10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

[sandra5263]

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra

[RobH123456]

What is wrong with you people. Is the only solution to poor behaviour stupefying your child with drugs? Before you do this try taking the drugs yourself for a month. Wouldn't do this? Then why would you do it to your child. These emotion numbing drugs are behind too many school shootings and the like. Google it! Give your kids your TIME not drugs. Make them feel accepted, wanted, important, liked, valued and you will see a radical improvement in their behaviour!
Give them self-esteem not drugs.

[thegnome14]

my little brother is ignorant but only after he has hung out with kids that are bad if it's his half that's when he hangs out the most then it's defiantly just the kids behavior who he decides to hang out with

[Sandman2]

    Oh, forgot to ask if he was on stim meds.  If so tweeking the time of the pill or the medication can be very helpful.
    Here is an excellent link to sleep problems.  The first article mentioned is very good and there are many more.  The site is - http://www.additudemag.com/search/keyword/ADHD%20Sleep%20Advice.html
    And I would also check out the sleep apnea thing.  I have known parents whose kids had swollen adenoids and had a heck of a time sleeping until that was taken care of.  But its probably more ADHD related and being unable to turn off his brain - as the link above talks about.

[Cojeco]

He may not be getting enough sleep, but unless i give him knock out pills, i don't know how else to get him to sleep any earlier. And i hate dosing him any more than i do. The past couple of months have been better. I started having him lay in bed & color, or do an Ispy book.  He does not like to read.  but something that calms him has been helping, but even if i can get him to sleep by 9, ( usually it is more like 10 or 11 pm), he still does not want to wake up.  I don't notice any difference in the number of hours he sleeps & it helping him to wake up any nicer.  
I have thought about the seasonal disorder thing, but hadn't looked into that yet.  I will check out that link.  thank you!

[Sandman2]

    Wow, I would say that his behavior at 6 was more then slightly ADHD.  ADHD can cause many of the ODD behaviors and if the ADHD is not treated, it makes the ODD harder to deal with.
   In terms of bed time.  It sounds like he is not getting enough sleep.  What is his going to bed and waking up hours?  Have you looked into sleep apnea?  Ever left a camera on in his room to see how well he sleeps?
   Interesting on the Nov - Jan dates.  Two thoughts.  One is that school has geared up and the pressure on him (due to his adhd) gets to him.  I have seen lots of posts from parents whose kids barely hold it together during school and then have meltdowns when they get home.
   The other thought would be that the nights start getting shorter and something like seasonal affective disorder is getting to him - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002499/
   Hope some of this helps.  I am also the CL  on the ADHD forum if you have any questions about that please feel free to post.  Best wishes.

[Cojeco]

scary that there is so many of us out there but not very many options! My 9yrd old son is slightly adhd & extremely ODD!!  I can deal with the ADHD, but that defiance! whoo boy!  Until the last 6mths, almost every day has started with me hearing him say something about I hate you, i want to kill you, push you down the stairs, i just want to be dead.  broke my heart to hear my 6yr old say he wanted to kill himself!  at that time we didn't know he was adhd & odd.  My husband & I went to counseling for ODD, my son refusted to go, & We have found that when we change our behavior & how we respond to him, things are better.  But it is extremely hard to never  lose your cool around him.  He'll even yell at me about "why do you have to be so nice".  and i have also noticed he seems to be much worse from Nov - Jan.  Not sure why that time.   We are coping, but we have one hurdle that we can't seem to get thru.  He HATES to be woken up. & if he isn't ready to get up, then he is an absolute JERK & won't get ready until there is no time left to let him brush his hair & teeth. Anyone have ANY ideas on how to help someone wake up in a betterr mood??  We already give him melatonin before he goes to bed.  That does help some, but sheesh!  I'm so tired of starting every school day with the arguments!