How do I tell a former lover that he may be the father of my daughter after 24 yrs?

[newadventure]

25 years ago I separated from my then husband. During that time I was with the real love of my life (L.O.M.L). And then a week later my x-husband came to fetch me (x-h). And against my better judgment I went with him and went back home with him. Shortly there after I found out that I was pregnant. Of course I wondered who the father was, but I was trying to hold this sham of a marriage together. So I told my x-h that it was his and when the L.O.M.L. asked me if it was his- with out a blink I said... I don't think so. Don't worry about it. (Oh I have failed to mention that aforementioned lover and I had a daughter together 5.5 yrs earlier) On a couple of occasions the L.O.M.L  said to me- sometimes I still wonder... but now I was so immersed in this version of the "truth" that I didn't want to investigate the possibility. After all my daughter had paternal grandparents (who I had known since I was 13) who loved her very much and we loved them. I didn't want to mess that up. And even though my x-h was no longer in the picture, the L.O.M.L. now had a wife and two kids. It wouldn't be fare to them to upset their lives as well. (And I am not sure if he was with the woman he would eventually marry at the time of our brief affair.)

But in the last 3 years things have taken a big turn. My x-h is completely out of the picture and my daughter has no contact with him at all. My in-laws and brother-n-law have all past away. Leaving no one on her father's side left to be hurt. And on my side of the family- I think it would make them all very happy (after they got over the initial shock)

But as for the L.O.M.L.- although I know he "loves" her- I don't think he loves her. And he's still married. I don't want to hurt them. It's not any of their doing. Yet the question is lingering. To complicate things more- my daughter has zero features like anyone (and I mean anyone) on her father's side. But she looks a lot (almost to the point of too much) like her sister.

How do you tell a man after all these years- a man you have a real relationship with, that you may have cheated him and possibly of knowing his daughter, of being part of her growing up? And that he may have another child- or not? My BFF agrees with me that this is a real possibility- I just have no clue as to where to begin. Anyone?

[margypops]

I am sorry you mean over to relationships , well go to the forums page and look down the list for relationships ..good luck some good folks there will have good answers

[margypops]

How do you mean change the status/category ..do you mean the forum

[supermomma531]

I would tell the truth about it. Your daughters need to know the truth. If somehow down the line, they find out, then this will be more of a problem that you'll need to deal with than just dealing with the truth. I know that they will be thankful eventually for you telling the truth and letting them get to really know their father. No one ever wants to go out of this world knowing that they could perhaps make someones life better or worse by the lies they've told. You need to sit down with this man and tell him the reasons why you've denied this and have dna testing done. And as you said medical reasons are enough. You need to do this for your own sanity. I wish you well in your life and hope and pray that you allow the truth to come out. You will rest much easier once results are known. Good luck.

[newadventure]

How do I change the status/ catigory?

[newadventure]

No my daughter has no idea. My motivation is more than just my own curiosity. There are medical reasons that could be important for her and possibly her sister if they have the same parents. If it were true- it would not change our relationship.
It's partly -for the same reasons you memtioned that I haven't moved forward on this all of these years. I guess it would be like finding out you were adopted when your an adult. IDK if I will ever move forward on this. I am just looking for some one elses insight so I'll make the right decission. This is not like buying a pair of shoes.( If you don't like them then you take them back.) This is life altering for everyone involved. Maybe your right. Maybe I should just let it go.

[jdtm]

Your daughter is 24 years old.  She is an adult.  Does she know about your infidelity?  If not, how would she react?  This should be about your daughter and her feelings - not about you or the LOYL.  I guess I adhere to the belief - if in doubt, do nothing.  Anyway, just one opinion ....

[margypops]

This really comes under relationships its not really Child Behavior ...