STEPMOM FRUSTERATED

[rebbecca]

Almost a year ago my husband has got his daughter Brianna very other week for 7 day then her mom gets her 7 days. Well the thing is when we have Brainna I do everything from taking her to the doctor to going to meet her teacher and I dont have a problem with it until her mom decided that I can do all of this on her week also.  Now me and my husband do not ask her for anything when we have her. Her mom is always telling us that she doesnt have money for clothes, shoes and also school supplies before it started.  So I went out and bought all of Brianna school supplies but I told my husband that we cant afford to buy clothes for her house because we already have to do it here. She also feels that I should get Brianna on and off the bus everyday even when it is her responiblity to take care of it. She said that I should because I already get my son on the bus. I am starting to feel like a babysitter instead of her stepmom.
When I was getting Bri on and off the bus she would drop her off at 7 the bus would come until almost 9 and she wouldnt pick her up from 1 to 4 hours after Bri was off the bus. And she would get mad when I call her to come pick Bri up. She has never once  thanked me and that really pisses me off.
So my husband told bri mom that she would have to find someone else to do it. She got so pissed that she called my mother in law and her boyfriend bitching about me and what a ***** i am because i wont get bri on and off the bus. So I called her and needless to say it wasnt pretty.

So I am wrong for her to take care of bri on the weeks that she has her................please let me know

[kiwifruit]

In the middle of all of this is Bri. I know that her mother tests your patience. In as nice of a manner that you can tolerate, you should deal with this. There is a sensitive little girl caught in the middle of this. If you love Bri and want the best for Bri, you should take care of Bri when her mom passes her off to you. Bri already knows that her mom doesn't care much for her or about her or she wouldn't do that kind of thing. The last thing she needs from you and her dad is to feel like a burden to you too. Children pick up quickly on the negative feelings and tension in their homes and find a way every time to blame themselves for what is going on. Bri needs you to have patience and enjoy the time you have with her. You are by far, from the way it sounds, the main female example in her life. Be her mother instead of step-mother and help her to build up the self-image that she lacks because of her very frustrating, awful mom.                          Kiwifruit

[mom2-2ts]

Hi there,  first of all let me say that I'm not going to bash you, just add a few things to think about.  I am also a step-mom as well as a biological mom, plus a family therapist, so I have some experience here.  I do think that you are wonderful for all that you do for Bri.  Although a child may express to you their devotion to their biological parent, that does not mean that they love you less.  Most children of divorce, because of being pulled this way or that by their parents, do not realize that another "mom" does not mean that someone has to get loved less, their heart just makes the room.  Your picking up bio mom's slack may be frustrating, and seem unappreciated, but let me tell you that Bri will remember it and appreciate it, maybe not next year, but she will.  Right now she is trying to make any excuse in her head for why mom is not doing things for her, why she is picking her up late, etc.  It is important for her to believe that mom loves her unconditionally.  Although you may see things differently for her, realize that you can make this little girl's turmoil ease up a bit.  Yes, by you picking her up and acting as if you don't mind doing it it may overshadow the fact that mom isn't doing it.  But that's okay, bri will grow up remembering who was always there, no need to tell her, she knows, she just needs to believe in her mom right now.  You have the unique position of helping her to have a more wonderful little life.  When you look into her future she can either be suffering from feeling as if she wasn't loved by a mother figure, or she can have high self-esteem and feel loved and cared for because she is.  You have the power to help with this.  I know that it is soooo touch watching them run to their bio mom as if she is perfect when you know that you just rearranged your own week to pick up the pieces bio mom broke.  But look at the happiness in her eyes.  Whether it is directed towards you or anyone else, it is happiness and that is what counts.  Trust me when I say my son's bio mom is a real piece of work, caring way more about relationships with men than spending her weekends with her son, but he is getting older and is now seeing that and it breaks my heart.  What he also sees is that no matter what, he is loved, he is taken care of, both emotionally and physically, he always has a place in my heart, and because of that he can achieve a level of happiness that he wouldn't otherwise because he would second guess himself as to why he has a mom who doesn't care as much about him.  He gets all of the love and care in the world.  Good luck in your decision with how to handle this.  One more other quick point, please also look at the safety factor for bri, it is not good for any child to be waiting at a bus stop for the amount of time she is being left, that does concern me.  

[here4theinfo]

Ok, I have noticed when it comes to a "step mom" stating her frustrations of having to do her job and the biological mother and fathers job as well, everyone wants to jump down her throat. I mean come on, I have read quite a few of these posts. Is it not any persons right to "expect" a little help and advice when they have a frustration about wanting someone else to help pull the load, especially if a biological parent does not seem to be pulling their own load. Look, when people have kids, there are supposed to be responsible, but most are not. Then you have "step parents" that step in and help to love the child and take care of them, most often the kids dont "except" the step parent, and other times they do. But is it not reasonable to have a frustration  like any parent and write a post without getting shot down for all the work they are doing??  This woman has her owns kids and she is as accepting as she can be, she should not have to do anything at all during the mothers week. Why enable the mother? The biological mother needs to grow up and be responsible for her own child. This woman does not say that she doesnt love this child, she just states that she shouldnt have to do everything, when the childs mother is out there twiddling her thumbs in anger. Please dont "jump on the band wagon" and start "shooting down step parents. Often step parents are the reason that a child is loved. Love is not a comparison, just because she asks suggestions on how to get the mother to be responsible, does not mean she does not love the child. Geez, what about the great things she is doing for this girl?? there is no love or no love situations going on. Wake up people and stop putting down the step parents..Im going to start a step parent forum so all of those who are step parents and dont want to get bashed for what they do, can come over and get non judgemental advice. For those who actually gave good advice, keep it up. No one should feel bad for trying to make a right...Thank you

PS. rebbecca
You are totally right in your thoughts, it is ok to expect the mother to take care of her own child when she has her, and if she does not, then maybe it is time to step in and change the times Bri is with the mother. Hopefully it will work out for the best, the main point is the childs well being and you are doing a good job, maybe you can ask Bri what she would like..Good day..

[011207]

"Maybe I am out to lunch here but I think a stepmom who is willing to have a child of a previous marriage with her more than half of the month is already proving to have a very kind heart."

I'm sorry but that is what comes with the territory when you CHOOSE to marry someone who has a child.  It's not a dog, it's a child, an ectension of the man you married.  There ae no set rules.  Either you welcome the child into your home and heart or marry someone without kids.  When you marry somene with children you should be ready to have that child be with you FULL time at any point.  If that never happens and you're able to have time alone or away from that child then fine but you should assume the responsibility of being a new "mother" once you say I do, otherwise don't.

No one should get a gold star for **** what they ought to do.  Rockrose is right.  Either this woman loves her stepdaughter and wants to do whatever she can to help her or she doens't.  There are no set days and rules for parenting.  If this girl's mother isn't **** the right thing by her then it's the father's responsibility to pick up the slack and since she married him it's her job too.  If her chief complaint is that she shouldn't be doing those things on her week off and she wonders why he daughter doesn't live with them full time, then why doesn't the daughter live with them full time.

By the way, where is the father is all this?  I haven't heard him mentioned.  pErhaps he neds to "talk" to his ex instead of laying all of this on his current wife.

[kerrydawn]

i think its quite sad that her mom doesnt want to being doing that all herself and i think your a great person for doing it one day that girls going to ask why her step mom always picked her up and dropped her off to school and not her.....i have a step daughter also and i love her a ton iwill always be there for her and if her mom started acting that way id just be there for that little girl and treat her like my own really in the futur shes going to remember that you were the one making sure she was taken care of and not her mom and its sad that her mom let that happen for watever reasons

[Trialanderror]

Maybe I am out to lunch here but I think a stepmom who is willing to have a child of a previous marriage with her more than half of the month is already proving to have a very kind heart. And if she has children of her own, she deserves to have some family time without her husband`s past. My son spends the occasional weekend with his dad and his new wife and I have always been amazed how generously she welcomes him into their new life. I do not take this for granted at all but feel blessed and would never impose more than a stepmom can take on their new family life becasue it was also the father`s choice to start a new life.
I would clearly separate the dad week and the mom week which would also force the biological mom to rearrange her life to accommodate Brianna`s needs rather than to shift to a change in custody. It is not always in the child`s interest to be torn away from her biological mother just becasue she may have cleaner clothes or more stability in the pther family. She may regret later that she never formed her own kind of relationship with her mother and whether she was well-groomed and taken care of may turn out to be utterly unimportant to her in the long run.