Aa
Innapropriate Teacher
We adopted our daughter from foster care. Her past is not pretty but it is also not her fault. She has went through more than most adults that I know. She has a lot of behaviors and most of them stem from her past. We love her and are very proud that she is our daughter.
During a teacher's meeting, while discussing my daughter's behaviors, such as, not turning in her homework after she completed it, I made a comment that, "I don't know why xxxxx does some of the things that she does". Her teacher responded with,"It really makes it hard to love her, doesn't it?" I said, "No, It is easy for me to love xxxxx". She then said, "Well you know more about her past than I do".
I don't know what kept me from going into a stupid mode. I was so angry, I knew I had to leave or things were not going to go well. I still can not get this off my mind. I can't believe this came out of a teacher's mouth. I feel like she can only love a child to the degree that they can perform. I need advice on what I should do about this situation.
During a teacher's meeting, while discussing my daughter's behaviors, such as, not turning in her homework after she completed it, I made a comment that, "I don't know why xxxxx does some of the things that she does". Her teacher responded with,"It really makes it hard to love her, doesn't it?" I said, "No, It is easy for me to love xxxxx". She then said, "Well you know more about her past than I do".
I don't know what kept me from going into a stupid mode. I was so angry, I knew I had to leave or things were not going to go well. I still can not get this off my mind. I can't believe this came out of a teacher's mouth. I feel like she can only love a child to the degree that they can perform. I need advice on what I should do about this situation.
Thank you for responding. It is nice to hear that someone that is a teacher also sees where this was wrong. It is reassuringto know that I am not over reacting.
I am a teacher that has adopted children. My younger son has been a real challenge to many of his teachers. I have been amazed at the phenomenal patience and care that my child has been given. I think your letter is right on. I would probably make a copy and give it to the principal and the school board.
I don't know what kind of resources you have where you live. Here, we have a school for students with special learning needs. It has been a Godsend to many. Homeschool can work really well for kids with special needs. . .it's not as stressful. That is not an option for us since I have to work.
Keep me informed. Good luck and God Bless.
I don't know what kind of resources you have where you live. Here, we have a school for students with special learning needs. It has been a Godsend to many. Homeschool can work really well for kids with special needs. . .it's not as stressful. That is not an option for us since I have to work.
Keep me informed. Good luck and God Bless.
Do you see anything in this letter that would have a negative impact on my daughter? I would like to hear from your point of view. Thanks
Just so you are aware - sometimes letters addressed to teachers are passed on to the principal or administration. Occasionally these letters or notes are filed in the teacher's as well as the student's record folder. In our district, a student's record folder must be kept approximately 75 years before it can be destroyed (of course, most are in digital format). This is why parents and teachers need to be very careful with the "written" word.
good for you! dont let it get to you anymore. dont think about it. i know its hard. a mother never forgets anythign. but you know your daughter and what shes worth. noone can judge that. remember that youre doing a great job!
It has taken a month in order for me to be able to write the letter in a way that maybe she will learn something and not negatively effect other children in the future. I have been reading the bible a lot and that helps me stay strong. Thanks
that was a beautiful letter. very polite and beautifully spoken . you made yourself very clear. if i was that teacher, i would feel like **** and understand exactly what you meant. good for you! your choice is great to do this the last day. and let me tell you that you sound like an outstanding mother! i respect you and honor you for not only taking to your home a child that needs more love and more care and hard work than some others, but for being positive, loving and strong. God bless you and your family
I have finally decided that I will be giving my daughters teacher a letter on the last day of school. Please give me your input. I want to leave a lasting impression on her so maybe she will change. Here goes...
Mrs. xxxxxxx,
I still remember a statement that you made at the last Teacher’s meeting. We were discussing some of xxxxx'x issues at school. You said, “It makes it hard to love her doesn’t it?” I could only respond with, “No, it doesn’t, I know where she is coming from.” You then stated, “Well, you know more about her past than I do.”
I cried on the way home for the pain that xxxxx must have been in all year. I finally understood what was going on. I am sorry that I was not aware of the situation at the beginning of the year. I would have enlightened you about what children with a past like xxxxx'x need. I do not feel that I should have to share my child’s past with you in order for you to be able to accept and love her. Since then, I have given your statement a lot of thought. I have went back and forth from anger to sadness.
I hope you realize that each child is different. Every child has a past that will forever be a part of them. Some children did not start out in a family that loved them, sometimes their basic needs might not have been met, but they still deserve to be loved just like everyone else. All children need and respond better in situations where they feel loved. Every child needs to loved.
Please do not give your love according to how a child performs. That will just make a child with an unhealthy start rebel. They have to have unconditional love in order to heal from their past. They will even do all they can do to make themselves unlovable just to prove what they learned as an infant is still true today. (Nobody loves them)
Maybe you feel that it is your job to educate children, not to love them. Maybe you feel that children only need positive attention when they perform well. But, I would like to encourage you to get educated about the emotional side of children in you are going to continue to teach. You have to be able to teach the whole child in order to make a difference in their lives.
Mrs. xxxxxxx,
I still remember a statement that you made at the last Teacher’s meeting. We were discussing some of xxxxx'x issues at school. You said, “It makes it hard to love her doesn’t it?” I could only respond with, “No, it doesn’t, I know where she is coming from.” You then stated, “Well, you know more about her past than I do.”
I cried on the way home for the pain that xxxxx must have been in all year. I finally understood what was going on. I am sorry that I was not aware of the situation at the beginning of the year. I would have enlightened you about what children with a past like xxxxx'x need. I do not feel that I should have to share my child’s past with you in order for you to be able to accept and love her. Since then, I have given your statement a lot of thought. I have went back and forth from anger to sadness.
I hope you realize that each child is different. Every child has a past that will forever be a part of them. Some children did not start out in a family that loved them, sometimes their basic needs might not have been met, but they still deserve to be loved just like everyone else. All children need and respond better in situations where they feel loved. Every child needs to loved.
Please do not give your love according to how a child performs. That will just make a child with an unhealthy start rebel. They have to have unconditional love in order to heal from their past. They will even do all they can do to make themselves unlovable just to prove what they learned as an infant is still true today. (Nobody loves them)
Maybe you feel that it is your job to educate children, not to love them. Maybe you feel that children only need positive attention when they perform well. But, I would like to encourage you to get educated about the emotional side of children in you are going to continue to teach. You have to be able to teach the whole child in order to make a difference in their lives.
LRM1021
You are right, I do not intend to have any kind of relationship with this teacher any longer than I am forced to. I do not associate with anyone this rigid. Thank you for opening my eyes.
suzi-q
My daughter is in 5th grade. You sound like a great teacher but I am sure that you have seen teachers like this one. I always wonder why they choose to be a teacher. I remember compliments that I received when I was in elementary school. A teacher can make you or break you when you are a child. Keep up the good job loving the children that you work with.
jdtm
Thank you for the information about retention. I will check into the rules of our district.
You are right, I do not intend to have any kind of relationship with this teacher any longer than I am forced to. I do not associate with anyone this rigid. Thank you for opening my eyes.
suzi-q
My daughter is in 5th grade. You sound like a great teacher but I am sure that you have seen teachers like this one. I always wonder why they choose to be a teacher. I remember compliments that I received when I was in elementary school. A teacher can make you or break you when you are a child. Keep up the good job loving the children that you work with.
jdtm
Thank you for the information about retention. I will check into the rules of our district.
Most school districts have "rules" which state that a child cannot repeat a grade without the consent of the parents. In the area in which I live, consent for retaining a child in the same class must be given until the 9th grade (then the parents are informed but no consent is required if a student misses a subject or grade). So, find out the "rules" of retention in your area in order to see if retention cannot occur without your consent. Your local school board or PTA or any school group should be able to help you. By the way, most teachers do not favour retention as research has proven (in most cases) it does more harm than good. That being said, you may need to look at some form of help for your daughter next year - perhaps a tutor.
May I ask what grade your daughter is in? I am just wondering. I am a second grade teacher...so I will answer from a teacher's perspective....
The teacher's comment was TOTALLY INAPPROPRITE! Whether she has children or not, would not be the issue. I was a teacher without a child for 18 years and am a teacher with a child for 2. Even before my daughter, I was educated enough about different psychological, domestic, or physical issues. I never judged a child by what he could or couldn't do. And even children who may be considered "less loveable" because of defiant issues, I would always find something to love. A personal feeling for a child should never interfere with educating that child. Teachers also need to remember the word "CHILD" and every child deserves the best. And those who come from a difficult situation need even more...so many teachers have such an impact on a child's life that they don't even know.
Now, after that being said, I don't think the teacher meant anything by that stupid comment. It was definitely WRONG...I am not defending this teacher...but I think she was trying to be "funny" in a way because she is frustrated. (Even though I don't and wouldn't find it funny at all!)
However, that is what we teachers get paid for....The "perfect child" doesn't need teachers, they can do it on their own. Its those of us who are "imperfect" that need someone to help, someone to educate, someone to understand, and someone with patience, and someone to love us.
I will get off my soapbox now!
The teacher's comment was TOTALLY INAPPROPRITE! Whether she has children or not, would not be the issue. I was a teacher without a child for 18 years and am a teacher with a child for 2. Even before my daughter, I was educated enough about different psychological, domestic, or physical issues. I never judged a child by what he could or couldn't do. And even children who may be considered "less loveable" because of defiant issues, I would always find something to love. A personal feeling for a child should never interfere with educating that child. Teachers also need to remember the word "CHILD" and every child deserves the best. And those who come from a difficult situation need even more...so many teachers have such an impact on a child's life that they don't even know.
Now, after that being said, I don't think the teacher meant anything by that stupid comment. It was definitely WRONG...I am not defending this teacher...but I think she was trying to be "funny" in a way because she is frustrated. (Even though I don't and wouldn't find it funny at all!)
However, that is what we teachers get paid for....The "perfect child" doesn't need teachers, they can do it on their own. Its those of us who are "imperfect" that need someone to help, someone to educate, someone to understand, and someone with patience, and someone to love us.
I will get off my soapbox now!
The best thing to do is to communicate this to the principal and perhaps the school board-- AFTER your daughter is no longer in her class, that is. You've already written "THE TEACHER" off as someone you "DO NOT " intend on having a relationship with, so trying to give her a piece of your mind is not really doing much-- it implies that you are trying to get her to change her mind, which would imply some attempt at an ongoing relationship--- you see my point there I think.
Sorry - I typed wrong. I should not stay up so late.
Sorry - I typed wrong. I should not stay up so late.
You are dead on right --- this person should not be your daughter's teacher. I am sure that teachers have certain students that they really just can't stand being around-- but part of being a teacher is not ever, ever expressing this feeling -- and to express it to parent? My goodness, what a ridiculous thing to say.
However, you should not waste your time trying to educate her how to speak or behave or whatever. Just figure out what you need to do for your daughter so that she gets the attention she needs and is in a school that can help, not hurt her. Having ODD is tough--- and it will take a LOT of time and patience for you and her and those who are with her to get her through this. You are right to make sure that the people who are entrusted with her care are appropriately qualified.
The best thing to do is to communicate this to the principal and perhaps the school board-- AFTER your daughter is no longer in her class, that is. You've already written her off as someone you intend on having a relationship with, so trying to give her a piece of your mind is not really doing much-- it implies that you are trying to get her to change her mind, which would imply some attempt at an ongoing relationship--- you see my point there I think.
However, you should not waste your time trying to educate her how to speak or behave or whatever. Just figure out what you need to do for your daughter so that she gets the attention she needs and is in a school that can help, not hurt her. Having ODD is tough--- and it will take a LOT of time and patience for you and her and those who are with her to get her through this. You are right to make sure that the people who are entrusted with her care are appropriately qualified.
The best thing to do is to communicate this to the principal and perhaps the school board-- AFTER your daughter is no longer in her class, that is. You've already written her off as someone you intend on having a relationship with, so trying to give her a piece of your mind is not really doing much-- it implies that you are trying to get her to change her mind, which would imply some attempt at an ongoing relationship--- you see my point there I think.
RockRose
My daughter is at risk of flunking this grade and I have already been informed by the teacher and the principal that if she remains in this grade, she will have the same teacher again. This was before the teacher made this statement. My daughter is Oppositonal Defiant, so she has done all she can not to comply for this teacher. She has done her homework at home and never turned it in. She will take test at school and just mark anything. I really had no idea what the problem was until her teacher made this statement. I will not allow her to repeat this grade with the same teacher. If she flunks, she will be going to a different school. I just want to say the right thing to this teacher so she will wake up and realize that she has a real problem that is probaly affecting a lot of children. I want to educate her more than I want her to get into trouble. I can only guess how she was probaly raised.
g8r grl
This woman does actually have 2 children. They both walk around like perfect little girls that are afraid to make a mistake. I have a feeling that this is a deep rooted family issue. I feel sorry for all of them. I am usually good about confrontation but this is such an emotional issue, it is hard for me to go there. I just want to ask, "Do you really think it is appropriate to decide who deserves your love by their performance? Don't all children deserve to be loved, regardless of their past?"
My daughter is at risk of flunking this grade and I have already been informed by the teacher and the principal that if she remains in this grade, she will have the same teacher again. This was before the teacher made this statement. My daughter is Oppositonal Defiant, so she has done all she can not to comply for this teacher. She has done her homework at home and never turned it in. She will take test at school and just mark anything. I really had no idea what the problem was until her teacher made this statement. I will not allow her to repeat this grade with the same teacher. If she flunks, she will be going to a different school. I just want to say the right thing to this teacher so she will wake up and realize that she has a real problem that is probaly affecting a lot of children. I want to educate her more than I want her to get into trouble. I can only guess how she was probaly raised.
g8r grl
This woman does actually have 2 children. They both walk around like perfect little girls that are afraid to make a mistake. I have a feeling that this is a deep rooted family issue. I feel sorry for all of them. I am usually good about confrontation but this is such an emotional issue, it is hard for me to go there. I just want to ask, "Do you really think it is appropriate to decide who deserves your love by their performance? Don't all children deserve to be loved, regardless of their past?"
I'm willing to bet that this teacher does not have children of her own...am I right? One day, she'll look back and remember her comments to you about your daughter...and she'll feel like an idiot.
I have only been a parent for 21 months, but it's really changed my outlook and perspective on life. It's changed the way that I see kids...especially kids with disabilities. Even in my teens and early 20s, I couldn't get used to being around people who have disabilities. Well, now it's my profession and I'm down right perfectly comfortable with it, but it was different when I wasn't a mom. Now I realize that every child is some parent's "Kenny" (that's my kiddo). How I feel about my son is how someone else feels about this child. Life doesn't start until you're a mom..simply stated. I look back on my life before my son and wonder what the heck I did all of the time?! Now I get annoyed with non-parents who get stressed out about ridiculous things...like they have to go grocery shopping or they have two places to go over the weekend. Give me a break! Come live in my house for a day...
Anyways...I went on a tangent...sorry :) That teacher is probably not a parent..and if she is, then I feel sorry for her kids. You could tell the principal what she said and it will be brought to her attention...I'm sure of it. Then, it's in Karma's hands :)
I have only been a parent for 21 months, but it's really changed my outlook and perspective on life. It's changed the way that I see kids...especially kids with disabilities. Even in my teens and early 20s, I couldn't get used to being around people who have disabilities. Well, now it's my profession and I'm down right perfectly comfortable with it, but it was different when I wasn't a mom. Now I realize that every child is some parent's "Kenny" (that's my kiddo). How I feel about my son is how someone else feels about this child. Life doesn't start until you're a mom..simply stated. I look back on my life before my son and wonder what the heck I did all of the time?! Now I get annoyed with non-parents who get stressed out about ridiculous things...like they have to go grocery shopping or they have two places to go over the weekend. Give me a break! Come live in my house for a day...
Anyways...I went on a tangent...sorry :) That teacher is probably not a parent..and if she is, then I feel sorry for her kids. You could tell the principal what she said and it will be brought to her attention...I'm sure of it. Then, it's in Karma's hands :)
*glances at watch* Goodness, look at the time!! It's mid-April, and thankfully your daughter will be out of this woman's class in 6 weeks.
I think you should write a letter to the principal. From your board name, it sounds like you have other children, so you know how to do this.
If the school is a good school, and on balance you've been happy, you can just write that to the principal and phrase it in terms of being "dismayed that this teacher seemed to confuse a child's loveability with school performance", "seemed to not have a basic understanding of a mother's feelings for her child". And then close with there are such great teachers at this school, I would like next year to find her in a classroom with a teacher who understands the heart of a child, and doesn't make such clumsy, cruel statements to parents. You know how to write that kind of a letter.
And what kept you from going into "stupid mode"? You're mature, and not an idiot. You did the right thing.
I think you should write a letter to the principal. From your board name, it sounds like you have other children, so you know how to do this.
If the school is a good school, and on balance you've been happy, you can just write that to the principal and phrase it in terms of being "dismayed that this teacher seemed to confuse a child's loveability with school performance", "seemed to not have a basic understanding of a mother's feelings for her child". And then close with there are such great teachers at this school, I would like next year to find her in a classroom with a teacher who understands the heart of a child, and doesn't make such clumsy, cruel statements to parents. You know how to write that kind of a letter.
And what kept you from going into "stupid mode"? You're mature, and not an idiot. You did the right thing.
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