10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

[sandra5263]

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra

[Midaftnoon]

Thanks Sandman.  I will definitely come take a look.  I had ruled out SPD based on no issues with crossing the midline and if I had to guess based on what I've read the communication between the hemis has slways been quite strong.  Could she have had a temporary processing issue with regard to certain input during the colicky days however?  She would cry a lot... Loud white noise and her swing (vertical movement only) or carrying her up and down the stairs would stop it.  She hated the car and stroller during that time as well.  Otherwise she talked extremely early, reached out and held a small rattle early, walked at the average expected time and well, continued to develop coordination quite well, other midline activities strong (in fact picked up the harp easily), sequencing activities came naturally, auditory processing fine, no real pickiness.  Just precocious but with odd  that could last forever.  Very persistent with no way to soothe her.  Only other things that could be sensory-problem related:  HATED hair washing and brushing  (but has Very Thick Hair) and for some time as an lolder infant she would want to be held but would push against me.  hard to hold her.  She doesn't scream anymore (that pretty much stopped about 2 yrs ago) but is very tough on her brother and parents.  She remains moody at times but is also so sweet at other times.  I guess I lean toward the mix of personality/temperament (she is like her dad and I in the middle of extraversion and innie and possibly an idealist - her bro is a younger very energetic extrovert),  intelligence and possible nervous system trauma.  Thoughts?  :)

[Sandman2]

     Some kids with short fuses have Sensory Processing Disorder (or Sensory Integration Disorder).  It is something that is not dealt with by medication, but a variety of techniques.  We have a great forum run by specialmom who also has a sensory child.  The forum is here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Sensory-Integration-Disorder-SID/show/1396
    And a good site for overall info is here - http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/

[Midaftnoon]

Ps.  I wish more would be done at infancy to help our reactive babes.  I remember with the vaccine reactions and colic being told very condescendingly by Pediatricians that she was fine, etc, just wait it out.  I think more could be asked and together health practitioners and parents could figure ways to calm the babies, support the families, and follow-up throughout their development. A few smart Peds and nurses are, thankfully, doing this now...

Mykidzmama, btw, absolutely the right advice.  I do think some have deeper trauma rooted in infancy and nervous systems that need healing, but you are spot-on with your guidance.

[Midaftnoon]

Our daughter, now 10, has been much the same as many of yours.  She is a wonderful, smart child (always sweet in school) but also has a short fuse and can be provoked over the smallest of perceived slights or grievances, especially if going through a stressful transition or period.  I was wondering how many of yours had colic as babies?  I believe her experience with this has fetal beginnings or is rooted in infancy.  She may have a genetic predisposition but I wonder:  1.  what chemical exposure did she have in utero (they say we carry so many toxicants now) and although the 3 years prior to pg we were eating much organics I know I had gmo's as well.  2.  Did she have vagal nerve compression during childbirth?  3.  She strongly reacted to vaccines (past initial poke.  At 6 weeks, she screamed for days with a fever).  I really wonder if her stress response was over-stimulated and her fight button was turned on and stuck.  I could see how parents would be held accountable by young ones because naturally we are the ones babies and children depend on for care.  When we don't (because we don't know how to fix the unknown/invisible culprit), what does this do psychologically?  And our sweet children likely often feel misunderstood when we feel upset by their emotional outbursts.  Their emotions may not completely align with their thoughts or at least their more deeply held beliefs about us, life, etc.  this is why it is so important to not overreact to their behavior and to make time for them, show love...  When disciplining, be firm but not reactive or lecturing.  It can be exhausting, I know.  What I would love to know is what helps best to calm the body?  I have a supplement, Calm Child, I am thinking of trying.  Maybe ashwagandha? What else?   I think it is important to get the body's stress reducing mechanisms working.  If the parents are handling it best we can and the children can experience negative or challenging events with a CALM body that doesn't overreact, over time perhaps at least some of these kiddos who live in good environments and eat a clean diet can feel better.  I imagine massage and all sorts of healthful therapeutic activities could be employed.  Nip it in the mind-body bud!

[harlet]

My son is 8 he has rapid blinking of the eyes and has a stutter followed by a sniffing sound which is quite annoying. When at school his teacher has said that he disturbs other children by poking them and not allowing them to learn.another teacher referred to him as the class clown. He can be a lovely child but has days where he can be really nasty he will not wait his turn and gets irritable quickly. Homework is a battle in my house and my son would rather guess than try to work it out his attention I find is always somewhere else and this is reflecting in his work at school because he is below average and regularly does not bring his homework or books for reading home. I have been to our doctor and after a two minute observation he told me by looking at my son he is fine his blinking is out of habit. I disagree and I feel that he could not be bothered please someone help I'm at my wits end!!

[SFmonsterdark]

Great info, this is great feedback for any parent.