Aa
Is my 4 year old son CRAZY and destroying our family
Dear MEDHELP,
I am desperate and we overwhelmed. We need help. We have a four year old son whose uncontrollable rages, inpredictability, rigidity and hostility is killing my marriage and my other two, normal, well adjusted, sweet kids. My son is a miserable, miserable child. He wakes up crying, he pushes away all food at meal time. He is an insufferable human being. He seems to hate life and ends and begins the day this way. We are a happy, well liked family - we don't not know where or how he became this way.
He may fly into a rage over the way his toast is cut, a certain juice, a shirt. i.e.. If it is time to read a book and shut the tv off. My other two may say, "Oh mom, a few more minutes please." And when they realize no is no, they will do as I say. The other one has no fear, there is no amount of normal discipline in the world to break him; timeouts, spanks, no spanks, speaking, etc., that he cares about or comprehends. I read books about putting them in timeouts. He will not stay in a timeout. He bites, hisses, spits, growls - and we had to get a skeleton key to lock the door. I am broken inside. I feel horrific doing this and would pass poor judgement on any other mother I had heard would do so, prior to having our son. When he gets upset, his legs involuntary shake and bounce and it is so sad to watch. He gets himself so upset, his nervous system goes haywire.
His rages last for 50 minutes. He screams so loud and with such craziness, it sounds like his toenails are being pulled out one by one.
We are so worried for him, his future, his happiness - He feels bad inside. I know he does. We don't know what we can do to help. Child psyche said possibly ODD/ADD (hyperfocus cannot transition) Another thought Tourette's and we also spent a fortune sending him for an OT evaluation. They did find Sensory Disorder issues were prevelant.
At this point, we're involving the town and the two reports, but what really are my options. Will we be tortured our entire lives by this behavior. Will we feel awful that we all chose to leave our son home to go on vacation because we don't know if he'll throw an insane fit of rage on the plane for no apparent reason....
There is some history of mental illness in my family - but nothing as extraordinary as this.
I am so afraid he has bipolar. So deely afraid the way he triggers us to respond as parents, which is enraged, overwhelmed and so disgusted, will further hurt his self esteem.
The trick to this, and you'll be shocked, is he is very well-behaved at school. So, I have a Jeckyll and Hyde situation.
So - everyone thinks we're crazy. My family didn't see it so much either, until we spent the summer together and they caught a glimpse of what we go thru and felt horribly for us.
What medicines are out there? What is this, a mood disorder, a sensory intergration. Please help me. What can we do? Medication, therapy anything new? Any information you can give?
I am desperate and we overwhelmed. We need help. We have a four year old son whose uncontrollable rages, inpredictability, rigidity and hostility is killing my marriage and my other two, normal, well adjusted, sweet kids. My son is a miserable, miserable child. He wakes up crying, he pushes away all food at meal time. He is an insufferable human being. He seems to hate life and ends and begins the day this way. We are a happy, well liked family - we don't not know where or how he became this way.
He may fly into a rage over the way his toast is cut, a certain juice, a shirt. i.e.. If it is time to read a book and shut the tv off. My other two may say, "Oh mom, a few more minutes please." And when they realize no is no, they will do as I say. The other one has no fear, there is no amount of normal discipline in the world to break him; timeouts, spanks, no spanks, speaking, etc., that he cares about or comprehends. I read books about putting them in timeouts. He will not stay in a timeout. He bites, hisses, spits, growls - and we had to get a skeleton key to lock the door. I am broken inside. I feel horrific doing this and would pass poor judgement on any other mother I had heard would do so, prior to having our son. When he gets upset, his legs involuntary shake and bounce and it is so sad to watch. He gets himself so upset, his nervous system goes haywire.
His rages last for 50 minutes. He screams so loud and with such craziness, it sounds like his toenails are being pulled out one by one.
We are so worried for him, his future, his happiness - He feels bad inside. I know he does. We don't know what we can do to help. Child psyche said possibly ODD/ADD (hyperfocus cannot transition) Another thought Tourette's and we also spent a fortune sending him for an OT evaluation. They did find Sensory Disorder issues were prevelant.
At this point, we're involving the town and the two reports, but what really are my options. Will we be tortured our entire lives by this behavior. Will we feel awful that we all chose to leave our son home to go on vacation because we don't know if he'll throw an insane fit of rage on the plane for no apparent reason....
There is some history of mental illness in my family - but nothing as extraordinary as this.
I am so afraid he has bipolar. So deely afraid the way he triggers us to respond as parents, which is enraged, overwhelmed and so disgusted, will further hurt his self esteem.
The trick to this, and you'll be shocked, is he is very well-behaved at school. So, I have a Jeckyll and Hyde situation.
So - everyone thinks we're crazy. My family didn't see it so much either, until we spent the summer together and they caught a glimpse of what we go thru and felt horribly for us.
What medicines are out there? What is this, a mood disorder, a sensory intergration. Please help me. What can we do? Medication, therapy anything new? Any information you can give?
I too have a spirited 4 yr old. She's the youngest of 2. She's had a mind of her own since I was pg with her - I won't get into that right now. I wouldn't say she's bad, but I have to keep my thumb on her all the time. It's a constant struggle to redirect her behavior. I have a Master's degree in Play Therapy and honestly it has taken 100% of everything I've got to keep her on track and there are still days that I feel I'm losing ground. Now at school she's a dream. She's VERY smart - and tests about 5.5 yrs old at 4. But, at home she's got a temper. If you tell her no, chances are you'll get alot of back talk and a temper tantrum. She will cut up and destroy things of her sisters. She is intensely jealous of her older sister who is 7. She tries to boss her around and if she doesn't do as she commands she'll start to scream at her, destroy her things, you name it.
Before this child if I'd read your story I too would have thought or suspected something was going on at home. But, you are right that is not always the case. Some children just have a skewed perception of what's going on around them. They just see things differently and react to it. That's my belief anyway based on my daughter.
I'll share what I suspect is going on with her. I don't have it all figured out, but perhaps my insights will give you some things to explore. I think smart kids who are younger in the family sometimes get VERY frustrated by not being able to do what the older children do. One many levels they may be smarter, but due to their age they can't do all the things the other does and they don't understand it and can't verbalize it. They don't understand when the others play sports and they don't that its because they aren't at that age yet, so they interpret that to mean that the other sibling is better or loved more. They can't express that feeling so they get angry. As other things happen they use that info to support this misguided notion and the cycle continues.
So here's what I'm doing. I deal with each child differently. I do not try to make things equal - in fact I avoid it cause you can never win in these endeavors. I started a "Success Chart" where she earns stickers for the things she does good during the day. For things like - dresses self (we were having daily struggles with this) - using nice words - putting things away. Put things on there she can do easily and some that are challenging. Don't get caught up with perfection - your goal is to find ways to reward good things. She LOVES having something that is her own. We are also going to start Dance and activities she is old enough for so she has other things that are just hers.
The hardest part is controlling my own frustration. I know this sounds simple, but when I was in school we would often video tape ourselves while we were counseling to watch how we reacted to the other person. You'd be surprised what you communicate in your voice, tone, and body language. If you are mad or annoyed, and you aren't working diligently to mask it, your child will see that. Now my girl is a master manipulator - when she wants attention and to be engaged she will seek it the fastest way, and lets face it - you get noticed much faster when you are naughty. She will try to pull you into a fight or power struggle so that she can win it. DO NOT TAKE THIS BAIT. Alot of her bad behavior is nothing more than wanting attention - undivided attention. And lets face it when someone is acting bad you pay attention to that person and the children disappear. So what I started do is saying - if you're going to act like that - you need to do it in your room. She can scream and pitch a fit all she wants, but its in her room and I continue what I'm doing. I do not raise my voice, I go monotone in a robot type mode. If she doesn't go to her room ( and the first several times she didn't) I would calmly pick her up and carry her in there. We've talked about healthy ways to show anger - I've given her options on things she can beat up with angry - like her pillow or stuffed animals. If she makes a good choice when angry she gets a sticker. When I stopped letting her see I was annoyed it would diffuse her tantrum. Next time one starts you might want to video tape what you do and how you sound just so you can look at what you do or your spouse does. You have to become and model what you want her do. If you get angry, it's like throwing gas on a fire. If you are too mad, put them in their room and take a break for yourself.
It's not easy parenting a child that is out of the norm. I am still finding my way. There are days that I wonder what will happen. Just don't give up. I don't know if you're christian, but a book that really helped me is the "Power of the Praying Parent" by Stormie O'Martian. We can win and we can raise these children to be happy.. it won't be easy, but I will succeed.
Take Care,
Melissa
Before this child if I'd read your story I too would have thought or suspected something was going on at home. But, you are right that is not always the case. Some children just have a skewed perception of what's going on around them. They just see things differently and react to it. That's my belief anyway based on my daughter.
I'll share what I suspect is going on with her. I don't have it all figured out, but perhaps my insights will give you some things to explore. I think smart kids who are younger in the family sometimes get VERY frustrated by not being able to do what the older children do. One many levels they may be smarter, but due to their age they can't do all the things the other does and they don't understand it and can't verbalize it. They don't understand when the others play sports and they don't that its because they aren't at that age yet, so they interpret that to mean that the other sibling is better or loved more. They can't express that feeling so they get angry. As other things happen they use that info to support this misguided notion and the cycle continues.
So here's what I'm doing. I deal with each child differently. I do not try to make things equal - in fact I avoid it cause you can never win in these endeavors. I started a "Success Chart" where she earns stickers for the things she does good during the day. For things like - dresses self (we were having daily struggles with this) - using nice words - putting things away. Put things on there she can do easily and some that are challenging. Don't get caught up with perfection - your goal is to find ways to reward good things. She LOVES having something that is her own. We are also going to start Dance and activities she is old enough for so she has other things that are just hers.
The hardest part is controlling my own frustration. I know this sounds simple, but when I was in school we would often video tape ourselves while we were counseling to watch how we reacted to the other person. You'd be surprised what you communicate in your voice, tone, and body language. If you are mad or annoyed, and you aren't working diligently to mask it, your child will see that. Now my girl is a master manipulator - when she wants attention and to be engaged she will seek it the fastest way, and lets face it - you get noticed much faster when you are naughty. She will try to pull you into a fight or power struggle so that she can win it. DO NOT TAKE THIS BAIT. Alot of her bad behavior is nothing more than wanting attention - undivided attention. And lets face it when someone is acting bad you pay attention to that person and the children disappear. So what I started do is saying - if you're going to act like that - you need to do it in your room. She can scream and pitch a fit all she wants, but its in her room and I continue what I'm doing. I do not raise my voice, I go monotone in a robot type mode. If she doesn't go to her room ( and the first several times she didn't) I would calmly pick her up and carry her in there. We've talked about healthy ways to show anger - I've given her options on things she can beat up with angry - like her pillow or stuffed animals. If she makes a good choice when angry she gets a sticker. When I stopped letting her see I was annoyed it would diffuse her tantrum. Next time one starts you might want to video tape what you do and how you sound just so you can look at what you do or your spouse does. You have to become and model what you want her do. If you get angry, it's like throwing gas on a fire. If you are too mad, put them in their room and take a break for yourself.
It's not easy parenting a child that is out of the norm. I am still finding my way. There are days that I wonder what will happen. Just don't give up. I don't know if you're christian, but a book that really helped me is the "Power of the Praying Parent" by Stormie O'Martian. We can win and we can raise these children to be happy.. it won't be easy, but I will succeed.
Take Care,
Melissa
Well I was not pointing the finger, I was suggesting that you look at all your options. Lois1972 recommends very structured home life- thats all I was saying. Also I come from a family that was remarried and blended and it affected all of us in a negative way. I cant imagine ever using the phrase
"Is my 4 year old son CRAZY and destroying our family" about my child, and keep in mind that when you speak like that, maybe someone who merely reading it would question other aspects of your life.
"Is my 4 year old son CRAZY and destroying our family" about my child, and keep in mind that when you speak like that, maybe someone who merely reading it would question other aspects of your life.
Lois, my son is now 15 and was diagnosed with Turettes/OCD/ADHD.
At one point we had him on 4 different medications, including risperdol. I have been through the crazy frustrating times, to hyper focus, the awful times of trying to get him to look at me so I can see if he can understand what I am saying, the screaming and mean words.... as frustrating as all of this was, the docs said he was considered having the trifecta of problems. I found later after medicating him for years, that the meds for the adhd aggravated the OCD, which the meds for OCD aggravated the Turrettes, and the meds for that, aggravated the ADHD.
Later on, I found the answer.
I took him off of everything, and simply got very strict. I scheduled everything, only said things once, (turn of the TV at 8 sharp, if it wasn’t off I turned it off and he didn’t watch TV the next day....) and I gave him very specific boundaries. This has helped immensely, it was hardest on me, because I had to be the guide for the lines all the time. Now he is doing well in school, has friends, no need of medication, simply management of his own personal weaknesses and glorification of his own personal strengths. No kid comes out of a cookie cutter, and the never should. Meds tend to make them more manageable, but from personal experience, manageable doesn’t mean easier or better. Try managing it with boundaries.... and rewards and clearly defined (On a wall or poster) responsibilities, schedules and punishments. Get strict, and don’t put up with the freak-outs or the bad attitudes. If you have to listen to him scream for days and days and weeks and months, because he is sitting in a corner having to write his abcs 100 times, then deal with it, (my son has excellent penmanship and is also well adjusted and understands boundaries very clearly). Your boy understands boundaries at school, so he certainly has the capacity/ability to adhere to boundaries. He has simply figured out how to get around them at home with a well placed scream or whine or mean word…. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but meds/syndromes and disorders are handed out so freely these days that the fundamentals tend to be forgotten. Meds make it easier on the parent, not the kid, the meds don’t teach the kid how to deal with their own personal struggles, and I don’t know a single adult or kid that doesn’t have their own individual personal struggles.
Something to consider might be allergies. By the sound of it, food allergies could be ruled out if he is fine at school but has melt downs at home. There are many things people can be allergic to that are common household items. Allergies maybe? Maybe not... but if you can rule them out, it might be another step towards finding the answer. Think hard about the last five years. Have you taken vactions? If so, is he more relaxed on the vacations but returns to throwing tantrums when back home? Is he more mellow when he's outside or at the park? Does he have meltdowns while at the store or out at restaurants or is it primarily at home? Do you have pets? I know you said it has happened at your father-in-law's home. Does he have pets? Does it happen at other realtives' houses or friends' houses? It would be nice find that his outbursts are just emotional responses to allergic reactions but that would be too easy. But if you can find a pattern of locations that seem to be frequent places of the outbursts and think of other common places he goes (school) where he seems completely normal and at ease.... maybe it is that simple. Have you lived in the same house since he was born? Do you have an air purifier in your house? It sounds like it's a year round nightmare for you but do you recall different seasons where it happens less... or more? Keep a journal of what happens, when/what time it happens, where it happens and what you think triggered it. Patterns are usually a big piece of the puzzle. This does not mean you will find an answer but it might at least help you find the best ways to help your son deal with it. It sounds like you have a pretty good idea as to certain things that you know will trigger outbursts, so that is one pattern to start with as far as avoidance in an attempt to lessen the number of meltdowns. And definitely follow SpecialMom's excellent advice. Look into occupational therapy. Cut and paste the below link to see some interesting allergic reactions in children. I am not an allergist or doctor of any kind. I just know what I've seen with my own eyes and the results that can happen for some children with allergies. My prayers are with your family and son.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRDpcWZUEiU&feature=PlayList&p=01E482D95A23A642&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRDpcWZUEiU&feature=PlayList&p=01E482D95A23A642&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=5
Hi Specialmom, Thanks so much for the info and it is defiantly something I will be looking into.. I just want to get him the help he needs now so when he grows into a young man he can coupe a little better with himself and the emotions going on.. Life is hard enough don't want him to have an extra burden or obstacle and if he does I want to give him the tools to go around it, over it, or under it.. Any info you can give would be most helpful to me an my family..
I am glad your son is doing well and hope my son will get the help he needs..
To RachelVaughn,, What you said is so not true.. We have a very loving home and have been married for 5 years with 2 other children that do NOT have any problems.. and this is not a "HOME" problem but is linked to something else WHY he can go to school and function normal is beyond us BUT I can assure you just because a kid acts out it is NOT always related to the parent's or the home behavior... So please be a little thoughtful before pointing the finger.. We are NOT to blame we love our son beyond measure and we have an amazing home life... God has blessed me with a boy who has some needs and I know he will provide the tools...
I am glad your son is doing well and hope my son will get the help he needs..
To RachelVaughn,, What you said is so not true.. We have a very loving home and have been married for 5 years with 2 other children that do NOT have any problems.. and this is not a "HOME" problem but is linked to something else WHY he can go to school and function normal is beyond us BUT I can assure you just because a kid acts out it is NOT always related to the parent's or the home behavior... So please be a little thoughtful before pointing the finger.. We are NOT to blame we love our son beyond measure and we have an amazing home life... God has blessed me with a boy who has some needs and I know he will provide the tools...
1 Comments
Has your son grown out of that phase or what did you do to make things better.Your story sounds like my 5 year old. I have 5 kids and are so good. I know there's something wrong because this isn't normal. The counselor said inner ear problems but I think it's so much more.
Hi, I wanted to respond to your heart felt post. It is so hard to parent a child with struggles. I've done my share of crying, praying and feeling hopeless. You sound very caring about what your child is going through. It is hard on us to live through such distress but so much harder for the child. Please don't give up and try to be hopeful. They can really help kids now.
I've told a million people at this point, but my son has something called sensory integration disorder. He is a sensory seeker and has tactile defensiveness and some motor planning issues. All of these things resulted in some very rocky times. Sensory can look like ADD and ODD but is treated differently (medication will not help it). We do occupational therapy which is like play therapy. My son loves it and it directly affects his nervous system in a posative way. We do lots of activities at home each and every day. Like I said, most of it is play and he loves it as does his little brother that I just have play along with him. (good for all kids, right?) My son was diagnosed by an occupational therapist at 4 that specialized in sensory integration disorder (after being evaluated by a therapist in his preschool) and has done therapy once a week since that time. He is now almost 6 years old and I just can't tell you how much better he is doing. He functions very well in a classroom and is so much easier to handle on at home. I tell you this to offer hope--- we worked at it and found the right formula for him and he responded to it well.
Whether your son has ADD/ADHD, ODD, sensory integration/processing disorder, a mental health/ psychiatric issue or is just a child with a very difficult temperment---- it will be helpful to find out. Then you can work on the plan to start helping him. Just my thoughts here. Worrying about labels doesn't help him (and by the way, all labels are completely confidential in the school system. BY LAW, they can not discuss what a diagnosis is with anyone but the IEP team involved. Even if a child requires a classroom aide to help him, the aide will not identify which child they are there for and will help all the kids as well to keep confidentiallity in tact. Obviously if a child has a physical ailment, that becomes more clear----- but kids like my son and yours would be harder to detect.) and actually gives those who deal with him an answer as to why he acts as he does. We've always had kind teachers that worked with my son and I think it is when a parent denies a problem and resists it that there becomes such big issues with teachers. ADD is over diagnosed FOR SURE----- and there are crumby teachers out there. But your son by your description can use some help.
What I like about occupational therapists and if my son had ADD with some sensory (which is not uncommon)--- I would still see one. They help problem solve with me on issues that my son has. We had problems with sleep for a while. Our OT worked to overcome this (IE: got a weighted blanket, did relaxing exercises before bed, etc.). My son can be very volatile---- we've worked on this and came up with strategies my son and I can use to help it. Insurance can cover this. I have lots of ideas from our ot that have helped us with behavior to if you'd be interested.
I've gotten used to judgemental people making comments. But I just try to take myself out of it and try to be protective of my child. It helps him to know if he has a bad moment/meltdown that we have to step outside. Then either he calms down on his own or I go with him and help him calm down. Then less people are involved. He's almost 6 and that works for us.
Anyway, sorry for the long post but you seem like you'd really like to help your son. I've been there and just wanted to offer some words of encouragement. Things can and will get better!! Good luck.
I've told a million people at this point, but my son has something called sensory integration disorder. He is a sensory seeker and has tactile defensiveness and some motor planning issues. All of these things resulted in some very rocky times. Sensory can look like ADD and ODD but is treated differently (medication will not help it). We do occupational therapy which is like play therapy. My son loves it and it directly affects his nervous system in a posative way. We do lots of activities at home each and every day. Like I said, most of it is play and he loves it as does his little brother that I just have play along with him. (good for all kids, right?) My son was diagnosed by an occupational therapist at 4 that specialized in sensory integration disorder (after being evaluated by a therapist in his preschool) and has done therapy once a week since that time. He is now almost 6 years old and I just can't tell you how much better he is doing. He functions very well in a classroom and is so much easier to handle on at home. I tell you this to offer hope--- we worked at it and found the right formula for him and he responded to it well.
Whether your son has ADD/ADHD, ODD, sensory integration/processing disorder, a mental health/ psychiatric issue or is just a child with a very difficult temperment---- it will be helpful to find out. Then you can work on the plan to start helping him. Just my thoughts here. Worrying about labels doesn't help him (and by the way, all labels are completely confidential in the school system. BY LAW, they can not discuss what a diagnosis is with anyone but the IEP team involved. Even if a child requires a classroom aide to help him, the aide will not identify which child they are there for and will help all the kids as well to keep confidentiallity in tact. Obviously if a child has a physical ailment, that becomes more clear----- but kids like my son and yours would be harder to detect.) and actually gives those who deal with him an answer as to why he acts as he does. We've always had kind teachers that worked with my son and I think it is when a parent denies a problem and resists it that there becomes such big issues with teachers. ADD is over diagnosed FOR SURE----- and there are crumby teachers out there. But your son by your description can use some help.
What I like about occupational therapists and if my son had ADD with some sensory (which is not uncommon)--- I would still see one. They help problem solve with me on issues that my son has. We had problems with sleep for a while. Our OT worked to overcome this (IE: got a weighted blanket, did relaxing exercises before bed, etc.). My son can be very volatile---- we've worked on this and came up with strategies my son and I can use to help it. Insurance can cover this. I have lots of ideas from our ot that have helped us with behavior to if you'd be interested.
I've gotten used to judgemental people making comments. But I just try to take myself out of it and try to be protective of my child. It helps him to know if he has a bad moment/meltdown that we have to step outside. Then either he calms down on his own or I go with him and help him calm down. Then less people are involved. He's almost 6 and that works for us.
Anyway, sorry for the long post but you seem like you'd really like to help your son. I've been there and just wanted to offer some words of encouragement. Things can and will get better!! Good luck.
You are reading content posted in the Child Behavior Community
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Is a gluten-free diet right for you?
We answer your top questions about the flu vaccine.
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
Healing home remedies for common ailments
