Awareness of infants and toddlers

[Trialanderror]

This is not a question but a baffling observation.
Today my 5-year-old son was about to fall asleep then sat up again and said: "Mommy, did you know - your brother is dead." I gulped but I know my brother is alive. "When we went to Europe" he continued, "he was already dead and we put flowers in front of the RIP stone. People are dead forever until they get better. Your brother is in a nice box and when he wants the flowers, he pulls them through the soil."
Reality is that we did fly to Europe when my son was just 14 months old and my dad - not my brother - had passed away just a day before we arrived to introduce his new grandson to him. Totally unexpected, no illness. My son witnessed my heartache and the funeral and the foreign country but by no means did he speak more than about 30 words back then. During the funeral, he pushed his toy car around the chapel humming happily. People are still touched how life and death were so close together in one room.
I never spoke about these days later on with him or anyone. There are no pictures. And today, 5 years later, he summarized what he had seen as a baby. It makes me feel for all the kids who experience much worse and can not talk about it.

[Trialanderror]

It is good that you mention the things we don`t remember. It has been assumed before that situations that are too overwhelming for a child will be pushed into the unconscious zone right
away, but for sure they shape an infant`s sense of security and trust.
I had often been wondering why, in remembereance of my first 6 years, I could only think of tension and fear at home and only felt secure and free when I was with my toddler or preschooler friends. I never really bonded with my parents until age 30. At home I mainly tried to protect my older brother. My dad was a real military type tyrant. Also, I was told later that we had been raised by the sixties standards: you feed a newborn every 3 to 4 hours, don`t cuddle them, put them straight back into their crib and never give in to any crying. The theory back then was: if they get attached, they will manipulate their parents. There was no touch, no apparent love. Even in society back then, children were seen as nothing but trouble makers. Needless to say that I always had the impression that it sucks to be a child so I did not want to have children. In my mid-thirties I had overcome these thoughts, though, by forcing both of my parents to explain what went on in my childhood and I was able to put things into context and peace.
Sorry this got so long. I just wanted to point out that for sure negligence during infancy will have influence on your perception of life later on, whether you remember anything or not. And the example of a marriage my parents set has scared me off for sure. I still imagine that once you get married the husband will turn into a dictator even though I know it is not always the case.

[April2]

Actually, they know that if a baby is not held, he suffers for it. He will have issues with trust and have a hard time connecting or getting close to someone else. There's someone in our Bible study at church who adopted a little boy when he was about 4 I think. Their family really struggled with him trying to get him to trust them and learn to love. He used to hoard food even though they reassured him that he could eat any time he ever got hungry. He wouldn't allow himself to get too close to her or her husband for a long time. They had to be very patient and just love him. He especially had a hard time believing God could love him (she was a guest speaker one day and spoke on this). They did a lot of praying and just loving him, even when he couldn't return the love. He is now 19 and has just joined the military, which she thinks is the best thing for him because of the structure, etc. Growing up was very difficult on all of them. He used to have rages and throw things. They just kept loving him. Recently, she said her and her husband went out to visit him after he graduated from boot camp. She told him that she was going to be talking to her group at church about trusting God and asked him for his imput. He said basically, "Tell them if God could take a troubled kid like me and turn him around then anybody can trust him." She was stunned. She said she just cried. All their hard work, prayers, tears, love, paid off. He's turned into a fine young man. Just thought I'd share a tear jerker with you! :)

My point is though, when a child isn't held, loved and nurtured, it does affect them deeply,and can for the rest of their lives. They can have trouble establishing relationships of their own. This family intervened in a young boy's life and showed him love, even when he wasn't being very lovable. I wish everyone would get it. Jesus said love is the most important commandment. If everyone could just love each other unconditionally, we wouldn't have the wars and abuse in this world. Ah well, I guess this is my morning to be all philisophical! Time to go to church! :) Take care, all.

[mayflowers]

I just thought of something.  What about the stuff we don't remember?  How does that affect the child?  By stuff I mean not being attended to or held or read to, basically felt loved.  

This is sad to say, but I never wanted kids b/c I didn't think I had it in me to be a good mother.  This feeling had to come from somewhere.

[mayflowers]

Trialanderror, I love this topic!  I have been reading it with a lot of interest.  I don't have children but I like the child behavior forum b/c it helps me understand what ppl are dealing with.  

I would just like to ask you (and the other mom's) what they think abt ppl who have been neglected or abused as infants - say 0 to 5 yrs) and how this affects the child and most importantly, if it can be overcome.

I have very little memories of my childhood but I know we moved around alot.  My family is very dysfunctional - father a cheat, mom played victim, and us kids were left to fend for ourselves emotionally.   My father did provide for us financially - we always had food, housing, clothing but it's the psychological "security" aspect that was missing.  

Someone on another forum talked abt things being hard-wired into a person's brain.  For instance, if someone can't commit, maybe being abandoned as a child hard-wired their brain to the point where they think that committing to someone would lead to abandonment therefore if they don't commit they can't be abandoned.  

Sorry to barge in on your great question but it started me thinking that if an infant could "remember" stuff then that it makes sense that whatever they remember would affect how they deal with the world around them.  

The ladies on here are very smart and thoughtful so any insight or thoughts you could give me would be helpful.

[April2]

Sylvia Brown is a fake and a fraud. I won't even watch Montel Williams on Wednesdays because she's on then. She plays on peoples emotions. Watch her carefully sometime. She is just good at reading people. I've seen her insist to someone about something that they disagree with but she somehow will turn them around. Like for instance, one time someone said to her about a dream she kept having about someone who died in her house and was asking about it. Sylvia told her it was a woman, and the woman said no, it was a man in her dream. Another time, someone said something about an accident that her sister and brother in law (I think) were in and Sylvia started saying something about how someone hit them and the lady said no, no one had hit them, but Sylvia insisted that a car had hit them and left the scene. I don't know. Everytime I've watched her, I'm usually pretty good at reading people too, and she just seems to know exactly how to play people. Just be careful about what you believe. Investigate everything. Be shrewd and don't let anyone snow you. Just a word of advice. You can take it or leave it. I just hate to see people taken advantage of.

[Avas Mom]

*more not most