Preschool Agression

[Mytysonjr]

My son is 4 1/2 years old and started a new Montessori preschool this fall. In his past he has had bouts of aggression, biting, hitting (at much younger age) and lasted a few months and we'd be back on track. These situations happened in a somewhat out of control daycare situation with some rowdy boys and a weak teacher (reason for leaving). My son is sensitive, shy at first and an only child. Lately he's been hitting other children out of frustration - usually one incident in a week but not every week. He's not aggressive at home but has a quick temper and has always had a little trouble keeping his hands to himself (and not just aggression - touching, teasing, tickling etc). He sometimes has trouble trying new things but will with encouragement. So this school is a big adjustment for him. The teachers are understanding but today he bit another child because they tried to take a project he was working on away from him. I'm terrified he'll be kicked out. We have implemented a reward chart with stickers for good days, no TV for bad days and started role playing for sharing and using words to teach to talk rather than hit. Prior to today the Teacher said there has been improvement but then the bite happened. It's always on Fridays, so I know he's tired. But he only goes three days a week. What else can we do before my Mike Tyson Jr. gets expelled from preschool!  Devastated Parent!

[benjimom]

My son is like that too.  He is very quick to not like people, but usually he will go back to the sitaution or person and forget about it.  My son also does not like to do "sorries". He's six.

[Mytysonjr]

Thank you all for your comments. My son does have a little issue communicating. In the short time he's been at Montessori he's gotten much better at answering questions and telling stories. It's actually remarkable. So I do believe language and communication is key. We have been role playing and I have been acting like a 4 year old taking his toys and walking him through how to handle. His teacher said she has seen improvement immediately with his ability to "ward off" potential "threats".

Triggers...as I mentioned he is sensitive. So when his feelings get hurt and when someone takes something from him are both triggers. He is still a little mad because one boy threw leaves at him on the playground. I told him he was probably just playing. He said "nope...don't like him". And...maybe he doesn't. He is making a few friends. He is active but has no attention span issues. I honestly feel like emotionally he's a little behind or young for his age. He  had terrible twos at 3  and was doing the goofy 3s at 4 and is just now getting out of that. His ability to control himself has GREATLY improved in the last year so I'm hoping he can with this as well.

[Sandman2]

  Biting is bad, but not the end of the world.  I have seen biting cases where the child was bitten because they had their hand right in front of the kids mouth as they tried to take something away from that child.  Point being - there is two sides to every story.
  More to the point - specialmom has some very good ideas.  Work on the positive.  To take TV away from a child in preschool is a waste of time.  I am glad to hear that you are being proactive, but at this age any consequence must be immediate and consistent.  First, he probably did it out of anger and that is what you need to deal with using the ideas mentioned above.  Second to punish him hours after the fact is not going to have any carryover.  Actually, at this age a rewards chart for school activities is also not very productive.  Its more important to catch him doing something good at home and reward that.
   Both of my children went to Montessori schools, and I liked the experience for them.  However, the freedom that the kids have can sometimes cause problems if the teachers are not really alert.  I would work closely with the teachers and see if they have any ideas on how they can help at school, or things that you can do at home like specialmom suggested.  Best wishes.

[benjimom]

I read somehwere a lot of kids bite when overstimulated, you mention the worst behaviors are on Fridays.

[benjimom]

I think specialmom brings up some good points and questions.  Also, I see you as taking responsibility for it, you are coming on a forum and asking other's opinions, if you did not see it as an issue, you would not do that, etc.  

My son would hit sometimes in preschool, he has sensory issues.  He was never a really bad hitter.  HE did bite once at Chick-fil-a, a mortified mother came up and told me, I felt really horrible, luckily, it did not break the skin.  I have found a lot of parents aren't very sympathetic.  But as a parent, I try to be non-judgmental toward other parents and kids, etc.  I just work on doing my best and not judging others.  Sometimes it takes all I have to do my best, esp since I have a child w/sensory issues. I know my job is harder than some and some have it worse than me!

[specialmom]

Hi.   Many kids at 4 have difficulty expressing their emotions.  They are just learning to be communicators and the easiest thing to do in a split second reaction is to throw a punch.  Ugh.  But don't panic-----------  almost every child has something to work on in the preschool years.

Couple of things come to mind.  First, how is your son's speech?  Does he articulate clearly?  Many kids do not have the words to express the emotion.  So go to the library and check out as many books on emotion as possible.  My sons described being really angry as a tornado for a long time and a bad mood was a storm cloud.  If they have the words to use, kids can slow down the reaction because they might TELL someone what is wrong before lashing out.  So work on this with your boy.  You can also role play with him---------  act really mad and frustrated about something.  Make it super exagerated and he'll probably laugh.  And then actively calm yourself so he can see you do that.  Do things that he could do to calm himself.  

So, you also need to think of some things he can use as alternatives when he is upset. Going to a cool down spot (under a table, a corner with pillows, pop up tent, bean bag chair, etc.) is a great idea.  Designate it before hand and most preschool classrooms already have a nook like this.  My son's kindergarten room had one set up for that purpose.  Some kids like to think of their own spot.  Anyway, that is an alternative as well as deep breathing, counting to 10, opening and closing fists tightly, etc.  These are things he can do instead of hitting.  And don't forget, go and talk to a teacher.

Now, he is an only child and probably your pride and joy, right?  You need to get him a bit more socialized.  At home, you and your husband play with him like a peer.  You make him share his favorite toy, take turns, let you decide what game you are playing half the time, purposely mess up his plan like another kid would, don't always let him win, etc.  Act like another 4 year old in terms of your expectations.  This will give him some practice when he really is with 4 year olds. Then, start having some one on one play dates with some kids in the class.  Keep them short---------- 1.5 to 2 hours and YOU have to supervise and help the whole time to help guide him in the social skills area.

By the way, what triggers the hitting?  Anything you see on a regular basis?  
good luck

[mooksmom]

Do NOT make excuses for your child. Whatever the cause, he has some anger management issues even at age 41/2. GEt him some professional help NOW and you can nip this in the bud. Otherwise, I promise that it will keep escalating and you will not be able to handle him when he is a hormonal teenager.

[AnnieBrooke]

Montessori might not be the school for him.  I moved my son to a Goddard School from a Montessori and it really was a much better match.