the wrong ones - and he might suffer at the consequence of them. It will be hard to let him make those and not want to jump in and help - let him (with the exception of suicide- I can't emphasize the calling 911 enough) make those mistakes. He has to own his illness and until he is ready to do that - neither you nor his family can make him get the help / meds that he needs. It's his disorder and he has to realize it.
We (bp's) need desperately a good support system - without a doubt. That doesn't mean we have the right to have a support system that is not allowed to enjoy their lives without the drama. In other words, just because we might be ill - we don't have the right to be abusive. We have to learn to OWN our illness, learn how to cope with it, and with the pdoc and therapist - learn how to have relationships that are positive for ourselves, as well as, the ones in our lives.
ENOUGH - is right. You have done enough - have had enough - and it's time to be a friend to him, but take care of yourself with the same passion that you have been attempting to care for him....you deserve that and if he is as good of a friend as you are to him - he will want that for you, too.
Let me know how you are doing and coping with it all. If you need support, I am here.
Last night he told me that he's sending out resumes just like before. I haven't told him yet but I think I've had enough of supporting his out-of-state jobs. I don't know what to do. This man is skillful at getting jobs but he doesn't seem to be able to follow through with them. I would think that people in his industry would stop giving him recommendations. Because I care about him - I just cannot support this anymore. He and I have not discussed this yet but I'm feelling ENOUGH! What is your advice?
Hugs to you too!
I was pretty sure that Doctors don't do that. I think it's his decision or he didn't go to the Dr. like he told me he did. I just have to take him at his word but my trust isn't registering very high right now.
I am going to distance myself like you said. I know this will be difficult because he needs to be in control (he does it in a way so that others think it their idea) I can be firm
with him. It really helps to be aware of bipolar tendencies (I read a considerable amount of material) After learning about the disease many things about our past relationship makes sense.
Thank you so much. I've absorbed every tidbit from you - congratulations on being "stable" and for sharing. You are wonderful for helping me understand this thing.
Linda
I was pretty sure that Doctors don't do that. I think it's his decision or he didn't go to the Dr. like he told me he did. I just have to take him at his word but my trust isn't registering very high right now.
I am going to distance myself like you said. I know this will be difficult because he needs to be in control (he does it in a way so that others think it their idea) I can be firm
with him. It really helps to be aware of bipolar tendencies (I read a considerable amount of material) After learning about the disease many things about our past relationship makes sense.
Thank you so much. I've absorbed every tidbit from you - congratulations on being "stable" and for sharing. You are wonderful for helping me understand this thing.
Linda
NO! Doctors don't do that! They will at LEAST taper off of the drugs - not cold turkey and they don't just start over. They might adjust his meds and try some other things, but they are NOT going to just leave him unmedicated and risk the withdrawals and spirals that he would face with no meds.
Sounds like he is a downward spiral of his own doing. If he is refusing your help - let him. You have done everything and more than you could be expected, and even though we are essentially sick from our disorder - we are still accountable for our actions.
My advice, and this is coming from a bipolar disorder patient - stable (Thank God) is that you need to allow him to make his mistakes. Sometimes it's those really hard pitfalls that make us realize how sick we really are - it was that way with me. I hit rock hard bottom before I got help. The only thing you can really do is if he gets suicidal - call 911- other than that, you can't be responsible and make yourself sick in the process.
You have to know that your are just as important as he is and if he isn't treating you that way - sickness or not - you have the right to distance yourself from that. You have a right to be happy - to not be mentally tortured by the visions of what he might do - to not feel rejected by him while you try to help him.....you are just as valuable in the friendship you share with him as he is..... you deserve to be happy...that might mean distancing yourself. As hard as that might be, you might need to do it for your own sake.
You should be proud of what you have done - you are a true friend. DON'T feel a BIT guilty about allowing him to fall on his own. He has made that choice and you can't change his choices - even if you really want to and know what he should do.
He is a lucky person to have you and he will see that one day - it might be too late, but he is lucky...very very lucky.
Let me know how it's going and if you need someone to talk to - I am here.
Hugs and Hugs and Hugs!
Sounds like he is a downward spiral of his own doing. If he is refusing your help - let him. You have done everything and more than you could be expected, and even though we are essentially sick from our disorder - we are still accountable for our actions.
My advice, and this is coming from a bipolar disorder patient - stable (Thank God) is that you need to allow him to make his mistakes. Sometimes it's those really hard pitfalls that make us realize how sick we really are - it was that way with me. I hit rock hard bottom before I got help. The only thing you can really do is if he gets suicidal - call 911- other than that, you can't be responsible and make yourself sick in the process.
You have to know that your are just as important as he is and if he isn't treating you that way - sickness or not - you have the right to distance yourself from that. You have a right to be happy - to not be mentally tortured by the visions of what he might do - to not feel rejected by him while you try to help him.....you are just as valuable in the friendship you share with him as he is..... you deserve to be happy...that might mean distancing yourself. As hard as that might be, you might need to do it for your own sake.
You should be proud of what you have done - you are a true friend. DON'T feel a BIT guilty about allowing him to fall on his own. He has made that choice and you can't change his choices - even if you really want to and know what he should do.
He is a lucky person to have you and he will see that one day - it might be too late, but he is lucky...very very lucky.
Let me know how it's going and if you need someone to talk to - I am here.
Hugs and Hugs and Hugs!
Hi!
He told me he didn't want me to help with his meds. I'm fine with that. Now he says that his pdoc told him to stop everything for 2 weeks and that she is going to start over.
- do doctors do that?
He told me he didn't want me to help with his meds. I'm fine with that. Now he says that his pdoc told him to stop everything for 2 weeks and that she is going to start over.
- do doctors do that?
I'm not his savior, I'm not sure what I am to him. I think we're going to have a long break
because of the way he's treating me lately. I forgive the disease. I'm just exhausted with trying to figure it all out. I have to preserve myself.
because of the way he's treating me lately. I forgive the disease. I'm just exhausted with trying to figure it all out. I have to preserve myself.
I know he is embarrassed, but he shouldn't be. We all feel that embarrassment when an episode is over. When we get passed that, we usually understand where it came from and can move on.
No doubt you are exhausted! Emotional turmoil is physically and mentally exhausting. You need to take some time for yourself, and even if that means not talking with him for a few days - just be selfish and take care of yourself. You can never be responsible for another human, just for yourself. I truly believe anyone as special as you are - to be there for him - that he would understand and respect that you deserve it. It will probably make him feel better, too, that he is doing well enough not to be cared for constantly.
When his meds are stable, I am sure that he will be as close to "normal" as we can all hope for. I saw my pdoc yesterday and he was so impressed with my stability. He actually told me "Well, it looks like the experimenting with the meds has FINALLY paid off and you are in such a better place now!" That recognition meant the most to me - I have felt it but to hear it from someone that wasn't personally involved felt really great. He will get there. Especially with you in his support circle.
You are a veryyy special person. Many who suffer from BP have NO ONE in their circle and he is lucky to have you.
You might not know it - but you really could have literally saved his life by not giving up on him. That's awesome! (but don't take on the savior role .....gees, huh!)
Racheal
No doubt you are exhausted! Emotional turmoil is physically and mentally exhausting. You need to take some time for yourself, and even if that means not talking with him for a few days - just be selfish and take care of yourself. You can never be responsible for another human, just for yourself. I truly believe anyone as special as you are - to be there for him - that he would understand and respect that you deserve it. It will probably make him feel better, too, that he is doing well enough not to be cared for constantly.
When his meds are stable, I am sure that he will be as close to "normal" as we can all hope for. I saw my pdoc yesterday and he was so impressed with my stability. He actually told me "Well, it looks like the experimenting with the meds has FINALLY paid off and you are in such a better place now!" That recognition meant the most to me - I have felt it but to hear it from someone that wasn't personally involved felt really great. He will get there. Especially with you in his support circle.
You are a veryyy special person. Many who suffer from BP have NO ONE in their circle and he is lucky to have you.
You might not know it - but you really could have literally saved his life by not giving up on him. That's awesome! (but don't take on the savior role .....gees, huh!)
Racheal
Thank you. I'm totally exhausted today. I'm pretty sure that it's a result of being so
concerned for 3 solid weeks and unable to do anything about it. While my friend was
killing his pain, I was feeling mine. Thank you all for helping me have an outlet for all of this. My friend is so embarrassed, feels awful, but has verbalized his appreciation. Now,
the starting over begins and I realize that I'm still in it for the long haul. I pray that he can lead a somewhat normal life soon.
concerned for 3 solid weeks and unable to do anything about it. While my friend was
killing his pain, I was feeling mine. Thank you all for helping me have an outlet for all of this. My friend is so embarrassed, feels awful, but has verbalized his appreciation. Now,
the starting over begins and I realize that I'm still in it for the long haul. I pray that he can lead a somewhat normal life soon.
Your friend is very lucky. I am so glad he is doing better. As is the case with a lot of us, we go from the brink of H*ll to back again in a short time. It's exhausting for us and the ones that care for us.
It's so weird - I have been tested as having a higher than normal IQ - but yet mention that I have BP1 and it's like I am slower than molasses. It's infuriating. I try to let people around me know that mental illness is not mental retardation.
Hopefully, his psychiatrist (we call them pdoc) will listen intently to his recent episode. I also hope that your friend shares it all with him. I know myself, I have been so embarrassed at some of my episodes that I didn't share them completely. That delayed my diagnosis and just NEARLY cost me my life. It wasn't until I was COMPLETELY honest with me pdoc that I got the proper diagnosis - and meds.
I promise you that the correct medications can be life changing for him. Some of the meds are rough when you start them, but once you get stable, it's like coming out of a dark closet that you were in for a really long time.
In no way will his pdoc and medication cure him - but it can help you lead a much more stable life. It will take time and patience on his part to make sure that he is vigilent in his healthcare and working with his pdoc team. Meds can lose their effectiveness over time and might need adjusting - he just has to stay on top of it. AND, having someone he can trust will only help him more- my best friend tells me when I am going toward an episode and it really helps.
Keep on getting educated and we will help you through it the best we can. Those on the forum truly care and want to help each other. Maybe once he is stable his family will be able to listen to him - maybe not but he will be happy and that's what's important. (my family STILL doesn't get it!)
Hugs!
Racheal
It's so weird - I have been tested as having a higher than normal IQ - but yet mention that I have BP1 and it's like I am slower than molasses. It's infuriating. I try to let people around me know that mental illness is not mental retardation.
Hopefully, his psychiatrist (we call them pdoc) will listen intently to his recent episode. I also hope that your friend shares it all with him. I know myself, I have been so embarrassed at some of my episodes that I didn't share them completely. That delayed my diagnosis and just NEARLY cost me my life. It wasn't until I was COMPLETELY honest with me pdoc that I got the proper diagnosis - and meds.
I promise you that the correct medications can be life changing for him. Some of the meds are rough when you start them, but once you get stable, it's like coming out of a dark closet that you were in for a really long time.
In no way will his pdoc and medication cure him - but it can help you lead a much more stable life. It will take time and patience on his part to make sure that he is vigilent in his healthcare and working with his pdoc team. Meds can lose their effectiveness over time and might need adjusting - he just has to stay on top of it. AND, having someone he can trust will only help him more- my best friend tells me when I am going toward an episode and it really helps.
Keep on getting educated and we will help you through it the best we can. Those on the forum truly care and want to help each other. Maybe once he is stable his family will be able to listen to him - maybe not but he will be happy and that's what's important. (my family STILL doesn't get it!)
Hugs!
Racheal
You are so correct about "who" exactly is bipolar. My dear friend is one of the kindest,
sincere, and focused persons most of the time.
He is now back in this area and sober. Today he will go to see his psychiatrist and talk
more about medication. I told him I'd be there for him. He told me that he thinks he should not pursue jobs away from his support system - he actually admitted that he needed it. I did what was advised and listened, with a more educated ear this time.
I don't know where this will go but for right now, it seems good.
Thank you for the support - I will continue to read, learn and listen - this man is very special to me.
sincere, and focused persons most of the time.
He is now back in this area and sober. Today he will go to see his psychiatrist and talk
more about medication. I told him I'd be there for him. He told me that he thinks he should not pursue jobs away from his support system - he actually admitted that he needed it. I did what was advised and listened, with a more educated ear this time.
I don't know where this will go but for right now, it seems good.
Thank you for the support - I will continue to read, learn and listen - this man is very special to me.
Hello Friend!
A lot of family have a hard time dealing with admitting that the one they love has bipolar disorder. Most of the times it's because they don't have the correct information and let's be honest, the movies and television don't paint us in the best light. Most bipolar's aren't slobbering, random speaking, space cadets like they portray. It's the ignorance that keeps them from seeing the truth - but it's not usually mean spirited.
Unfortunately, it's after a person has died from suicide that the family will admit to the illness/disorder that took their lives.
I am glad you are being responsible to your own needs. You are to be commended for your loyalty and compassion. Take care of yourself. I hope your friend gets help soon.
A lot of family have a hard time dealing with admitting that the one they love has bipolar disorder. Most of the times it's because they don't have the correct information and let's be honest, the movies and television don't paint us in the best light. Most bipolar's aren't slobbering, random speaking, space cadets like they portray. It's the ignorance that keeps them from seeing the truth - but it's not usually mean spirited.
Unfortunately, it's after a person has died from suicide that the family will admit to the illness/disorder that took their lives.
I am glad you are being responsible to your own needs. You are to be commended for your loyalty and compassion. Take care of yourself. I hope your friend gets help soon.
Thanks. His family will not believe he's bipolar - they keep talking about drinking. He's
been suffering with it all his life. I'm in contact with the hotel - they're going to see what they can do, they have my numbers and will call. Meantime, I must carry on. I care about him and may need to go there to make something happen. I'm hurting for him and me and I care....just taking it an hour at a time.
been suffering with it all his life. I'm in contact with the hotel - they're going to see what they can do, they have my numbers and will call. Meantime, I must carry on. I care about him and may need to go there to make something happen. I'm hurting for him and me and I care....just taking it an hour at a time.
It's my understanding that if a person is a danger to himself or others, a call to 911 will have them committed. Of course, they will have a psych evaluation and if he is really good at masking his illness, he can get around a pdoc that has too much on his plate to deal with it.
Now the issue of if he wants to kill himself he will - yes and no. If he has made the decision - it's hard to change a person's mind. Most often, they are in good spirits when they have made the decision to end their life. HOWEVER, if you can convince a person that is considering suicide that if they can wait just one more day - acknowledge that they have the right to do it - but to wait one more day to actually do it - and maybe they can find another answer - you might not have to deal with the loss like I do with my friend Darryl. Suicide is harder on the survivors than the victim....trust me.
Again, you are not responsible for another human - period. My suggestion would be for you to contact his family - voice your concerns and see if they are open to helping him. They might not be fully aware of how sick he is and maybe if they are avoiding it - your call might push them toward it. I know a lot of times, people grow tired of the drama of a bipolar patient and just avoid it. His family might be that way. Don't feel like the lone ranger when he has family that should be stepping up to the plate to help.
You are in a tough spot - to say the least. Just don't allow yourself to become consumed by it and let yourself become an unwitting victim of this "wonderful" disorder. Just don't give up on him without talking to his family first. After that, you have done all and more than expected of any friend to help him through his crisis.
Now the issue of if he wants to kill himself he will - yes and no. If he has made the decision - it's hard to change a person's mind. Most often, they are in good spirits when they have made the decision to end their life. HOWEVER, if you can convince a person that is considering suicide that if they can wait just one more day - acknowledge that they have the right to do it - but to wait one more day to actually do it - and maybe they can find another answer - you might not have to deal with the loss like I do with my friend Darryl. Suicide is harder on the survivors than the victim....trust me.
Again, you are not responsible for another human - period. My suggestion would be for you to contact his family - voice your concerns and see if they are open to helping him. They might not be fully aware of how sick he is and maybe if they are avoiding it - your call might push them toward it. I know a lot of times, people grow tired of the drama of a bipolar patient and just avoid it. His family might be that way. Don't feel like the lone ranger when he has family that should be stepping up to the plate to help.
You are in a tough spot - to say the least. Just don't allow yourself to become consumed by it and let yourself become an unwitting victim of this "wonderful" disorder. Just don't give up on him without talking to his family first. After that, you have done all and more than expected of any friend to help him through his crisis.
I talked to the hotel manager and she said that as long as he pays and he can talk to her
(he is so drunk and out of control) because of privacy issues she can't do anything. She also told me that she knows something of AA and if he wants to kill himself, he will. She said she would check on him and call me. He doesn't know what he's doing - I know this because I really do know him. He's in a crisis. However, I'm not his wife, sister, mother or anything else so I guess my hands are tied. I'm in Chicago, he's in Denver. I have just about exhausted my finances helping him get well - now he slips and I'm hurting financially and my heart is breaking because I can't help. Seriously, I know I'm the only friend he has
who loves him unconditionally. I'm hurting and extremely frustrated. I know, 1 day at a time. For the time being, I'll just pray that he doesn't die before he comes to his senses
or runs out of money.
(he is so drunk and out of control) because of privacy issues she can't do anything. She also told me that she knows something of AA and if he wants to kill himself, he will. She said she would check on him and call me. He doesn't know what he's doing - I know this because I really do know him. He's in a crisis. However, I'm not his wife, sister, mother or anything else so I guess my hands are tied. I'm in Chicago, he's in Denver. I have just about exhausted my finances helping him get well - now he slips and I'm hurting financially and my heart is breaking because I can't help. Seriously, I know I'm the only friend he has
who loves him unconditionally. I'm hurting and extremely frustrated. I know, 1 day at a time. For the time being, I'll just pray that he doesn't die before he comes to his senses
or runs out of money.
I think cowgirlnerd made a good point in her last paragraph - some very sound advice there.
I don't know if you can get him out of the hotel without his co-operation. I don't know the laws in your country regarding mental health and patient rights etc.
Would he agree to come home if you went to get him - or would this not be feasible for you?
Have a look through your yellow pages to see if you can find an advice line which deals with mental health issues, they may be able to answer your questions regarding getting him home.
Good luck.
I don't know if you can get him out of the hotel without his co-operation. I don't know the laws in your country regarding mental health and patient rights etc.
Would he agree to come home if you went to get him - or would this not be feasible for you?
Have a look through your yellow pages to see if you can find an advice line which deals with mental health issues, they may be able to answer your questions regarding getting him home.
Good luck.
Why is he at a hotel? Is it the job thing? Somewhere, I was thinking he was in the hospital....not sure.
Ok, here's my take- yes, we feel like a failure all on our own. Validation of those feelings don't really help us. What does help, however, is honesty. Even though you don't need to be negative with him, you do have the right to be honest with him. What drives me batty is when my friends treat me like a child and pat me on the head and say, "Everything is going to be fine..." When I know they want to scream!!! Even though it's really stressful to me, I like to hear the honesty, at times, of how it makes them feel. BUT, you both have to be in a place that you can both hear the truth. It sounds like he isn't stable enough right now. My exhusband is really firm with me when I am going manic and let's me know how my moods affect him - and mainly because I am so mean-spirited when I am manic. I can be very very cruel.
The first thing you need to worry about - and it's not his work - is getting him stable. And, I agree, he doesn't get the job because he wants to "fail" - he probably thinks he can really really do it this time. Trust me - we have all done that. We can hold it together for awhile (with me, my friends tell me my "holding it together" is shorter now than it used to be) and then we can't anymore. It makes you feel like a HUGE loser.
Get him out of the hotel - into the hospital and get him stable.
BUT, you have the right to NOT be involved in his care if you aren't committed to it. You should NOT feel guilty if you don't think you are able to help him with it and GOD FORBID - don't become his nurse made. This is a decision you have to make yourself.
Good Luck!
Rach
Ok, here's my take- yes, we feel like a failure all on our own. Validation of those feelings don't really help us. What does help, however, is honesty. Even though you don't need to be negative with him, you do have the right to be honest with him. What drives me batty is when my friends treat me like a child and pat me on the head and say, "Everything is going to be fine..." When I know they want to scream!!! Even though it's really stressful to me, I like to hear the honesty, at times, of how it makes them feel. BUT, you both have to be in a place that you can both hear the truth. It sounds like he isn't stable enough right now. My exhusband is really firm with me when I am going manic and let's me know how my moods affect him - and mainly because I am so mean-spirited when I am manic. I can be very very cruel.
The first thing you need to worry about - and it's not his work - is getting him stable. And, I agree, he doesn't get the job because he wants to "fail" - he probably thinks he can really really do it this time. Trust me - we have all done that. We can hold it together for awhile (with me, my friends tell me my "holding it together" is shorter now than it used to be) and then we can't anymore. It makes you feel like a HUGE loser.
Get him out of the hotel - into the hospital and get him stable.
BUT, you have the right to NOT be involved in his care if you aren't committed to it. You should NOT feel guilty if you don't think you are able to help him with it and GOD FORBID - don't become his nurse made. This is a decision you have to make yourself.
Good Luck!
Rach
Yes, I already went with him - he has few secrets from me....we've already been down
this path but he has never been far away with money. The hotel keeps letting him stay as
long as he pays for another night.......he's been drunk for 6 straight days now and the hotel knows it. At least they're checking on him. Can't somebody do something?
this path but he has never been far away with money. The hotel keeps letting him stay as
long as he pays for another night.......he's been drunk for 6 straight days now and the hotel knows it. At least they're checking on him. Can't somebody do something?
Hi, It sounds very much like the alcohol is the biggest issue here at the moment. You know that if he refuses to get help or refuses to try and stay dry then there is little you can do. He has to want to do it for himself. It is bad news that he has come off his depakote. Suddenly stopping depakote can be very dangerous.
When he comes home let him talk first (if he will), try and remain patient even though you are probably feeling really frustrated and worried. Try and reason with him gently that he needs to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible, he needs to be back on his medications and he needs to find good support to get him off the alcohol.
Will he let you come to see the Dr with him do you think? At least then you can tell the Dr what you have seen just in case he is not being completely honest.
Good luck.
When he comes home let him talk first (if he will), try and remain patient even though you are probably feeling really frustrated and worried. Try and reason with him gently that he needs to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible, he needs to be back on his medications and he needs to find good support to get him off the alcohol.
Will he let you come to see the Dr with him do you think? At least then you can tell the Dr what you have seen just in case he is not being completely honest.
Good luck.
I love this man but this time has been particularly hard for me. He was fired in a city far
away, taken to detox, returned to the hotel where he was living and began drinking again - he's been there 6 days. I have talked with him every day - I know he's drinking and then he doesn't answer. The hotel clerk is checking on him regularly but he can't do anything until my friend can't pay for the room. During the course of our conversation he told me that he went off his Depakote. I'm trying to take care of me but this is very difficult. He says he's coming home today - we'll see.....then what?
Have any of you had similar experiences? What do I do?
away, taken to detox, returned to the hotel where he was living and began drinking again - he's been there 6 days. I have talked with him every day - I know he's drinking and then he doesn't answer. The hotel clerk is checking on him regularly but he can't do anything until my friend can't pay for the room. During the course of our conversation he told me that he went off his Depakote. I'm trying to take care of me but this is very difficult. He says he's coming home today - we'll see.....then what?
Have any of you had similar experiences? What do I do?
I think one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone who is ill is to stay with them. The choice whether to keep someone in your life who is ill (with anything), is a very important and difficult one. Sometimes we need to attend to our own mental health first and we may decide a relationship is too damaging to our own condition.
You sound like you are still ready to stay with your friend. I have lost a lot of people due to this illness and that has been a terrible thing.
One time a friend told me she didn't stay in touch with me because she was afraid if she called I'd be in another "crisis." I understood, but it hurt a great deal as at the time,
I'm glad you're looking forward to your friend coming back. He likely needs you very much. Just be aware of how the relationship is affecting you; if you see you're getting tired, watch yourself. This could avoid your "all-or-nothing" perspective on this friendship.
You're very, very kind to offer your unconditinal support.
You sound like you are still ready to stay with your friend. I have lost a lot of people due to this illness and that has been a terrible thing.
One time a friend told me she didn't stay in touch with me because she was afraid if she called I'd be in another "crisis." I understood, but it hurt a great deal as at the time,
I'm glad you're looking forward to your friend coming back. He likely needs you very much. Just be aware of how the relationship is affecting you; if you see you're getting tired, watch yourself. This could avoid your "all-or-nothing" perspective on this friendship.
You're very, very kind to offer your unconditinal support.
He's probably feeling like "see, I screwed up again, I can't do anything right" sort of mode right now.... He's obviously in great distress, and probably doesn't want to talk about how he feeling because the emotions are still very raw to him.... the only thing you can do is be supportive and reach out to him and try to guide him into some sort of supervised care (doctor, therapy, etc)..... I feel for him, I've been there, done that... I've quit jobs because I felt like I screwed them up so bad, that I couldn't take it anymore. It's a hard road... Is he still under medical care? If so, it sounds like his meds are not working and either need to be changed or adjusted.....
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