5 Year old violent and depressed

[ajohnson51381]

I am  30 year old mom who has moved back in with my mom several times. i had a son at age 25 and he is now 5 when he was a year old i thought i had met a great guy so after 6 months i allowed him to think of him as his daddy we got engaged and we were together for almost 3 years during which we had a daughter together. i know this is horrible and please feel for me when i say this. my son has lived with me and my mom since the day he was born. never moved once. i moved out for a summer or so with my ex now.. and he came to visit periodically over night but would have crying meltdowns.i started to notice that my ex was not the best father and i wanted out but couldnt because he was the only father he had ever known since his real father had never met him. we broke up last may and he hasnt seen him since. my son has deteriated considerably hes become mean and violent and even down right rude and abusive to me and his little sister who is only 2. he beats me on regularly with anything he can get his hands on and calls me and everyone names in our family. he starts kindergarten in a little over a month and i am so scared he will hurt someone else. he has seen a therapist for a very short time but couldnt still long enough to listen. he doesnt listen has a poor diet refuses to eat food unless its cut a certain way and says he hates me and feels like no one loves him, my mom blames me completely and hates me for this. says i am a terrible mother and i have completely ruined his life. i dont know what to do he is such a different boy since the break up and i dont understand it since him and his ''daddy'' were not even close at all. i am out of ideas. ive tried medicine liquid he trys to throw it up. ive tried time outs...he ignores me and throws things at me. he cant stand seeing me and my mom fight and she wants to take custody of him altogether and have me leave. i left him once in a way and i will NEVER do it again. he has punched me so hard before i fell to to the floor not able to move. my mom is completely and utterly against physical discipline as was i up until now. i dont know what to do anymore please help me i am so afraid of losing him physically and emotionally. i was diagnosed with a mental illness but they keep changing it. i am on medicine to help me cope with daily life but its still very hard i can become very angry the moment he acts up or my mom insults me and calls me a loser or worthless. i have seriously thought of ending at times but could never do that to my children. i was a very sheltered child growing up and was spoiled as can be so i never learned how to be independent. never had a license. never been married. never graduated high school, i know i sound like a complete waste of time but i am not i swear i have a good heart and i want to make things right. if anyone can help me please do. i am at my wits end. and my mom hating me and saying infront of him how she wants me gone and out of his life doesnt help matters. she even refuses to take me grocery shopping of all things until the rooms are spotless to ''her'' specifications. i hate it and i am losing my mind every day. please help!!!!

[marie5457]

Your mother sounds like a saint.  Seems like she has put up with a lot.  You really do need to get some help.  There is some good advice here, however blaming you is not going to help.  You need to understand the dynamics of your relationship with your Mom, she sounds like she is trying to help, but also may be at the end of her rope.  She probably thought at this point in life she would be having a little "me" time, and that she and your dad (is he around?) would be doing some reconnecting.  This is the perspective of a grandma, I love my grandchildren very much, but I do like them to go home so I can regenerate for the next time.  Try looking at this from your mom's perspective.  Telling a 30 year old who lives in your home that she has to have her room clean should never happen, because it should be done without her ever saying a word.  Your son has a rough road to go because of some mistakes you have made.  They are in the past, look forward and fix it.  

[Sandman2]

     Yes, he does need a lot of your time.  Its tough having a 2 year old to compete with.  One way to give him more time is to start buying a series of books that are meant to be read to kids from 4 to 7.  I would start with the "hands are not for hitting," from the Best Behavior series and then add more.  The books are quite cheap and can be found here - http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775
Make a special time at night to read the book just to him.
   I bet your mom would even buy some for you and him.
  Another book I highly recommend is  "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.   It will help you a lot with the discipline problems.  

[margypops]

I coul'n't have put it better than adgal has just written in her post .. I totally agree with every word she has written  here, your son is only 5 year old and if he is this violent he certainly needs some expert help and you really could use some parenting help .Children are born we mold and make them into what they become ., I hope you take to heart the good words spoken here and do the best for your little boy ..good luck

[adgal]

Well, I want to say something rather bluntly.  You may have been very sheltered and spoiled growing up, but you cannot use that as an excuse for anything.  I'm not sure why you mentioned that part at all. You are a mom now, and you have to do whatever it is you need to do to take care of those kids.

First off, you need to learn to be independant.  You are 30 years old.  You need to get your own place with your children. This has to be confusing for them...who is mommy?  Know what I mean?  Grandma should be grandma...visits, lots of time spent, but mommy needs to be you.  After that I would look further into therapy for your son.  It sounds like a lot has happened in his short life and I am no expert, but I am betting there are some serious abandonment issues happening here, and he is probably angry.  Real dad not part of the picture.  The man he accepted as his father no longer part of the picture.  Mom leaves him for this man which means this man was more important to mom then he was. He is angry and honestly, I can't blame him. And it sounds like now he is seeing the two women in his life (you and his mom) fighting and I'm sure that is very stressful for him.  He probably feels divided loyalties, and a little boy should not be put through that. He needs your time, your attention and your love.  You need to fight for this kid.  If he didn't do well the first time in therapy, find him another therapist.  

Stop relying on your mother and for goodness sake, skip future relationships until you have repaired the one with your child.  I think you probably could use therapy yourself.  To read your post it does come across as though you are blaming your mother and making excuses for your past behaviour. I am not judging you, Lord knows I am far from perfect and have done many things in the past I wish I hadn't.  But part of growing up is accepting responsibility for our own actions, and doing what we have to do to correct them.  

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be.  I am however being honest.  I would love to see this work out and you can do it.  It is completely up to you.  I do wish you all the best.