Loss of my cat

[sue00518]

I just had my beautiful baby Harriette put to sleep two days ago.  She was 16 years old, she was my heart, my best friend.  She recently lost her hearing, Vet says to leave that alone, she will get used to it.  Then all of a sudden last week she fell off couch, lost feeling in body and in a few seconds came back.  Thought she just slept on her leg.  (Hoped that was all).  Next day this occurrence happened again when jumping off table.  Next morning before calling Vet to ask what I should do and make appt, she fell down the stairs.  I rushed her to Vet, with her age, said it could be anything, but only thing they could find was high blood pressure.  May have to do MRI.  See how blood pressure pills work and go from there.  Over weekend was doing much better, but then on Monday night, she fell off couch and had an awful seizure, was awful to see her like that.  Rushed to hospital and all they told me is to film it again if happened and can do an MRI for $3,500.  I brought her home devastated.  No answers and being that she is older, what would an MRI do?  Next brain surgery?  Couldn't have her go through this anymore.  Then on Tuesday morning she had another awful seizure next to me in bed.  She looked so sad and exhausted.  I finally made the worst decision I have ever had to make so far in my life,  to have her put to sleep.  She shouldn't be going through this and it was occurring more and more frequently with no answers. I was there through the end at the Vet.  I wanted to be there for her last breath, I was her Mommy.  What I didn't know is that her eyes would stay open, awful.  What I am struggling with now is did she see me after they gave her the tranquilizer?  Was she at peace?  Still feel like I killed her.  I can't be in my house, I have so much guilt and loss.  Could I have done more?

[sue00518]

Thank you everyone for your sincere and kind words. It still hurts ever day but the pain lessens very slightly every day.  I miss my baby, she would lie next to me on my pillow and put her paws on my face and nuzzle my nose. I have since bought a book I found online on learning to deal with all of my emotions through this awful time. It has definitely helped me and hasmade me realize that I am allowed to feel and go through all of my feelings.  Was very therapeutic.  Last Thursday I had my family over to my home and gave them each a rose.  Each one then spoke about a wonderful memory of Harriette.  After, we put her roses in a place where I am going to put in a beautiful plant that will bloom in Spring.  I have found a rock that says "I love my Cat" and underneath we wrote in Harriette.  At first it felt foolish to have this Memorial but I am so glad I did this.  Every soul and being in this world deserves this.  I will always have that last vision of her with her eyes open on her final moments (wish that would go away), but I am slowly starting to recognize that she would only have gotten worse and what if I wasn't there and she had another major seizure, hits her head or gets paralyzed.  She didn't deserve that and deserved more than that.  I loved her deeply and she will be in my heart for the rest of my life.  She was a blessing and my best little beauty.  Each day and forever, I promised her, that I will say out loud "I love you Harriette, I will love you forever!"  

Thank you all again, wonderful to know that people truly care.  I am sorry for all of your losses of your beautiful babies as well.  Let's hope that one day they will be back in our arms.  Until then, as my Mother stated "Life is for the Living".  So that's what I need to do.

"I love you Harriette, I will Love you forever"  xoxoxoxxoxxoxo

[CML2014]

Hi Sue,You are so very kind to have let her go . The other 3 posters have pretty much said it all. I just wanted to chime.
We all have been where you are now--second guessing ourselves, so you have plenty of company and support.

When all is said and done and time has had a chance to engrave  our hearts with all the beautiful memories of the wonderful life and love the two of you had---perhaps then you will find the peace you are looking for --the PEACE that comes from knowing you did right by your baby.

My sincerest condolences for the loss of this beautiful spirit !

Sincerely
CML

[freebird1960]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your kitty. I recently lost a favorite kitty and the symptoms were very similar. She had a stroke, and it sounds like yours did too. Seizures, difficulty walking, unable to eat and it got worse toward the end when we decided she should not suffer further.

You did nothing wrong and you can be sure she had a wonderful and long life with you, and loved you. It's tough to make such a decision but when we take companion animals into our lives, we have that responsibility right to the end to make sure they don't suffer. You fulfilled your promise to her and that's the best anyone can ask for. So please be good to yourself.

We buried our kitty in the back yard and placed a small memorial stone. It might help you to grieve if you set up a small memorial of your own, it can be photos, a favorite cat toy, anything you like.

Be well!

[Jade59]

Hi Sue, I am so very sorry for your loss of Harriette.  I lost my girl only 5months ago, and I am still grieving.  It breaks my heart you were not told Harriette's eyes would stay open.  You should of been told, or at least the vet should of closed them.  We used a home service last year for Jade.  The vet told us this would happen, then closed her eyes manually.  Even though Harriette's eyes were open, she was relaxed, and peacefully asleep; please don't doubt that.  I understand, too, how upsetting that was.  I was with a friend when he passed years ago.  His eyes were still open.  I had to ask the nurse if he was really gone.  So I get it.  

You did everything you could, honey, Everything.  You did not 'kill' your girl, you helped her.  Putting our babies down is a LOVING gesture, a KINDNESS.  Thank God we are able to do this for our pets when there is nothing more that can be done.

Let me share the Rainbow Bridge with you in case you don't know it.  I hope it will bring you some measure of comfort and peace.  

Hugs to you, Sue.  RIP sweet Harriet.  


Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown.

[opus88]

first of all let me send my deepest condolences...loosing a loved pet companion after so many years together is very hard, my Opus too was with me for 17 wonderful years before I too had to make that awful call for him.

even if she couldn't see you well after the sedative, she very certainly knew you were there with her and helping her pass safely and comfortably. she could feel you and your love, she could also feel your sadness...yes she was very much at peace!!!

you so you know I think you were right in not putting her through more tests, nature sometimes lets us know when its time to let go for their best interests. although devastating to us, its kinder for them. as good loving pet parents we always have to keep that in our minds

IMO...she was having small strokes..or TIA's as refereed to for us humans, the temporary trouble walking/lameness was likely the passing of a slight clot, when a larger one moved it caused her to go into seizures. this is just my opinion, I am not a Vet...but I would think they could have given you a better answer and just not pass it off pushing a very expensive MRI on you.

You DIDN'T kill her you helped her..helped her to pass easily without more pain...it is a painless and quick procedure.
Do not ever feel guilty for helping her, this is the one act of selfless love we can give our babies. In a few days when the biggest part of the shock has passed you will begin to see this more clearly, you did the right thing for HER...because you loved her.

RIP little baby girl, you and mommy will be together again one day.♥