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Kindergarten and the Principle
I have a five year old almost six in October and he started kindergarten last week, the first day of school went well and so were the next two days. Then this past Monday he was telling his teacher no and biting other students so off to the principle he went, Tuesday I get a phone call right when school is suppose to start that he had hit another student while on the playground before school, so I was asked to come talk with my son and the principle. Today I pick him up and in his notes from the teacher she tells me that he pinched another student.......... I'm at my wits end with his acting out he's never been this constant with acting out. I've taken away the electronics he sits in a time out till he tells me why he did what he did I re-enforce that hitting and touching and talking back are all wrong, What else can I do to get through to him the severity of his actions and the school will suspend him if he keeps up......... Feeling defeated
COMMUNITY LEADER
Um, there is a big difference between copying sentences and writing sentences. I think Marks idea would be a good one for an older child. But as you said, your son has said he doesn't know why he is hitting.
The standards for behavioral modification for your kids is pretty easy. Be immediate and be constant. Doing something once he comes home (at this age) as you have found out is not usually successful. In fact, as a retired principal, I normally feel it is the schools responsibility to deal with the situation because of the immediacy of the action.
What you can do is to work on and practice with him alternatives to hitting. There are some great books that are aimed at kids of this age.
"Hands are not for Hitting" http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775
"Cool down and work through Anger" http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along%C2%AE/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=0B4W643Q6ZMYXQHH5G6B
And others listed on this Amazon site. These are meant to be read to him and then practiced again and again. They also help to develop a common vocabulary that he and his teacher can use.
Hope this helps.
The standards for behavioral modification for your kids is pretty easy. Be immediate and be constant. Doing something once he comes home (at this age) as you have found out is not usually successful. In fact, as a retired principal, I normally feel it is the schools responsibility to deal with the situation because of the immediacy of the action.
What you can do is to work on and practice with him alternatives to hitting. There are some great books that are aimed at kids of this age.
"Hands are not for Hitting" http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775
"Cool down and work through Anger" http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along%C2%AE/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=0B4W643Q6ZMYXQHH5G6B
And others listed on this Amazon site. These are meant to be read to him and then practiced again and again. They also help to develop a common vocabulary that he and his teacher can use.
Hope this helps.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, I was going to add that Rockroses idea of going to school and watching him is an excellent idea! You really need more info. Is all the hitting being done on the playground? You said, I think, that he is consistently not listening or sitting still. While this is kind of common for a 5 year old. It sounds like he is much worse then the other kids in the room? Do you notice him having this problem at home? Another reason to check out the classroom is to make sure that the teacher is not unusually strict. A good kindergarten teacher never has the kids in one spot very long. They are always moving around. Especially at the start of the year.
And as I asked earlier - does he have any older brothers or sisters? I am trying to figure out if this is a learned response of if there is something else going on.
And as I asked earlier - does he have any older brothers or sisters? I am trying to figure out if this is a learned response of if there is something else going on.
I think this is the reason why so many kids fail to take responsibility for their behavior. They usually say, 'I don't know why I did it.' and the parent usually believes them. This is one way for a child to manipulate the situation.
I have been a therapist for decades and I never met a child who truly didn't know why they acted the way they did. Often times, kids require and incentive (discipline) to get them to verbalize their intent. Once they do, this can be very therapeutic. But if we simply allow kids to say 'I don't know why I did it', this will give the child the green light to continue their misbehavior.
Regarding report writing, I don't know if this 5 year old will be able to complete this form of discipline by writing a report given his age and writing abilities. However, I have taught many parents that for kids that don't have the writing skills, there isn't anything wrong with making this an oral report as it accomplishes the same thing.
The bottom line is that all kids (and adults) need to take responsibility of their behavior. Age should never be a factor. As long as they are smart enough to misbehave, they are smart enough to own their behavior.
I have been a therapist for decades and I never met a child who truly didn't know why they acted the way they did. Often times, kids require and incentive (discipline) to get them to verbalize their intent. Once they do, this can be very therapeutic. But if we simply allow kids to say 'I don't know why I did it', this will give the child the green light to continue their misbehavior.
Regarding report writing, I don't know if this 5 year old will be able to complete this form of discipline by writing a report given his age and writing abilities. However, I have taught many parents that for kids that don't have the writing skills, there isn't anything wrong with making this an oral report as it accomplishes the same thing.
The bottom line is that all kids (and adults) need to take responsibility of their behavior. Age should never be a factor. As long as they are smart enough to misbehave, they are smart enough to own their behavior.
COMMUNITY LEADER
One of the early things I learned as a lifeguard, teacher, - was not to ask a kid why they did it. If they did it, I dealt with it and didn't ask why. And they usually quit doing it. In the late 70's I begin to realize that there were some kids who my normal means of dealing with them did not work. They would keep breaking rules. That was when I started to realize that not all kids are the same. I had a great school psychologist when I was a Principal. I attended every IEP we had for children and really learned that there are some kids that don't know why they did it. Usually, because they don't realize they did it. It was just an instantaneous reaction. Its not just that I have witnessed this many times over decades, its well documented in literature.
Point being, I have been involved with kids for close to 50 years. I have personally met and witnessed kids who did not know why they did it. And these are kids that I have spent 180 days, 6 hours a day with. Having said that, the majority of kids did know why they did it. And I certainly AGREE with what you say for those kids.
I don't have enough information to know what is going on with this child. It is very possible that he is capable of knowing what he is doing. I've got no idea.
What you are suggesting is a form of therapy, not discipline for their behavior. (Its not immediate). I do think it would be appropriate for older kids if the parents then sit down and discuss the matter with them. And, perhaps, with younger kids an oral report might work. But, you are then trusting the parent (who probably wants to punish the child) to become the therapist. That's why I like the books I suggested. It gives both the child and the parent guidelines.
So, long story short, while I agree with most of your ideas for older kids. I don't believe that if all kids "are smart enough to misbehave, they are smart enough to own their behavior." Some kids are not capable of doing that. Whether this child fits into this catagory - I have no idea.
Point being, I have been involved with kids for close to 50 years. I have personally met and witnessed kids who did not know why they did it. And these are kids that I have spent 180 days, 6 hours a day with. Having said that, the majority of kids did know why they did it. And I certainly AGREE with what you say for those kids.
I don't have enough information to know what is going on with this child. It is very possible that he is capable of knowing what he is doing. I've got no idea.
What you are suggesting is a form of therapy, not discipline for their behavior. (Its not immediate). I do think it would be appropriate for older kids if the parents then sit down and discuss the matter with them. And, perhaps, with younger kids an oral report might work. But, you are then trusting the parent (who probably wants to punish the child) to become the therapist. That's why I like the books I suggested. It gives both the child and the parent guidelines.
So, long story short, while I agree with most of your ideas for older kids. I don't believe that if all kids "are smart enough to misbehave, they are smart enough to own their behavior." Some kids are not capable of doing that. Whether this child fits into this catagory - I have no idea.
The comments I made in my last post were general and not specific to the child in question as is this post. All that we could do in this forum is provide suggestions/recommendations based on what we believe might be helpful. However, without conducting thorough interviews, it is hard to assess whether any intervention will truly be effective.
Every decision we make and action we take or engage in typically stems from a thought or a set of thoughts that we experience at that time. We typically do not act or react from a vacuum. Those that act without experiencing thoughts usually suffer from a medical or psychiatric condition that warrants immediate treatment for their safety and the safety of others. For instance, tics do not occur from experiencing thoughts. However, generally speaking, physically assaultive behavior does occur from experiencing thoughts.
Accepting responsibility for our behavior is one of the most difficult and challenging tasks to engage in primarily because it can be a very humiliating, humbling, and embarrassing experience. It is much easier to say 'I don't know why I did it' than to take ownership for this very reason.
The goal of discipline isn't to make kids feel bad about themselves. It is to help them learn so that they don't make the same mistake again. The only way they can do this is to own their behavior. There is no other way.
If I learned early on that all I needed to do to get out of discipline or to avoid experiencing negative feelings as noted above was to say 'I don't know why I did it', I would have said this all of the time after I misbehaved. Making this statement is much easier than taking ownership.
Regarding discipline, how effective is discipline if the child never takes ownership of his/her behavior? Do you really need to be of a certain age to take ownership of behavior? I believe that it is the responsibility of every parent, regardless of the age of his/her child, to provide consequences (discipline) that encourages kids to take responsibility for their behavior without trying to find excuses for the behavior. Additionally, it is the responsibility of every parent to help his/her child process the thoughts that led to the behavior and help them find an acceptable alternative to their behavior. This process may be therapeutic but it certainly isn't therapy. This is simply old fashion, common sense discipline!
Every decision we make and action we take or engage in typically stems from a thought or a set of thoughts that we experience at that time. We typically do not act or react from a vacuum. Those that act without experiencing thoughts usually suffer from a medical or psychiatric condition that warrants immediate treatment for their safety and the safety of others. For instance, tics do not occur from experiencing thoughts. However, generally speaking, physically assaultive behavior does occur from experiencing thoughts.
Accepting responsibility for our behavior is one of the most difficult and challenging tasks to engage in primarily because it can be a very humiliating, humbling, and embarrassing experience. It is much easier to say 'I don't know why I did it' than to take ownership for this very reason.
The goal of discipline isn't to make kids feel bad about themselves. It is to help them learn so that they don't make the same mistake again. The only way they can do this is to own their behavior. There is no other way.
If I learned early on that all I needed to do to get out of discipline or to avoid experiencing negative feelings as noted above was to say 'I don't know why I did it', I would have said this all of the time after I misbehaved. Making this statement is much easier than taking ownership.
Regarding discipline, how effective is discipline if the child never takes ownership of his/her behavior? Do you really need to be of a certain age to take ownership of behavior? I believe that it is the responsibility of every parent, regardless of the age of his/her child, to provide consequences (discipline) that encourages kids to take responsibility for their behavior without trying to find excuses for the behavior. Additionally, it is the responsibility of every parent to help his/her child process the thoughts that led to the behavior and help them find an acceptable alternative to their behavior. This process may be therapeutic but it certainly isn't therapy. This is simply old fashion, common sense discipline!
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