4yr old behavior problem

[JeJe1]

I have read the posts and I gotta say it's no consulation that I am not alone in the behavorial problems that I am having with my son.  My greatest fears have been realized in your posts.  My son does most of the things noted and I am at my wits end because I don't know where it's coming from or how to curtail it.  I am a single mother of a 4yr old boy that is displaying very aggressive behavior, border line violent. He is in his second pre-school setting.  The first one, I thought had issues of their own, but now the second one makes me think that everyone can't be crazy.  He has now been expelled from both.  Both mentioned the same behavior, but what is frustrating for me is neither could tell me what provoked the behavior.  I got the feeling that they assume this is how he behaves at home, he does not.  When I ask him why he acts this way when he knows he will be punished for it, and he does, he tells me because he really wanted to be with mommy.  Punishment is taking away toys, not being able to look at his DVDs, timeouts, and spanking.  None of that seems to be working. I have taken him to his pediatrician, and had him tested for anything that could be physically related, they found nothing.  Took him to program specifically designed for this only to be told that there was nothing irregular found in his evaluation.  I am not professionally qualified to dianose my son, but as a mother I think he is displaying this type of behavior because he is angry. Which concerns me even more because, really, what does a 4yr old have to be angry about.  I guess my question is, where do I go from here?  

[AnnieBrooke]

You have "constant conversations" and you think this will make an emotional reaction in a 4-year-old go away?  You're thinking like an adult, who can understand rational reasons like "mommy has to go to work."  A 4-year-old's heart only understands that he would rather be with you.  A kid's emotions are not at an adult's level.  Your question was, what does a 4-year-old have to be angry about, and I'm saying a 4-year-old cares about his mom and her attention, and not having it snatched away for an "important" [but not to him] reason.  That's all.

[JeJe1]

I'm not sure what you mean. We have constant conversations about why he has to go to school, what he does in school, who he his friends are, I go to the school early just to sit in on the classes, etc. I want him to have a positive experience so I am envolved with his school life as much as possible. When I drop him off at school I even take 20 minutes or so in the morning to sit with him until he is comfortable and tells me it's okay to leave.  I'm not sure what else I can do to let him know that mommie is just leaving to go to work and will be back to pick him up, like always, when I am done.

Note to Sandman2 - I'm open to all suggestions so I will check out the books you suggested.

Thanks to all for the suggestions.

[Sandman2]

   I will also add that at this age punishment must be immediate and consistent.  To punish him at home for what he did at school hours earlier not only will not work, it makes the matter worse!   Essentially, while he is at school - the school must deal with it!  You need to be asking them - "Well, what are you guys doing after he does something?"
   What can you do at home?  - Teach him the correct way to act.  There are several wonderful sets of books aimed at the 4 to 7year old child.  They are meant to be read aloud to the child (which is also a good bonding experience).  A good example is "Hands are not for hitting."  Which can be found here - http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775
   Also check out the other books listed below on the link I gave above.
   Another book - just for you -  "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.   It shows how to correctly use timeouts so that they will work.
   Do remember that you are trying to change a learned behavior.  It will not happen overnight.  Best wishes.

[AnnieBrooke]

What he has to be angry about is that he is 4, the age when boys bond most tightly with mommy, and she is sending him away.  That's a whole lot, at 4.  Can you do something to help with his feeling that you don't want him around you that he gets when you send him to preschool?