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4 year old always touches others
Hi! My son is just over 4 years old and is very "touchy, feely". He is definitely "all boy". Recently he has been getting in trouble at his school (which is a montessori school) for being aggressive, wild, and touching others, even the students are complaining about him at this point. To better clarify, his general temperment is sweet, kind and loving underneath all the behaviour stuff. He is very social and funny. He loves his friends and family A LOT as well as meeting new people and playing all the time. On the other hand, he totally lacks impulse control. He is wild much of the time (running, jumping, and making purposeful noises) and aggressive ( although i am not completely sure this is the right word). He pushes and does a lot of "super hero" moves on his friends when they are trying to work and when he is suppose to be working. It seems as though he is just wanting to have fun but doesn't know how to control himself so he asserts himself while laughing and giggling the whole time. He is rarely angry or doing this wild behaviour out of anger. He also just touches people all the time: hugging me, wrestling with daddy, "tagging" his friends, rubbing a stranger's back, hugging absolutely anyone, anytime even strangers, especially kids who are friendly to him. It is constant. I am at a loss how to curb this behaviour especially when it is not all bad. Recently, we have resorted to a philosophy of "Never touch your friends or anyone else ever"! This seems harsh though. Please Help!! Kelly
I was left wondering if he simply aquired this behavior or if he has learned it from his Family, you say wrestling with Daddy so does dady wrestle with him. seems like he is getting mixed messages and if the rest of you are also behaving in the touchy' feely way" he is bound to, if any of this could be the case I think he should learn by example.na dif you want to curb his exubrance you will have to cut out the wrestling etc
i worked with a very similar child last year. he was 4. there were many instances when he bumped into people and furniture and we thought he was being aggressive. we gradually came to realize that when he was excited, he was unaware of his position in space and did not realize he was bumping. For example, he was very excited one day and came to hug me. I did not move a muscle- he came to me. He bumped his head into my hip so hard i got a huge bruise. he looked up at me, startled, and asked why I bumped in to him.
He was also very touchy feely with his friends. He always had his hands on their shoulders. In a group, his hand always had to be on someone. he had to be on teacher's lap. your description of who your son touches and how matches this child perfectly.
this boy was also very sweet and loving. he also got wild, and could be VERY aggressive at times (knocking shelves over, throwing toys, etc...) He was a puzzle to us.
We strongly suspect that this boy had a sensory processing disorder, among other things. His parents were not on board, so we never got the evaluation. We did try some modifications that helped, which only further convinced us that he needed professional help like OT.
Your son is touching people because he has a need for sensory input. Forcing him to touch others will not suppress that need and will most likely make things worse. Often children like this will wear a weighted vest which will help. We did not have one, and since parents were not on board, we came up with our own modifications. For example, if he was getting excitable (which always escalated), i would give him a "squish." he would sit on my lap or between my legs and i would wrap my arms around him firmly for a minute or two. This seemed to calm and ground him, and he would be calm for a while. Children seeking sensory input often bump into people and things. Providing that input in an appropriate manner can help. Another thing that can help a lot is sensory play- let him play with sand, water, playdough, fingerpaints, etc... This often works wonders with some kids. If i see a child like that start to get excited or carried away, i provide these activities to give them the sensory input and it really really helps calm them.
the next thing you and the teacher should do is keep a journal and look for patterns. also helps look for specific triggers and signs. For example, by journaling i learned that this little boy was also very sensitive to smells and sounds when aggitated. While he was by far the loudest in the class, if he was in one of these states he was super sensitive to sounds and they would aggitate him further, causing the other behaviors (touching others, bumping into things, etc...) If he walked into the room and commented on subtle smells that others may not notice, i knew i HAD to get him into a sensory activity in order to avoid problems.
finally, you need to address superhero play. i am working on this with my class now. as you know, you can remove all superhero toys and shows, but once they are exposed, children continue the play. superhero play can be beneficial because it empowers children and lets them explore concepts of good and bad. it can also foster creative play. but there is a difference between appropriate superhero play and aggression. First, you should limit or cut out superhero shows. you can expose him to different heros who do not fight. Children love to be Rescue Heroes, and this play rarely leads to aggression. You should ask your child what superheros do. If his only responses are fight, kill, etc... he is obviously too young to be watching this programing. Superheros save people and you need to emphasize that aspect of it. They do not hurt their friends. They don't shoot guns. they don't kill. they do capture bad guys, but there are no bad guys at school. you need to redirect his superhero play. you can read books about other heros. there's a cute book called Superheros ABC that shows a different hero for each letter of the alphabet. after reading this you and he can come up with a new hero that he can be. this is a common problem and i am tackling it with my class right now. you can google "superhero play in preschool" for other suggestions on how to deal with it.
He was also very touchy feely with his friends. He always had his hands on their shoulders. In a group, his hand always had to be on someone. he had to be on teacher's lap. your description of who your son touches and how matches this child perfectly.
this boy was also very sweet and loving. he also got wild, and could be VERY aggressive at times (knocking shelves over, throwing toys, etc...) He was a puzzle to us.
We strongly suspect that this boy had a sensory processing disorder, among other things. His parents were not on board, so we never got the evaluation. We did try some modifications that helped, which only further convinced us that he needed professional help like OT.
Your son is touching people because he has a need for sensory input. Forcing him to touch others will not suppress that need and will most likely make things worse. Often children like this will wear a weighted vest which will help. We did not have one, and since parents were not on board, we came up with our own modifications. For example, if he was getting excitable (which always escalated), i would give him a "squish." he would sit on my lap or between my legs and i would wrap my arms around him firmly for a minute or two. This seemed to calm and ground him, and he would be calm for a while. Children seeking sensory input often bump into people and things. Providing that input in an appropriate manner can help. Another thing that can help a lot is sensory play- let him play with sand, water, playdough, fingerpaints, etc... This often works wonders with some kids. If i see a child like that start to get excited or carried away, i provide these activities to give them the sensory input and it really really helps calm them.
the next thing you and the teacher should do is keep a journal and look for patterns. also helps look for specific triggers and signs. For example, by journaling i learned that this little boy was also very sensitive to smells and sounds when aggitated. While he was by far the loudest in the class, if he was in one of these states he was super sensitive to sounds and they would aggitate him further, causing the other behaviors (touching others, bumping into things, etc...) If he walked into the room and commented on subtle smells that others may not notice, i knew i HAD to get him into a sensory activity in order to avoid problems.
finally, you need to address superhero play. i am working on this with my class now. as you know, you can remove all superhero toys and shows, but once they are exposed, children continue the play. superhero play can be beneficial because it empowers children and lets them explore concepts of good and bad. it can also foster creative play. but there is a difference between appropriate superhero play and aggression. First, you should limit or cut out superhero shows. you can expose him to different heros who do not fight. Children love to be Rescue Heroes, and this play rarely leads to aggression. You should ask your child what superheros do. If his only responses are fight, kill, etc... he is obviously too young to be watching this programing. Superheros save people and you need to emphasize that aspect of it. They do not hurt their friends. They don't shoot guns. they don't kill. they do capture bad guys, but there are no bad guys at school. you need to redirect his superhero play. you can read books about other heros. there's a cute book called Superheros ABC that shows a different hero for each letter of the alphabet. after reading this you and he can come up with a new hero that he can be. this is a common problem and i am tackling it with my class right now. you can google "superhero play in preschool" for other suggestions on how to deal with it.
I worked in public schools for many years- the term we always used was
"hands to yourself"- he will understand soon enough that the places where he hears this mantra is where he will be required to keep his "hands to himself"- If he doesn't hear it at home he will know you all can still be hugged, etc
Maybe say it before you enter church and the market place.
I remember a little boy who was a sweetie but was just sorta hyped a bit too much at school: this teacher had a bulletin board with the student's names that showed red orange and green- a clothespin would be moved after first offense up from green to orange-etc ..... it listed all the students names and she used it for all unacceptable behavior- it was a visual reminder and easy for the kiddos to see at a glance/ knew if they were getting close to going to 'red' It was so cute to watch this boy tell his momma every day- I only made it to orange- then after a few weeks- "I stayed on green all day."
hugs to you all
Sounds like a real sweetheart
"hands to yourself"- he will understand soon enough that the places where he hears this mantra is where he will be required to keep his "hands to himself"- If he doesn't hear it at home he will know you all can still be hugged, etc
Maybe say it before you enter church and the market place.
I remember a little boy who was a sweetie but was just sorta hyped a bit too much at school: this teacher had a bulletin board with the student's names that showed red orange and green- a clothespin would be moved after first offense up from green to orange-etc ..... it listed all the students names and she used it for all unacceptable behavior- it was a visual reminder and easy for the kiddos to see at a glance/ knew if they were getting close to going to 'red' It was so cute to watch this boy tell his momma every day- I only made it to orange- then after a few weeks- "I stayed on green all day."
hugs to you all
Sounds like a real sweetheart
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