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10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior
Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home. This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10. We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler. I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this. School is a different story and always has been. He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him. They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home. None of this behavior is ever displayed at school. He has many friends, plays sports and guitar. He is a welcome guest at play dates. Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.
We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior. Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family. We have many close friends and family members. Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family. Never, ever with friends or relatives.
We are at our wits end. When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around. I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling. With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference. We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens. Just as we can never know what really sets him off.
So.....what to do? Grounding has not helped. Taking things away doesn't seem to matter. Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him. He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.
Any ideas will be appreciated. Thanks so very much.
Sandra
We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior. Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family. We have many close friends and family members. Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family. Never, ever with friends or relatives.
We are at our wits end. When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around. I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling. With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference. We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens. Just as we can never know what really sets him off.
So.....what to do? Grounding has not helped. Taking things away doesn't seem to matter. Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him. He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.
Any ideas will be appreciated. Thanks so very much.
Sandra
My Gosh. I could have written this email. Our 91/2 year old son has all of the same behaviors. He is a beloved student at school, but a terror at home. He talks like he's 13 years old. Disrespectful, angry, selfish. His 7 year old brother is so easy going and fun to be around. This kid truly makes our home a miserable place to be much of the time. No punishment, carrot, etc. helps.
I, too, would be interested in thoughts on this.
I, too, would be interested in thoughts on this.
We have the same problem with our 8 year old son. He has numerous allergies and is asthmatic. We often wonder whether this has contributed somehow to his behaviour problem - similar to sandra5263, his is cyclical too but often every 4 - 6 weeks. Inbetween, he is an absolute angel!
my son is 10yrs old and if i say it nite he would say it day, anyone got some ground rules to handle these know it all children
i'm at a lost on what to do!!!! whenhe woke up this morning he stated to disagree with me on what he should wear, power struggle!! kurt is suppose to get up and do afew things and get dress and face his face and brush his teeth. this is not hardbut he makes our morning miserable just talking back disagreeing. i don't know what to do. help don;t lnow how to help him and make a better life for all of us
I would say this could have been my email also. I have an 11 year old son who displays almost the identical bahavior as your child. All of his teachers and friends' parents think he is the polite and wonderful child. Our homelife is greatly disrupted because of his behavior. Our two other children are very enjoyable, but he antagonizes everyone and causes much stress to them and us parents! I have purchased The Total Transformation and am working my way through the material, but I have not seen any transformation yet! I would be very interested how others are coping with this. Right now, I dream of boarding school!
yep - could have been my email too!! We have a boy about to turn 10 and life around him (when at home) is unpleaseant. So what's the solution?
Same here - my 11.5 year old son just told me that he hated me, wished I was dead and that he was going to beat me. We also have a younger, polite and friendly son that is a joy to be with. There's a pattern here - everyone that has posted has a first born son that is pure hell and several folks have younger siblings that seem to be the opposite. There's also the cyclical nature several of us have seen.
Perhaps there's a sibling jealousy thing going on - that must be part of it. Another part could be if everyone who has posted is a mom and the dads are being somewhat disrespectful to us. I think that could give the oldest son a message that the mother does not need to be respected. That is certainly true in my case with my ex-husband. He actually smirks if he catches my son rejecting me like he 'won'.
Perhaps there's a sibling jealousy thing going on - that must be part of it. Another part could be if everyone who has posted is a mom and the dads are being somewhat disrespectful to us. I think that could give the oldest son a message that the mother does not need to be respected. That is certainly true in my case with my ex-husband. He actually smirks if he catches my son rejecting me like he 'won'.
Well, I think that as parents, especially mothers, we should never put up with rude or disrespectful behavior from our kids.
First of all, it is very damaging, if our child sees our husband/partner disrespecting us. So we should do all we can to improve this. Boys around this age are very impressionable as they are starting to define themselves as members of "male" world, and they quickly copycat their dads' attitude towards their mothers. Beware of keeping verbally abusive husband or boyfirend at home around your children.
Second, make sure that your kid hangs out with good kids and do not spend unsupervised time browsing internet or chatting. Have you installed good parental controls on his computer so that you can go over his chats and see what they are talking about? You would be shocked and surprised (as I was myself) when you read what 10 year old kids are talking about and how they express themselves... They swear, they talk about sex, they repeat what they hear at movies (beware of some PG13!!!), they may not fully understant that is being said, but they pick up on bad attitudes very fast...
Eliminate your child's exposure to violent games- do not think it's okay that he plays it because "everybody else plays it" - make an effort and actually see what is this game about. If our kid spends hours chopping off heads and fighting monsters with a sword - how can we expect him to be a kind and well behaved kid??
Have you met his friends? Do you know how they talk when you are not around? Keep in mind, they are your son's teachers as well.
Like with everything, consistency is the key. Each time your child says something rude to you or acts disrespectfully, you have to stop whatever you are doing and talk to him. Explain, punish, explain, punish, explain. It doesn't have to be your fault, there are often some black sheep in the best families. It is our responsibility as parents to keep on trying to get rid of this behavior while he is still a child and we have some say in his life.
I think it is crucial that we fight hard for our kids. We do not want to end up with an adult son who slaps us around and treats us like dirt. Demand respect, ALWAYS.
First of all, it is very damaging, if our child sees our husband/partner disrespecting us. So we should do all we can to improve this. Boys around this age are very impressionable as they are starting to define themselves as members of "male" world, and they quickly copycat their dads' attitude towards their mothers. Beware of keeping verbally abusive husband or boyfirend at home around your children.
Second, make sure that your kid hangs out with good kids and do not spend unsupervised time browsing internet or chatting. Have you installed good parental controls on his computer so that you can go over his chats and see what they are talking about? You would be shocked and surprised (as I was myself) when you read what 10 year old kids are talking about and how they express themselves... They swear, they talk about sex, they repeat what they hear at movies (beware of some PG13!!!), they may not fully understant that is being said, but they pick up on bad attitudes very fast...
Eliminate your child's exposure to violent games- do not think it's okay that he plays it because "everybody else plays it" - make an effort and actually see what is this game about. If our kid spends hours chopping off heads and fighting monsters with a sword - how can we expect him to be a kind and well behaved kid??
Have you met his friends? Do you know how they talk when you are not around? Keep in mind, they are your son's teachers as well.
Like with everything, consistency is the key. Each time your child says something rude to you or acts disrespectfully, you have to stop whatever you are doing and talk to him. Explain, punish, explain, punish, explain. It doesn't have to be your fault, there are often some black sheep in the best families. It is our responsibility as parents to keep on trying to get rid of this behavior while he is still a child and we have some say in his life.
I think it is crucial that we fight hard for our kids. We do not want to end up with an adult son who slaps us around and treats us like dirt. Demand respect, ALWAYS.
Here here. We are getting really bummed out a lot lately. Our sweet little boy is ELEVEN and acts like a surly teenager pretty much all the time. Is this what we can expect in the dreaded teenage years????
And to make matters worse he has tow younger sisters who seem to emulate his every move.
We do wonder if it is mainly concentrated on the home. Talking to teachers and other parents who are around him is a great place to start. Thanks for that.
Good luck everybody. And please wish us the same ....
And to make matters worse he has tow younger sisters who seem to emulate his every move.
We do wonder if it is mainly concentrated on the home. Talking to teachers and other parents who are around him is a great place to start. Thanks for that.
Good luck everybody. And please wish us the same ....
I have a 9 and a half year son and he also has many of these behaviors. However, he is like this with many of the adults that he feels comfortable with. My mom and dad, his aunties....ect. He is well behaved at school for the most part but I do get phone calls from teachers and parents about his semi hurtful behavior towards other students.
I feel like our emotional life at home is dictated by him. He is grumpy and rude and insolent and he argues everything we say. It is sooooo frustrating. When reading the other posts I saw the one about monitoring his movies and computers...the funny thing is we don't have a television nor does he get to play the computer very often. He does have a nintendo DS but he only plays it an hour each weekend day. His friends at school also have the same rules...for the most part.
I came on this site to see if anyone had any suggestions. I so want our family life to be fun and friendly and caring.
Sometimes I feel like he is trying to teach me about myself. I can be rude and mean to my husband when I am tired or sick...or annoyed. I have a hard time with my own personality defaults - how am I supposed to expect any better from my 9 year old?
My son is never happy with the status quo - he is always wanting more than what he has - never happy with what he already does has. I need a solution...I need a way to make this better.
Help!
I feel like our emotional life at home is dictated by him. He is grumpy and rude and insolent and he argues everything we say. It is sooooo frustrating. When reading the other posts I saw the one about monitoring his movies and computers...the funny thing is we don't have a television nor does he get to play the computer very often. He does have a nintendo DS but he only plays it an hour each weekend day. His friends at school also have the same rules...for the most part.
I came on this site to see if anyone had any suggestions. I so want our family life to be fun and friendly and caring.
Sometimes I feel like he is trying to teach me about myself. I can be rude and mean to my husband when I am tired or sick...or annoyed. I have a hard time with my own personality defaults - how am I supposed to expect any better from my 9 year old?
My son is never happy with the status quo - he is always wanting more than what he has - never happy with what he already does has. I need a solution...I need a way to make this better.
Help!
I have the same problem with my eight year old girl. It is amazing to hear that other families also have the exact same scenarios in their households. I just wonder where I went wrong and how to correct the problem. She also have a younger sibling age 6 that does not exhibit these behaviors.
Please note: my husband displays respect of & to me and also experiences this problem with our child, we don't have concerns with any of his friends, he rarely watches tv and his online activities do not include violence etc.
After a recent confusing bout with our son I googled something about opposing behaviour (can't remember exactly) but I came across a number of pages describing 'oppositional behaviour' and the link below has some techniques we've started applying.
http://www.yourfamilyclinic.com/ODD/ODD.html
I'm not into labells and this may not address the needs of your situation but you may wish to consider it.
It's early days for us yet and indeed as I write this my son has become frustrated with something he's been doing and now he is commencing the buildup pattern of trying to 'pick a fight'. We will apply our new found knowledge and see how we go!
Cheers
After a recent confusing bout with our son I googled something about opposing behaviour (can't remember exactly) but I came across a number of pages describing 'oppositional behaviour' and the link below has some techniques we've started applying.
http://www.yourfamilyclinic.com/ODD/ODD.html
I'm not into labells and this may not address the needs of your situation but you may wish to consider it.
It's early days for us yet and indeed as I write this my son has become frustrated with something he's been doing and now he is commencing the buildup pattern of trying to 'pick a fight'. We will apply our new found knowledge and see how we go!
Cheers
Here's my theory.. I call it 'first child syndrome' and unfortunately, it's all the parents' fault! Many first time parents are just (understandably) clueless and end up being way too sensitive and concerned about their first born, fussing and indulging and generally stressing out and over compensating.
I know several children like this and they are ALL the first born. They were just catered to way too much in the early developmental years..All the tears and tantrums were taken far too seriously... My sister has a son like this - he is soooooo rude! But I remember when he was a baby, he would cry for food and so my sister would shovel it in his mouth as fast as she could.. when he fell over or hurt himself in any way, she was so fussy and over protective - she indulged him ALL the time as a baby and unfortunately this has had far reaching consequences.
I don't know what the solution is to this - I would love to know because she is also at her wits end. I have witnessed this behavior and it is awful! He is just extremely self-centered and selfish and I am convinced it is because of how my sister was when he was a baby..
I know several children like this and they are ALL the first born. They were just catered to way too much in the early developmental years..All the tears and tantrums were taken far too seriously... My sister has a son like this - he is soooooo rude! But I remember when he was a baby, he would cry for food and so my sister would shovel it in his mouth as fast as she could.. when he fell over or hurt himself in any way, she was so fussy and over protective - she indulged him ALL the time as a baby and unfortunately this has had far reaching consequences.
I don't know what the solution is to this - I would love to know because she is also at her wits end. I have witnessed this behavior and it is awful! He is just extremely self-centered and selfish and I am convinced it is because of how my sister was when he was a baby..
It is amazing to read such similar circumstances in other families! It's nice to know we aren't alone! I am wondering what consequenses that other people use for their 10 year old boys that display this behaviour. Our problem is that he will completely ignore what we say, or say yes just appease us and then not do what we ask and then say that he "forgot"! So frustrating! I never was grounded when I was young and I am wondering what peoples version of grounded is. Do you make them stay in their room and not aloud to do anything? Any information would be helpful! Thank you!
I know what I said was a generalization, but I'll bet in 9 out of 10 cases, I am correct. I know personally of 6 different eldest children who all exhibit this behavior. When I talk to the parents about how they were when they first became parents; they all give exactly the same story.. Nervous, anxious, clueless, over-indulgent.. I really do think that how we are as parents and what kind of energy we exude in those first few formative years is vitally important and has a huge impact on the emotional development of the child. I'm not trying to play the blame game, just what I have observed with all these kids, including my nephew.
Mine is the same at 11 years old - he is not a first child but is the first son. My first and third children (girl and boy) do not behave like he does and are generally very respectful. I am at my wits ends. He does not behave like this with anyone else including his Dad, except that he is verbally mean to his little brother and has started to disrespect his older sister. He is making minimal effort at school unless his teachers come down hard on him. He makes almost zero effort at home. EVERYTHING is a disagreement just for the sake of it. I have noticed that when he is alone with me he is not as bad but unfortunately I cannot exclude my other children. He has always been very demanding.By the way my husband (his Dad) is a great Dad and role model and we have a very stable, loving, home.
All of us need advice on this issue as we love our sons. Can anyone help constuctively.?!!
All of us need advice on this issue as we love our sons. Can anyone help constuctively.?!!
I do feel slightly better reading all these posts...it seems we're not alone in this, and maybe it's just a phase we're all going through together. I came here looking for advice and it seems we're all still looking for some help! My son just turned 10 and we've always had a difficult time with him being the class clown at school or being figity and we get calls from the teacher about his disruptive behavior. (Usually just the first half of the year) Now it's turned into storytelling to the point where we can't even believe a word he says anymore. He's gotten in trouble for being disrespectful at school, lying about homework being done or other things. He's the same with me at home too. Not so much his dad. His Dad has a temper and I have a feeling that's not helping the matter. I'd like us all to go to counceling together, but my husband isn't up for it. (So it's more like dealing with two children!) So my son's just recently gotten in-school suspension twice now for not following rules and as a result was kicked-off the Mathletics team at school. He's a smart kid...near the top of his class in reading and math so it's such a shame. I don't know what to do. I feel like we're always punishing him. We plan rewards for him for the good stuff and before we get to it, he's done something else so bad, that we have to cancel those plans. He's missed birthday parties, outings with friends...it never ends. He actually says he needs more attention, but I think he gets quite a bit for the fact that we have two children. We plan days just for him and I or he and his Dad so we can spend more time with him, but...as everyone mentioned too, he's the first born son. He wants ALL our attention. So I'm looking forward to someone posting some advice on how to deal with this "first born" syndrome! I don't think this is the total solution, but it must be a big part of it! Dad needs to get on board too, but how do I convince a stubborn 37 year old that he's part to blame for this and so am I for being the "softy". Does anyone else have this problem? I have a 4 year old too and don't want to go through this again in 6 years!
It has been three weeks since I was last in this forum seeking help for my 11-year-old son and my family. I felt compelled to get back on here and thank smellysocks for the link that was offered http://www.yourfamilyclinic.com/ODD/ODD.html. The information in this article has transformed me and my husband's relationship with my son. I won't get into the details of how horribly bad things had gotten in our household, but I PROMISE that we were at out wits end and I was afraid my only solutions were divorce or sending my child away. For me, I couldn't live with either of those choices. All I can say is that I'm not a perfect parent. I am not a stay at home mom. My husband (the stepdad) and I had to be committed together to changing and opening ourselves up to the information contained in the article. I think the "tactics" in the article have shocked my son's system and thrown him for a loop - we aren't doing what he is anticipating. We are hugging him in the beginning of an argument!!! What the hell!!! Please don't roll your eyes at it until you try it (yeah, I've been there too). I don't have the ADD or ADHD child, but I swear to you that once my husband and I committed to changing and consistency, we have seen a truly miraculous change. Please give it a try...I'm still stunned by our results.
Oh I am so pleased that you are having success! Thank you for coming back to tell us. I don't have quite the issues here but always read what I can regarding parenting. I'll check out the website and am truly happy that you are having success with your boy and things are more peaceful!! Continued luck to you.
Wow that was a great article. I couldn't find the article through witsend's link, but I found it through smelly socks link. This article will help alot of parents with children with oppositional behaviors it even talks about what everyone was saying that these children are well behaved in front of others. It talks about raising the self esteem of your child through praise when they are doing something right and about enjoying a hobby with them. It also says to let your child know you love them at least 4 times a day. Thank you smellysocks!
Dear witsend011,
I'm very pleased things are working for you - thanks should go to Tilman Sheets and whomever made the article available online :-)
I've bought a Ripstick which my son and I are sharing and learning to ride together. The other night, as I gave him a cuddle goodnight, I said how much I was enjoying Ripstiking with him and he glowed with pleasure.
I've also been hugging my son as he works himself up for an argument with me which enables us both to become a bit more clear headed and reasonable, giving more real options, telling I love him several times a day and 'not sweating the small stuff'. It all adds up and cost nothing - except I'll be up for the cost of another Ripstik 'cause I can't get a look in on the one we have.
I keep a copy of the article in the 'important' pile of papers on my desk and reread it to occassionally to refresh myself.
Best wishes, Smellysocks
I'm very pleased things are working for you - thanks should go to Tilman Sheets and whomever made the article available online :-)
I've bought a Ripstick which my son and I are sharing and learning to ride together. The other night, as I gave him a cuddle goodnight, I said how much I was enjoying Ripstiking with him and he glowed with pleasure.
I've also been hugging my son as he works himself up for an argument with me which enables us both to become a bit more clear headed and reasonable, giving more real options, telling I love him several times a day and 'not sweating the small stuff'. It all adds up and cost nothing - except I'll be up for the cost of another Ripstik 'cause I can't get a look in on the one we have.
I keep a copy of the article in the 'important' pile of papers on my desk and reread it to occassionally to refresh myself.
Best wishes, Smellysocks
WOW, I'm so relieved to actually hear that it's not just our family going thru this. Our is slightly different as we have 7 and 9 year old disrespectful boys. The 9 year old turns 10 in September but I feel like they are both about 13 years old with their behaviour. I have found like everyone else that the disrespect and bad behaviour is normally when they are at home except for last week. My 7 year old 'exploded' at school when someone called him a nasty name in the classroom, he then called them a 'boob lady', which he got in trouble with his teacher. It was when another boy said something to him (which wasn't very nice) and he went off his nut. Screaming, saying he hates school and then burst into tears. He headed to the door to leave but his teacher stopped him before he got there (he would have been out that door and gone!!) Lucky I had mentioned to his teaacher at the beginning of the year what could happen). This is the first time that he's ever done anything wrong at school, so I really feel that we need to address the problem. As everyone else has mentioned my boys are also exceptional at school, both also being School Council Captains. This weekend just gone, I would say has been the worst. Both the boys are so disrespectful towards my husband and I, especially when asked to do something whether it be to have a shower, make their bed, feed the cat or god forebid put some toys away! I disgussed it with my husband and hoping that this would help - I decided to pack a bag and leave the house. I was gone for about 5 hours still with communication with my husband as to what was happening. I ended up coming home as my kids didn't even care that I wasn't coming back - I've decided that they really do dislike me. Even when I returned they didn't even talk to me or acknowledge that I was there. Our kids always seem to be fighting and the 7 year old is the one that most of the time hurts the 9 year old. Then of course the older one gets fed up with being hurt so then hurts the younger one, then the tears start. The 7 year old is alway saying that he's going to run away so much so that we've had to put a alarms on the doors so we know if he's left, then the chase is on as he's so quick sometimes we have to get the older son to catch him. I would have to say that at least twice a week my kids have me in tears as to what they have said or done, it's that hurtful. We didn't decide to have kids so that we could be hurt and degraded all the time. I understand that there are the ups and downs but god there's alot of downs about 95% down, which is alot. We ended up over a month ago now taking the kids playstation, Nintendo DS's and computers away from them but even that hasn't helped. My husband and I just don't know what to do anymore and we are finding it really hard on each other trying to deal with it - nothing seems to work. We really, really need some help - PLEASE if anyone can helps us before it's too late.....
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