My 4 year old daughter is very intelligent and also very stubborn. We have been working on potty training since she was about 2 1/2 years old and only at times would have minimal success. We have tried every single tip that can be found online or in books and even suggestions from our pediatrician.
About 6 months before my daughter's 4th birthday we looked at the calendar together and I told her that when she turns 4 she will need to start wearing underwear. I told her that we can work on this any way she wants or at any time in those next 6 months. If she chose to wait until her birthday, she would just have to start wearing the underwear. She chose to wait and at first was very against the idea of wearing underwear but has since given up on complaining. It has now been 3 1/2 weeks of wearing nothing but underwear during the day, and only ONE TIME she actually peed on the potty. We are always accepting but firm with her. First we tried reminding her all the time to sit on potty or let her pee out, etc. Then we tried ignoring it, by telling her that it is her decision and responsibility to put her pee in potty and that we would stop nagging her about it.
Again, we have tried just about every suggestion out there... sticker chart, rewards, new potty, placement of potty, books for her, books for us, her being naked during the day, her changing herself and cleaning up herself, etc.
I honestly believe now that she knows when she has to pee or poop because her new routine is to shoot me a frantic look, deny that the look meant anything, and then a minute or so later go to a specific spot in our house to pee or poop in her underwear. When I see the initial look on her face, I acknowledge it and encourage her to go to the potty. I give her all the options I can think of... I will come with and hold you, you can go by yourself and we don't have to talk about it, etc, but she refuses to go to potty or toilet and cannot give me an actually reason as to why.
She has told me that 2 years ago her babysitter made her sit on the toilet by herself and she was scared that she would fall. Other than that, I cannot figure out why she would be so scared and I have tried to address this by walking her through the process by pretending she has to pee and actually putting her on the toilet to show her how the toddler seat supports her and how I can hold onto her. When she is in a less stubborn mood, she will agree to sit on the potty when we ask her to, but she will literally HOLD her pee or poop (she has admitted this!!) until she gets off and gets her underwear back on.
Only when she pees a very large amount in her underwear and we are out at a store does it bother her to be wet. There are times when she doesn't really even care or want to be changed when her underwear are wet.
She does have 2 good friends at her babysitter's house that are potty trained and that doesn't influence her at all. In fact, she told me that they used to make fun of her for still wearing diapers, but that wasn't enough encouragement either.
We have a pediatrician appointment for her at the end of this week, but I'm not convinced there is anything wrong with her psychically. Maybe we will get referred to a behavior therapist? I am just wondering if anyone has any tips or advice. This is getting very frustrating and I am at a complete loss. Thank you.