4yr old Challenging talkative

[TamaraLiz]

Please help. I'm out of ideas and I'm tired of the stress that the situation is causing me. Our child turned 4 on June, he is a very smart and a sweet boy. He is always asking questions and talking about everything and with everyone. He talks to people at the supermarket and he talks my ears off each day.

I love that he questions and ponders about things, in fact I encourage this analytical behavior but it is becoming a challenge. Asking him to do anything is a problem, he will not follow instructions, in fact he might as well do the opposite. Every single activity that we try to accomplish does not go without a question or a whine or an objection. I can't ask him to do anything without giving him an explanation. It is very tiring. I used to do this because I thought it was the way to go. That it would help him understand why he needs to do what we ask of him. It really doesn't work anymore, I could explain it to him and he will find logic or an argument to refute us. I have to say, I'm the exact same way in some aspects but his behavior is getting ridiculous. From eating to getting his clothes on, everything becomes a battle of power.
When I'm not too tired of dealing with him and our soon to be 2yr old daughter, I negotiate with him, give him options and let him be in control. Yet he always wants to dictate what we do. He tries to give me orders! He sends me to the fireplace which is where he gets his time-outs!

Somewhere along the line, something went wrong and now it's just tiring and almost unbearable. His teacher has sent notes that he is talking in class but no other problems. I empathize with her because I know he doesn't stop talking, I wonder how he stays quiet in class (if he ever does).

What can I try now? Any ideas that could help?
Thanks in advance~

[specialmom]

Well, my son is (more like was as things have gotten better in terms of his communication) about what was uncomfortable.  If his shirt was bugging him, he'd pull at it, fuss at it, twist it, complain, cry or even have a really unreasonable fit about it.  He was oversensitive to certain touch things called tactile defensiveness associated with sensory integration disorder.  Now, everyone has likes and dislikes and preferences.  I personally don't like to wear turtlenecks.  They make me feel uncomfortable and I'll pull at it a bit.  BUT, I can get on with things and forget about it.  A sensory kid can't.  And the degree of discomfort is another sign.  So, we all have quirks but it is when it is a huge reaction that doesn't go away and it interferes that we begin to wonder about sensory integration things,  does that help?

Here's a web site:  Sensory processing disorder
http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/tactile-defensiveness.html

Look around that site for the symptoms of sensory and see if they apply at all.  Then we'll go from there.  

[TamaraLiz]

Thanks specialmom, you bring a point I haven't considered before. He does goes to pre school. He sometimes complains about wearing jeans but once he has them on, he keeps on going. He will always pick soft clothing before anything else, maybe I should look into the matter. His favorites foods are always those that he can eat with his hands, except for pancakes and cream of wheat. Not sure if there is a correlation there.
How can I be certain if it's indeed the case? What I have read is vague to help me distinguish if there is really a problem.

[specialmom]

Hm, I wonder though if he doesn't have some sensory issues going on.  My son was very difficult when getting dressed, eating as well and it was related to sensory.  And giving choices is one of the things that is encouraged to help a child through that.  I don't think you had a bad strategy.  I just think you need to figure out why he was having such difficulty.

What I do with something like he has a favorite shirt . . .   I try to figure out why.  Is it the way it feels, fits, the right temp for him?  Then I get clothes very similar, leave the tags on until he's walking out the door in it, etc.  I have a bag of socks to return as we speak because the seams are uncomfortable to my son.  I could force him to wear these socks, sure.  BUT, he's legitimately uncomfortable in them.  So, I'll return them and find others to try.  (his favorite brand, type isn't being sold anymore around us or online. Boo. Otherwise, I just stock up on those).  Anyway, just trying to figure out if more is going on with your child and what the root cause is for his being difficult.

Does he go to preschool?

[TamaraLiz]

Thanks RockRose and Sandman2 for the feedback. :-)
I had to start saying "because mommy is asking you to" etc. and he always has something to say "oh, I didn't know" and sometimes we can move along just like that. It's just exhausting to have this little person in constant opposition because it has started to sound like a complaint after another. I don't want to eat that, watch that etc. I can't handle that. I can explain to him anything in the world but the mundane tasks of eating or getting his clothes on need to go without a struggle.
Letting him be in control worked like a charm say in the park, when it was time to leave I'd ask him if he wanted to leave in 2 min or 5 min and after those sweet extra 5, we would go without trouble. Reasoning does work with him, until he starts to reason alternatives. I guess it is upsetting for me because unless he is watching tv he is constantly talking to me and at some point in the day I'm just burned out.
ok I figured  why I get so annoyed, is when he whines and complains. Specially the complain part.

[Sandman2]

   Ya, I agree with Rockrose.  There are those things that you don't need to explain to your child.  If they start to cross the street without you, you don't want to take the time to explain why thats not a good idea.
   Check out the  "love and Logic" books by Fay and Cline.  It will give you some guidance on what you want to do.

[RockRose]

I think when you said you try to "let him be in control" it's time for you to stop having that mindset.  I do sympathize with you,  and with him - I balk at stuff all the time because there's no reason to do it or it's stupid and a waste of time.  I really need an explanation,  for example,  to compel me to wash chicken that smells fresh and I'm going to put in a 450 degree oven.  It doesn't have to be done,  the oven will kill anything growing on the chicken.  I also don't brush my Boston Terrier everyday even though the little breed book said to do that.  I think we're all told to do things that are a complete waste of time,  and useless.

So.  At some point with a child you have to say "because I said so".  Go brush your teeth,  because I said so.  Go put on your socks and shoes because I said so.  

Always giving him the power to negotiate won't help him in the long run.  

Best wishes.  I think I'd like your son.