My step-daughter is obsessed with her father

[kbl7]

I have been married to my husban for 3 yrs now.  I have an 11yr old step-daughter whom I love, who is somewhat obsessed with her father.  She wants to be with him 24/7, she asks me where he everytime he is not in plain site.  She tries to make him breakfasts and lunches for work.  She has his middle school and elementary school pictures hanging ALL over her room, along with two pictures of the two of them that she has been displaying after I came into the picture.  She and I have a good relationship apart from our family, however when we are all together I get the feeling that she doesn't want me around.  I don't sit by him anymore, kiss him, hug him with fear that she is going to start crying.  I must say it has gotten better since it started, but should I be worried about her?  Is this okay?  I feel like she thinks about her dad more than she is concerned with herself and being a kid.  I am so frustrated on a daily basis.  Help me.  

[margypops]

my post was directed at Bubbles

[margypops]

Yes theres a competition going on for Dads affections by the sound of it. I suggest you make her your friend when her half sister is born tell her she can help you that you will need her around.Its all normal jealousy but its up to you to make it better, she probably feel left out.You can change this into a great and affectionate relationship...don't concern yourself about her Mom thats also normal .Good luck make a big effort.. focus on her positive side and praise her when you see her doing something right .

[bubbles71786]

I agree with all of you! I have an 11 year old step daughter whom i am concerned about..She is completely obsessed with her dad, and loves me and hates me all at the same time! From day one, she was the best kid i could imagine, always wanted to be by my side, wanted to wear my makeup, my clothes shoes, wanted her hair like mine.. and then once her father and i were engaged she was up and down. She would carry a picture around of her mom and dad when they were together and even sleep with it and take it to school.. talk about her mom around us constantly. As it got closer to the wedding she would get more hateful, say she hated both of us and that she didnt want us to be married and she refused to be in the wedding.. the week of the wedding she changed her mind and realized she had no control and dealt with it. We try to include her in on everything but also want her to understand their is adult time. I have two children myself and i personally think there should be times the 3 of them can play together or watch a movie together while my husband and i relax and watch tv. Well instead she doesnt want that. She will sit right on top of him or push the other kids out of the way if she thinks they will even get close to him! We have had many little talks with her and it only helps temporarily! She is always following him around, asking where he is if he's not home, asks who he talks to while he is on the phone, same with texts or she will cut her eyes over to read them.. Its like she trys to act like his GF. Its so weird! After we go married everything was fine for a while, still have ups and downs with her! None from my kids.. and now we jsut found out we are pregnant and she is totally flipping out.. would not talk to us for 3 weeks!! I know her mother says horrible stuff about us, she tells her things she should not know about!! Like when they broke up when she was a child.. just to make her father look bad, and alot of other crazy stuff! She is always trying to instogate things between her father and mother.. and it gets bad at times!! I found papers in her school folder where she doodles her dads name, like you would a boyfriend at 11. Where she writes her dad is handsome and stuff like me plus dad equalls hearts... really weird!! How and what can i do?? I love her to death but sometimes i get to my wits end and cant stand being around her!! someone have any advice?

[mammo]

I think she is afraid of losing her father completely.  I think he needs to get involved and reassure her that he will ALWAYS be her father.  She is feeling insecure, and it's not your fault, you sound like a wonderful step-mom to this girl. I think the photos are to assure her, and no more.  Maybe it's time that her father and her go pick out a couple of frames and let them frame a couple of the photos together.  Then maybe he could explain to her that she can keep all the other photos in an album and allow her to pick out the album she likes. Once in while have her sit between the two of you and eat popcorn while watching a movie of her choice, anything that shows her she is part of all this. I think it's very commendable of you to care so much for her. She knows you care very much for her, but she is feeling the need to stay very connected to her father, so maybe he is the one that needs to do more to show her that she will always be his daughter.  In the meantime, you and your husband can plan a few things that involve her. Encourage her to invite friends over, get her involved in after school activities to keep her among friends.  You also need to make sure she isn't hearing things from her mother to make her feel this way.  You don't mention her mother, is she even in the picture?  It's a good time to evaluate all this and get her to a better state of mind.  I think your fear is well founded that she is not enjoying being a little girl due to all this.  It's great that she has you!  Good luck and take care.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd talk to a child therapist.  The slight sense of rivalry is not surprising, and I think it's smart that you don't rub it in by kissing or hugging your husband when she is standing by -- after all, not only has he taken away her one-on-one relationship with him by marrying, but you have 24/7 rights to him and she no longer really does.  But the obsessive bit with the pictures of him as a kid and all, that's what I would ask the therapist about.  It seems like she is developing a fantasy of him as some kind of ideal boyfriend, when he is obviously her dad and not a kid.  I'd see if there is any gentle way to move her out of that fantasy world.

[margypops]

Sounds like she is a loving girl, maybe when you want to sit and hug her Dad you could make her part of it also, I think it is possible there is some rivalry for his affections going on,you are the adult you can make it a threesome , so she doesnt feel left out and has to compete. good luck how about you and her get doing a few girl things together .