Help

[Brittanylovesyou]

I have a huge issue my boyfriends child likes to act like his girlfriend instead of his child. He has told her time after time that she is his child not his girlfriend. Every time I sit next to him she throws a fit and has to sit next to him. If he kisses me She has to get a kiss. If I'm hugging on him she has too.. Her mother isn't around anymore due to court orders. I love her very much like my own child but I feel like she dosent want me and her dad to date or love each other. I feel like my boyfriend allows this to happen and just says I'm trying to work on this. She very disrespectful to me. Will tell me to shut up and has hit me before and a lot of other disrespectful things. Also she will plant things I'm my 6 year old daughters room and say she went in her room and took it. Ice watched her do things to my child then go tell her dad that my child is doing it to her and I hear it so I ask him what's going on and he says my daughter is being bad starting problems and I'll tell him what I seen and he acts so dafensive and still blames my child for everything... I'm almost at my braking point. If you have any advice or direction please help me!!!

[Kayk7777]

Also I do not believe that you should run away from your relationship if anything I believe that you should seek proper counseling for the whole family if that is what needs to happen first of all if you love him he loves you you need to show that little girl that she does have a mother figure in her life but you need to do it very respectfully and you can't make her love you you can't make her call your mom but you can make her respect you because you try to better your boyfriend her and your relationship together do not leave her out of things do not push her aside she has a problem with losing people it seems like in her life and it would be the woman figure try to understand her but do not let her disrespect you but you have to earn respect from a child I hope that helps you

[Kayk7777]

hey I think that you should 1 seek counseling for the child number 2 where did this Behavior come from you need to know that because it was a learned behavior somewhere she was OK by acting that way before you I'm sure and sometimes it is out of jealousy because she's used to being the only woman if the mothers out of the picture in your boyfriend's life so there's a lot of things to look at . I am a counselor for children and it is determined for Behavior by the issues and the history of the child and family has

[Kayk7777]

hey I think that you should 1 seek counseling for the child number 2 where did this Behavior come from you need to know that because it was a learned behavior somewhere she was OK by acting that way before you I'm sure and sometimes it is out of jealousy because she's used to being the only woman if the mothers out of the picture in your boyfriend's life so there's a lot of things to look at . I am a counselor for children and it is determined for Behavior by the issues and the history of the child and family has

[greenfox]

you should try to respect the child a little more. she sees you as an interloper, you should be keeping kissing and cuddling private you are setting up a competitive atmosphere for her father's affection. she's jealous of you...and you are jealous of her?

[Mariah_Rose22]

You never stated her age but from a psychological aspect  children usually develop a sexual feeling towards their parents at the age of 3-6, thats where the nickname of daddies girl or mamas boy originated from. When a child is going through that phase in their life and something happens, for example; her not being able to see her mother , she's going  to latch onto that emotional connection with her father more than she normally would. Causing her to stay stuck in that phase until she grows up or understands what is completely going on between you and your boyfriend.

[JMPP2219]

This is a tough situation and I can understand everyone's comments about letting this relationship go.  They are right. The children come first, but one of the biggest influences in a child's life are relationships....with parents, friends, family, siblings, etc.  Since she has lost her mom, the best thing you can do for her is either A.) commit to love her as your own daughter and be the Mom you know you can be, or B.) Let it go, take a step back and let her and her father heal.  I have not been in this situation before but I do work with kids for a living.  They are extremely influenced by the adult relationships around them.  She does need to see a stable relationship between you and her dad, but it's not going to be easy.  Don't let her comments get to you and keep being an example of love.  If you decide to stay, the absolute worst thing you can do is leave...at this point that's the last thing either one of the children need.  Here are my suggestions if you are making the big commitment: Ask her to draw a picture of her family right now...(don't be alarmed if it's only her and her dad) Then, Instead of competing for your boyfriends attention, encourage them to spend some time together.  Set up a father daughter date for them, take pictures of them together and give her a gift of that memory.  This will ease the tension.  Then encourage the two siblings to spend time together.  Next, I would slowly start a small habit that you do as a FAMILY once a week.  Start small, like family movie night once a week.  Then progress to family dinner night once a week or go to church together, then progress to a sit down meal everyday.  Consistency is the key, kids need it.   Until her heart is mended and she feels secure she will not welcome you, but the worst thing you can do is take away her daddy time.  When she allows it, start doing Mom things with her.  Go to her dance recitals or watch her class play.  Attend birthday parties and family gatherings, you could even start your own routine girls "date" like ice cream and shopping! Eventually months will go by and she will grow custom to you being around and when you ask her to draw a picture of her family...she will remember "family movie night", "Family church night", "family dinner night" and she will draw a picture of her family but this time it will include you and your children.

[Goth237]

Of course she is acting that way. She feels like you're trying to take her father away and trying to step in to the role of her mother. She doesn't want a second mother, she wants her mother so she's going to be protective. It must be awful for her. It's not you but you have to be sensitive to that. Maybe explain to her that you're not trying to take the place of her mother and that you understand she must miss her. Maybe get her to open up about how it makes her feel.

[Nighthawk61]

Maybe it would help the girls to feel more closely connected, if they were to go to church together as a family? That way they could hear about how families are meant to act towards one another and hopefully be validated what your and your husband are teaching them at home?

[814Ever]

Enforcing religion may not be the best solution. Especially from a young age. Many kids grow to be depressed due to a strict upbringing of a specific religion and how they should act in "The eyes of God". I guess it really depends on how this family feels on religion as a topic.

[Nighthawk61]

Do you mind me asking. a couple o f questions?

When was the mother removed from seeing this little girl?
How long since your partner and little girl been living with the bio mom?
How long  did you and have your kids become accustom to the idea of a blended family?
Are you married? did your kids attend a ceremony?
Have you read a good many articles about blending a family?
Do you help with bating and combing hair dressing etc. and looked after all her needs? for how long?

Sorry but it would really help others answer your questions.

[Nighthawk61]

IF you can become selfless and totally dedicated to making this little girl feel like she's not the one visiting her dad and his new family.

[Nighthawk61]

There are many sites dedicated to empowering step parents and step children's relationships. If you haven't already read up on them and try some of the suggestions out. Let us know how it goes.

After reading the from the following site, it says to defer to the bio mother (in your case) and i got to wondering if a few positive comments from you about her mother might not help. ie. if the mother is an addict, say that your mom is sick now, but there is help out there for her. Maybe your dad and i can see if we can direct to a rehab (and then do it).

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/blended-family-the-5-secrets-of-effective-stepparenting/

She sounds like she's just very confused at 6, about whether she is being disloyal to her mom if she made life too easy for you? or if she is just going to take a lot more time to get used to the fact that her own mom will never again be in your position in the family. 'm pretty sure that this littel girl would benefit by way of talking to a child psychologist, but i'm not sure taking away a potential family (step or not) is a wise choice. Hopefully this will work out to your girls becoming sisters, despite the early trials not going so smoothly. And maybe her mother is lost , and you will be the only mother she is able to remember . So please, if you're going to stay, don't think of her as a step child, in the sense of how you need to love her, because she needs all of your  mother's love. You're all she's got or all she's ever going to have. You CAN DO SO MUCH.

[Brittanylovesyou]

Sandyman thank you for the links I rele appreciate it.. And more postive outlook comment

[Sandman2]

         Dang, this has got to be tough for you.  You are trying the best you can with the info you have and it is not working.   The problem is that you are looking at this through your eyes and not the eyes of the little girl.  The posters above have pretty much nailed it in terms of what the little girl is going through.  She is in survival mode.  She is only six and is trying to hang on to the only thing left that she has.  Six year olds are not known for their reasoning abilities, especially in these situations.  
        What the above posters are nicely trying to tell you is that this is a very difficult situation to deal with.  If the dad is not on board with you it is impossible.   So really, if you want to make this work - you and your boy friend have to be working from the same page.   It will mean that for awhile (I think) you will have to ignore all of the concerns you have stated until the little girl feels her world is not going to fall apart.
        There are books aimed at this age group that deal with problems like this.  They are meant to be read to the child and talked about.  It might be a starting place for you and your boy friend to share these with your kids.  All of these links have other recommended books listed below the main book.  Also look at the reviews to see how other parents used them.  This will not be easy for any of you.  And, if the military offers any counseling, you might want to also check that out.  The links are:
        http://www.amazon.com/Worry-Worrying-You-Ferida-Wolff/dp/1933718056/ref=pd_sim_14_28?ie=UTF8&dpID=51v8qRe%2Bn4L&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR160%2C160_&refRID=0W0RBJB5RR1EGCGJP3JJ
         http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Feel-Janan-Cain/dp/1884734715/ref=pd_sim_14_45?ie=UTF8&dpID=51YcXIprCeL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR146%2C160_&refRID=1FKM6EDF7WP8WA91YPPZ
        http://www.amazon.com/Families-Change-Experiencing-Termination-Important/dp/1575422093/ref=pd_sim_14_16?ie=UTF8&dpID=519iCKDMbyL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR160%2C160_&refRID=1FKM6EDF7WP8WA91YPPZ

[Brittanylovesyou]

I don't think I explained myself and my situation well enough.  But thank you for your opinons.

[RationalAdult13]

I think you're viewing the top two responses as critiques of your behavior, like you somehow are the problem here. That isn't the case, at least from my perspective. It just seems like they both feel this is not a good situation for any party involved, and I'm inclined to agree.

The fact is that the most important person in this situation is the children; not you or the boyfriend. The fact that you came to this website to ask for help is a sign that you see that as well, and that's great.

As the first two people mentioned, this girl may very well feel scared to lose her father (since her mother is not around by court order), which is why she gets so possessive of him when you're around. This is of no fault of your own, but that doesn't change the situation.

Basically, I have to agree that it seems like it would be best for everyone involved to move on, at least until the father can help his daughter with the what she's dealing with. I know you might not want to hear that, but I believe this to be the truth.

[Brittanylovesyou]

I don't think I explained myself and my situation well enough.  But thank you for your opinons.

[RockRose]

Brittany,  she does know what she's doing,  and she is doing it on purpose.

Her world is rocked.  She has no mom,  and she sees your daughter has a mom.  All she has is this dad and she's trying as hard as she can to cling to him.

I think sometimes being brutally honest will help you see this in perspective.  It's unlikely you love this child as your own,  although you are putting up a good effort to help raise her.  

I agree with SM.  It's time to move on,  and find a man who doesn't have such a complicated responsibility.

[Brittanylovesyou]

Ever since we got her I've been the mother role in her life.. I give her the same attienttion her father gives her I always have her cause her father works. He gives her all his attiention so that's why in confused. She knows what shes doing and dose it to on purpose..

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sounds like a bad mix in terms of having a relationship with this man and his child.  Really not worth putting yourself or your child or him and his child through this.  :>)  It's tremendously hard to mix families even under the best of circumstances.  And this just isn't working.  Cut your losses and look for a more peaceful situation. His kid isn't going anywhere and he loves her dearly.  

This child has had a huge loss and sadness in her life.  She's lost her mother and for a reason that you do not disclose--  but for court orders to demand rights taken away from a mother, something bad was going on.  Therefore, this is a child in crisis.  Her behavior may be over the top but deservingly so with the issues her young life has had.  Her dad really needs his full concentration to be ON his daughter.  Romancing you at this point in his life is probably not appropriate as he needs to help his daughter feel more stable and loved (as her behavior indicates she probably doesn't feel this way deep down.).  Having a girlfriend that doesn't approve of or finds his child to be a problem isn't helpful to helping his daughter heal.

so, move on and find a less complicated situation for the benefit of everyone.  That's just my opinion of course.  But it is what an outsider looking in who is not biased to either side sees as the best thing for everyone involved.  good luck