4 year old wetting the bed

[Zion800]

Recently, me and my girlfriend moved in together, she has been going through a divorce in which she has 3 kids. (4 years old, 20months and 6 months respectively). Now, When I met her, the eldest (Zoe) was a sweet child. She never had any bad bed wetting problems (Maybe once a week). Me and my Girlfriend moved in together and everything kept going fine. when the eldest starting calling me her Father (Or Stepfather) we let her speak. We never corrected her. We felt she will learn it better and didn't think it would do harm. The Biological father did not like this, every second weekend she (Eldest) would come back with moods and tantrums(which she never had) and we would never hear a word of what she did on the weekend. She just refused to tell us, which was unusual because she told us everything.
We learned later that her real father started getting angry with her when she (eldest) referred to me as her "other Father". He kept correcting her and telling her that I am nothing of her.
The Eldest has started (About a week after her visit to her father and the "Other Father" story) to wet her bed at night. and during the day. We have to keep telling her to go pee.

The Psychologist has said that I am to blame and that I must move out again.
But I truely believe that the problem is not me. I always give them time with their mother. In fact. When the mother plays with one. I play with the others. Only once they are asleep do we really have time together.

I need to have an opinion on what I should do.

[ChristineMP]

It sounds as though you are on the right track. Find a supportive counselor for the children and hang in there!

[Zion800]

The Divorce Agreement states very clearly that he is allowed to see the kids every second weekend. but at the discretion of the Mother. She decides when and how he will see them.

She has started to refuse them staying over with him since the kids sleep on the floor (Tiles) at his house and its winter....He was not happy... but he stopped arguing eventually.

My mother is a Parental Nurse (Dealing with Children and Parents) as well as an Occupational Nurse. She also told me yesterday that the Psychologist is wrong... The problem is not with me. but with the Bio Dad. But she did advise me and my girlfriend to stop the oldest from calling me dad... I must be referred to by name. Reason for this being that we don't want Bio Dad to have a reason to "attack" the oldest....

Also, we decided that I must not move out. We are waiting for the Court to process the Divorce Papers before we nail him on any kind of visitation times for the kids. He has not followed the Divorce Agreement that he signed, and therefore we have been collecting evidence to stop him from mishandling the kids emotionally...

[AUSTIN431]

You speaking to him or confronting is never going to work your girlfriend needs to put her foot down it sounds like he wants her to be alone and still be able to move on with his life by controlling the kids and she can' t let him do that to her or her kids get whoever you need to involved that can help him see he's making a bad choice and he needs to change his behavior  you can still set up a court date with a family judge or stop visitation if its not a agreement with a judge i don't usually agree with not letting a parent see their child but i think your girlfriend needs to protect herself and her kids and not let him control their lives with fear and anger and you need to point out to her that if his behavior works so well to get him what he wants this time what does she think he's going to do next time she does something he doesn't like? you need to just be supportive of your girlfriend and make sure she's not alone anytime she's around him and help her do whats right for all her kids a man who will verbally abuse a 4 year old to get what he wants will do the same thing to all his kids good luck i personally don't think its a good idea to leave her alone sounds like what he wants to happen

[Zion800]

Yea... I took the liberty of telling the Bio dad that what he is doing is wrong... Yea... That didn't go over well... He wanted to beat the crap out of me...

So talking to him is out of the question...

The only reason we never confronted the oldest when she called me 'father' was because we believe she has a right to think what she likes. in the household we talk about me by name. not "dad"... so she came with that word by herself.

Me and my Girlfriend sat down... it seems like I will move out for the time being...
I am scared he does the same to the 2 year old... since she will be asking questions soon when she starts getting older... and if that happens... i will have to go kick his.. nevermind..

We cannot talk to the judge as of yet... They divorce papers are signed, but have not been through court... so technically they are still married. He already has a new gf and soon the oldest will be asking who she is...

In honesty... I would love to go to him... and beat the crap out of him before shipping him to some island with lots of "happy" Gorillas... but... I wont... that would ruin my image of being a calm, quiet, relaxed, individual....

[ChristineMP]

It isn't unusual for children to regress when under stress and that is what is happening here. Do not punish or discipline her for this...it will pass. The more attention you give it, the longer it will continue.

What she really needs is for the "adults" in her life to grow up and put her well being first. Bio Dad needs some counseling, preferably with mom so they can learn to co-parent without turning their children into pawns (or worse, weapons).

Bio Dad has a legitimate concern with his daughter calling you her other father. You are not her mother's husband (so not her step-father) and even if that does happen in the future, if he objects that strongly, it would be better for HER for you to take the high road and respect his wishes so he doesn't take his issues out on her.

I am a stepparent myself (a step-mom) and I have to tell you...it is one of the worst jobs EVER. I have all of the responsibilities of a "real" parent (okay, in the case of my stepdaughter, I have MORE responsibility than her "real" mom who doesn't have ANY) yet none of the rights or privileges. But...for the good of the child(ren) you just have to suck it up and do what is in their best interests (even when it pisses you off LOL).

[AUSTIN431]

it sounds like the father is the one who needs to be spoken too he's mentally and verbally abusing his child because she has a new father figure in her life that poor little girl must be so confused if her dad can't put his big boy pants on and realize that even if you go this time eventually there will be someone else then you and your girlfriend need to sit her down and tell her that for now just call you by your name especially around her dad and that its just a name it doesn't have anything to do with your importance in her life if your in it for life it doesn't matter what she calls you just as long as she quits getting pulled two separate ways and someone really should talk to this dad about how he's treating his little girl it is wrong to verbally abuse a child and she's so little she doesn't understand why her daddy is acting this way and treating her so bad if i was her mother i wouldn't put up with it and i would report him to their custody judge there is no reason to send that little girl over there to be treated like that by her dad maybe the judge can make him take counseling for his anger and some parenting skills divorce is hard the parents are supposed to make it easier on the kids not harder