School Issues- Kindergarten

[ANS04]

My son is 5 years old. For the last few years we have noticed an array of different behavior problems. They have ranged from inability to focus, hyperactivity, aggression, preference of being around adults instead of children and so on. The first thought was ADHD...but after two years of working hard with him...ADHD does not seem to fit. I have researched anxiety disorders, dyslexia, oppositional defiant disorder, autism and so on. Nothing seems to fit just right.
So here is what we are currently facing...
At home my son has improved tremendously. His hyperactivity has died down and he seems more like a typical 5 year old boy. He generally listens on the first try or at least by the second. If he is tired...it could take five times or more. He is sweet...caring...affectionate...thoughtful...very attentive...overall a fun loving kid. As long as he is around adults...this is the behavior he shows. Most the comments we receive are...what a well behaved lovable boy. He shows little to no aggression...never uses bad words...is clear on what is right from wrong.
At school...he seems to be a completely different child. Since day one we have had issues. What started as a concern with him sitting quietly or participating with other children quickly developed into much more serious concerns. According to his teacher and the staff at the school my son show's aggression (hitting, kicking), he says bad words, treats kids poorly (name calling, destroying their papers), isolates himself, wont participate...it goes on and on.
We have met with the school many times...my son has been sent to the principals office countless times...he has been suspended once. We have a big meeting coming up soon to evaluate him for special ed. The teacher is stating she feels my son will fail Kindergarten because he is not academically up to standards. However, I work with my son twice a day on homework and he is academically "average" in reading/writing and advanced in mathematics and language/communication. He can relate to and understand adult concepts. His memory is outstanding...he remembers things from when he was two that even I forgot. He asks lots of questions and unlike typical children doesnt accept the basic answer...he digs deeper. My son is very aware that he is treated different at school and on the bus...he states this makes him sad. When asked if he likes school...he states he likes/misses his teacher but not the other children. The moment he walks to the school bus...his whole demeanor changes.
What I know to be true is this...my son acts very differently at home vs at school...he has always preferred adults/older children over children his own age...I have witnessed this "poor" behavior the school speaks of when he is around children of his own age or children who are more active/unruly and he does require more focused attention to stay on track and behave (not an independent worker). One last thing...I have noticed that school has greatly influenced his self confidence/worth...he has come home saying he is stupid or ugly and wants a new face. Things he heard at school.
Oh...one more thing...he does know right from wrong...he shows accurate emotions when he has done something wrong...shows remorse...guilt...sadness...
Sorry this was so long...but I am desperate for some answers. For years everyone has "guessed" at what could be the problem...we have tried hundreds of things with him...I want something concrete. I refuse to let my son fail kindergarten...he is smart...gifted I believe...socially/emotionally maybe immature...but too smart to be held back.
Help anyone...ideas....please!

[Sandman2]

   I would really advise against pulling him out this year (if that's what you mean).  He (and you) are finally starting to build  a relationship with his teacher and counselor.  To have to start that all over again would be very difficult.  The advantage of keeping him in the same school for next year is that his new teacher could communicate with his old teacher and the counselor would probably be the same.
  If you do make the change, see if there is any kind of a summer school where he would get a chance to meet kids that he would be with the following year.  Typically, his 504 or IEP will follow him to any new school.
  By the way, what did he actually wind up with a 540 (I'm guessing) or an IEP?

[ANS04]

Specialmom...I sent a long email describing the strategies I have implemented at home to the school counselor...she then responded with the information about working with Anthony on personal space. This is why I was so shocked...not a single word about all the other strategies I suggested.

Regardless I will continue to work with him at home...and plan on getting at least one of the books this weekend.

I so badly want to pull him out of that school (which is in his Father's district) and put him into the school in my district. The school in my district is smaller and more personal. I feel like they would be more likely to work with him. They also dont have a predisposed idea about him and neither do the kids. I am afraid if I sit back any longer...they will fail my son...

I am just sooooo frustrated....feeling like they are not doing enough....they might mean well....but I just feel like they are doing the bare minimum....or what they feel is sufficient.

[specialmom]

You know, I'm really sorry.  I would be frustrated too.  Have you told them that you are frustrated at this point?  Not in a way that makes them defensive-----  but I think you as his advocate can say after week one----  hold up, not working.  (if it doesn't work, that is).  There are laws protecting your child's education.  I would inquire about a parent advocate----    I really would.  We have them here and they help navigate the system.  I was told that school's may appear to be doing things to help your child but are doing the minimal that they can.  So say they offer one service a week (an occupational therapist comes and does some work with your child), but he would really benefit from two visits a week.  A parent advocate helps make that happen.  

I would also read the material Sandman has suggested as well as anything else you can about add/adhd and sensory----  and just start implementing things at home.  Animal walks before school, thick bubble gum, specific discipline strategies that those books recommend, etc.  See if you can make a dent yourself.  Then you can tell them what works for your son by your own experience.  

Getting along with the school is important for success---  but you are in the last half of the year now and in 6 weeks you will be working your way into spring . . . I'd want to iron some of this out this year vs waiting until next.  That is just me.  

But I feel for you.  That is difficult and maybe Sandman can shed some more light on this-----  but I think I would be frustrated too.  

[ANS04]

Soooo....an update....

The school informed me that the only change they made to my son's behavior intervention plan was regarding personal space. The counselor and psychologist will each meet with my son once a week (separate days) to work on respecting the personal space of other children/adults.

Huh??? That's it?? Are you kidding?? I dont get it...what about everything else? I mean I guess they picked the one they thought was most crucial...

I am so frustrated though!

[benjimom]

I am having similar issues with my son. He's in kindergarten too and does much better at home.

[Sandman2]

    There is a ton of stuff in the book!  Fortunately the chapters in the table of contents have a lot of detail.  Some that caught my eye:  1.7 ADHD and social skills interventions; 1.8 ADHD in preschool and kindergarten; 2.1 Common triggers or antecedents to misbehavior.
    I also just got the ADD&ADHD Answer Book by Susan Ashley.  It also was highly recommended and I can see why.  It is shorter and a bit more direct.  Its probably aimed more at the parents.  While Rief's book is "How to reach and teach" and is aimed more at the classroom.