4 year old, possibly mean???

[adrias_mom]

My daughter will be 4 in a couple of months.  I am constantly hearing from her daycare provider that she is mean, selfish, rude, and many other things.  When she is at home with us, we don't see that.  She acts stubborn sometimes, but come on, but I don't see her acting bad.  When I see her interact with other kids, she acts shy and quiet, definitely non-confrontational.  Around other kids, I look at her and just think, wow, she really is a good kid, because she doesn't do all the bratty things I see other kids do.  So what am I missing?  Could she just be the worlds worst kid at daycare, but hide everything when I'm around????  It isn't that I don't see her interact with other kids because I do and I do not see what the daycare provider says is there.  I don't even know how to correct it if I never see her do it.

[specialmom]

One other thing I thought I would mention.  Something that I think is helpful is if parents think of home as training camp for outside of home.  When you play with her, play with her as if you are a peer.  Make her share her toys with you (we institute a "trade only" rule), take turns coming up with what you play so that she has to do what you say in the game for a bit, take turns winning at games, don't always let her have her way, etc.  

As parents, we provide an enviroment in which our little ones often don't have to sort out conflict routinely so then in settings with equally as stubborn peers . . . they don't know how to handle it.  
goodluck

[specialmom]

I'm going to agree with the other ladies here.  My son was also one of those children that was a different kid in preschool than he was at home and with me.  But I'm his "comfort zone" and at home he has more control over his enviroment (so he thinks LOL).  When I was told of issues at preschool, I went and observed.  I spent a couple of random days in his classroom and did see what they were talking about.  Have you volunteered in her room or gone and spent the day there.  I highly recommend that just to get a feel of a typical day . . . and I'd do it even if you change daycares.

As far as the day care, well.  I agree with Anniebrook.  Their wording is odd for a 3 year old.  What things do they do to help the situation?  How do they redirect her or help her grow past it?  I think that I'd be inclined to find another day care and see if the problem persists.  You may need to go ahead and start working with her as if these problems are something you see.  Talks about using nice words to our friends always.  And we do as adults say, always.  Plant those seeds.  But I think you'll have much more to go on if you were to go spend the day with her in the classroom.  

Good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

My son is very different in preschool than he is at home.  (Not mean, etc. but much, much shyer and very un-inclined to join the other kids to do things.  When he's with us or other family members, he's very confident and talks happily to strangers and so on.  People comment on how cute, verbal, outgoing, etc. he is.)  I've been told that this striking difference in behavior (the preschool workers are literally the only adults in his life who have never complimented us on his behavior) is because he is very attached to us, we give him a strong sense of confidence, and that when we're not there and the situation is strange, all bets are off.  So, yes, it is possible that your daughter is behaving differently at daycare than when with you.

That said, the issue is the interpretation the daycare provider is putting onto the actions of a young child.  I would be very troubled by any daycare provider who used terms like mean, selfish and rude about a 3-year-old.  "Loud," "not listening," or "abrupt," maybe would be fine, those are descriptions of behavior.  Mean/ selfish/ rude is ascribing negative motives and character traits.  Not only is it hard to believe a nearly-four-year-old could genuinely be those things, but it shows that the daycare person has made a judgment and is going to come at your child armed with those preconceived notions at all times.  In other words, as RockRose suggests, it sounds like the provider is sideways with the child and she's probably going to always react to your daughter in that way.

I agree entirely with RockRose that you should change daycares.  An adult in the profession of taking care of 3-year-olds should never be slapping labels around like that.  I'd get my kid away immediately, before she picks up on the way she is being treated and it starts to affect her self esteem.  Kids believe what adults tell them.  She could easily start to feel like she is a bad girl, if the provider is always mad at her.  

[RockRose]

I think it's possible that she behaves completely differently outside your presence than she does when you are around.  

It's also possible that there is a weird dynamic going on there,  and she is having to defend herself and feels cornered,  or it's possible that the daycare provider has a personal issue with her that's not really related to her behavior.  I think all of us have witnessed personality conflicts between adults and kids that are completely unrelated to the child's behavior.

I would move her to a different daycare.  If you truthfully have never witnessed this,  it's worth moving her somewhere else.