Kindergarten and the Principle

[MassageMom02]

I have a five year old almost six in October and he started kindergarten last week, the first day of school went well and so were the next two days. Then this past Monday he was telling his teacher no and biting other students so off to the principle he went, Tuesday I get a phone call right when school is suppose to start that he had hit another student while on the playground before school, so I was asked to come talk with my son and the principle.  Today I pick him up and in his notes from the teacher she tells me that he pinched another student.......... I'm at my wits end with his acting out he's never been this constant with acting out.  I've taken away the electronics he sits in a time out till he tells me why he did what he did I re-enforce that hitting and touching and talking back are all wrong, What else can I do to get through to him the severity of his actions and the school will suspend him if he keeps up......... Feeling defeated

[nursegirl6572]

I don't agree at all with further punishing young kids at home for something that happened in school.  Older kids, sure, but not younger ones.  I agree that it just adds insult to injury, and often times, because it's not immediate and in context with the bad behavior (in the moment)...the idea of the discipline gets lost on them anyway.

[specialmom]

I think the good thing is that the poster gets advice from people who care even if it isn't always the same.  The poster then can decide what she feel will be best for her child.  Perhaps or not even perhaps but definitely there is no right or wrong answer but different strategies to go about helping a child in this situation.  I found what worked for mine and am really proud of the work my kids have done to be positive members of their student body.  

Over the years, I've realized that the goal is not just getting great behavior out of our kids but also empowering them to make good choices and to feel good about themselves while doing it.  

[specialmom]

I think there is a difference of opinion on that.  I would not punish my 5 year old for struggling in kindergarten.  

I've seen a lot of success not just with my own kids with my concept.

By the way, when my son was in preschool I made the mistake of disciplining and showing such utter disapproval with my son's behavior that it took a negative toll on him.  It didn't help.  HE was trying but things were in the way of good behavior.  Until I addressed 'those things' all discipline did was make him feel like more of a loser,.

Experience tells me that working on root causes is much more effective than discipline right after school when a child is young.  When they are older, the 8 to 9 range, fine.

luck to the poster and hope the books work. That really WAS my strategy to help my kids have the tools they needed to make better choices and it worked really well.  

[MarkLakewood3367]

Books that talk about appropriate behavior is fine but it doesn't replace effective discipline or holding kids accountable for their behavior.

Though some may disagree with disciplining a child at home for bad school behavior, it needs to occur.  The most effective discipline, especially for young kids, should occur directly after the misbehavior.  However, parents have an obligation to discipline their kids at home for bad school behavior.  

[specialmom]

To the poster, those are EXCELLENT books.  Something else to do after you are done reading them is talk about what he CAN do that is appropriate and acceptable.  Act them out for him!  If you need a list for things in the classroom he can do, let me know.  And then share with the teacher what you told him he CAN do so she is aware and will accommodate.  

One other thing I did was to talk about having friends.  My son DID desire having friends so we had dialogue all the time that went like this "how do you think that made your friend feel?"  "we want our friends to want to sit by us so we have to keep our hands to ourselves,"  "If you are talking, your friends cant hear the teacher and it upsets them.  So be a good friend to them by staying quiet."

That always motivated my child and got him thinking about his behavior and the effect it had on others.  

good luck

[specialmom]

So, for the poster, this is definitely concerning behavior as it deals with harm to other kids.  I'm sure this is upsetting to you too and the school has to do their very best to keep everyone from getting hurt . . .   even if it is just a pinch.  You want the other kids to have a good school experience too.

And in truth, figuring this behavior out is important because you want your son to have friends and kids to want to let him join in and that is difficult if he is hurting them.  

So, I am going to ask if this behavior in kindergarten surprises you.  What is he like when you are around with other kids?  Has he ever been in a classroom environment before?  If so, how was that experience?  What is he like at the park when other kids are there?  Etc.  

I'm just curious if he's had issues with peer interaction before.  

I personally would talk to him about what's going on.  WHY dear son are you pinching Charlie (or whatever the name is)?  Not in an angry tone or you're in time out tone but in a 'let's just talk and I'm on your side to figure this out' type of tone.  Talk about what happened right before the pinch and what he could have done instead.

Some kids that have issues like my son which is sensory integration disorder---  these kids will have a particularly hard time in school.  My own son had trouble in preschool.  he didn't know how to do the regular thing of saying "can I play with you guys" and would instead run up and bang into someone.  If they were playing with blocks, he'd run over and knock down their block structure.  Needless to say, the other kids got mad and the teachers were not happy.  So, we worked on how to approach kids, how to use our words, how to play WITH someone, how to handle frustration, disappointment, anger appropriately, etc.  For some kids, this just does not come naturally and you really have to guide them along and help them.  

And then I'd have play dates at my house supervised by me the entire time where we worked on the skills I was teaching him.  

And my son is pretty much the play date pro now.  LOL  He also has only a once in a while 'talking when he shouldn't be' type of behavior that happens literally like one or two times a school year.  He's found ways through our strategies to cope in school.  And THAT is the ultimate goal.

I didn't do this through punishment for the bad days but by teaching him HOW to behave.  For me, that is a big difference.

good luck