10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

[sandra5263]

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra

[Emma47569]

It feels very good having other people around that are having the same difficulties! I am a 17 year old sister. One of the oldest siblings in the household. I have a 12 year old sister who is a terror and a half!! She has been diagnosed as MR but does not show any signs of it. She is sweet in school and around friends and whatnot. We are involved with the family counseling group LIFT and Children In Youth Services mainly because of her behavior. We have people in and out of the house all the time because of her! She acts innocent around guests and CYS. But yet after they leave all hell breaks loose. She has a horrible temper and is always over dramatizing things and lying! She has tried to stab herself and has suicidal tendencies. In 2013 she has went to a psychiatric ward twice! Its just horrible because she is lazy, careless and just hopeless! She tries to dress in provacative clothing and can be very provacative herself when around a boy she likes. Grounding and taking things away and adding on chores has not helped. We have tried to teach this child about values in herself and others. My mother has muscular sclurosis and when in alot of stress it knocks her out she is bed ridden with pain because of all te stress Laura is putting her under. I would like to somehow take the child off her hands and handle her myself. This might get complicated when i say this but she is not the daughter of my mother. It is my step fathers adopted daughter of his decised ex wife.. So in other words her mother was married to my mothers boyfriend and she died. Later my mother and him got together. but enough about that! I read the article and it is a rather helpful article. I am at my wits end with this child. This morning she told my mother she was basically going to make her life hell and get her and I to leave the house by telling lies to get my mother in trouble. She is literally always either grounded or in some kind of trouble. She can go from being happy one moment to being a miserable brat the next. Our house is always filled with tension and frustration. This is indeed the ultimate problem child! Are there any other suggestions for what to do with her. We are ready to send her to foster care! please help!

[Sandman2]

      
            What happens at school?  They have rules and discipline kids all day long.  If he does not react the same way with them, then it means he is playing you.  He has learned that if he makes a big fuss, then you back down.  So what is going on in school is a very important yardstick on dealing with this problem.

[Ter81]

This also could have been my email . My son is 12 but has been behaving like this since he was 10 !!!  He makes our home so miserable . He can turn a happy event into a stressful and depressing event just by his mood and sharp tongue . My little girl is a pleasure to be around and is always happy. I'm at the end of my tether . He just told me he hates me and wants to be adopted . He is very well cared for and looked after but if he is disciplined at all he turns into a monster . He says horrible things and screams and growls . It's awful we are walking in egg shells all the time . After he had been told off he had his own warped version if what had happened as if we just told him off for nothing !!! It's getting ridiculous

[Sandman2]

   Check out the book, "Love and Logic", by Fay and Cline.  I think you will find out its helpful in dealing with your son.

[Irishman818]

I take things away that mine cares about. I mean everything except that which I am mandated by law to provide. He gets no television, video games, no nothing. Straight to his room after school. Homework is all he is allowed to do. When that's done, he gets nothing. Not even books to read to pass time. He is left to himself completely to just loathe every minute and think about what got him there. The boy definetly understands what cause and effect are and that there are consequences for everything. If he disrupts my house and makes it uncomfortable, his life becomes miserable.

Next time, give him a day or so of it. Don't buckle or give in. Tell him how long it's for and don't stray. Make sure he has a clock to stare at too.

[the_sightless_jay]

When I was ten I had the same problem some of it was jealousy all the rests was hermones (which is unnormal for males much less ten year old males) by the way I go by jay.