I think there are degrees of this. The 21 year old scenario was flat out odd and could have been emotional incest as explained by some of the commenters. As for the younger girls I do not think that is the case. I was very close to my father however he worked long hours and I rarely saw him during the week and only on the weekends when my parents were married. When they divorced when I was 10 I was shattered I was so sad my dad left the home and he moved in with someone immediately. I do not believe I behaved the way some of the daughters described did but my heart literally ached from missing my father when I was with him and apart from him. I cried every night for a year at night after he left. He was and still is my favorite. Divorce is a horrible thing to go through for children due missing time with their parents along with all the other stuff that goes with it. I think alot of people need to realize that. I'm 37 now and still to this day have a void due to the missing time with my father. He went on to get married again and puts his wife first along with her family and her needs. It hurts very much. I think women that date a man that has children need to realize they are dealing with children from broken homes and their world as they believe it should be is not right. I feel a lot of times women are selfish and want all their attention of the partner but need to realize you are not their first love and need to realize children should come first. I get you are experiencing love again and want a partner but there are other people in his life who need him and by the children not getting the attention they need could have lasting affects. I'm very needy on my husband for example I've been married 13 years. I'm very insecure as well and I know it had to do with the psychological effects I have from the hindered time with my father. I saw a therapist recently and was told this feeling will likely never go away. Please keep this in mind ladies. Best wishes to all. Life is tough be understanding to those that act broken because they likely really are.
I dont know? I see this in a completely different way than the others. I dont find this childs behavior unusual. I find the fact that you have such an objection to her based on 3 or 4 days a month. Look at it from THIS childs perspective. I stress THIS child, because how the others act or react, has nothing to do with how this particular child is processing this change in her life. I could make a very valid argument that this child in question is displaying a more healthy behavioral response, relative to the others. Have you stopped to put yourself in her place. You have a child that goes from having her father in her life everyday. To now only seeing him 4 days a month. About 1/10th as much as before. Then you add to that, other children that she's now expected to share 1/10th as much time with 3 more children! Basically her time with her father has become 25% of 1/10th. I think I might be a little clingy too. The fact that you clearly have an unsympathetic bias towards this child....that's the problem here. This child is actually handling it quite well. Were I she, I'd have kicked your ***, and threw you overboard.
I know this is old, but I also have step daughters. They stay with us every weekend. The younger one (5) is more attached to me, since we've been together for 2 years and she doesn't remember me not being in the picture. Also, I work from home, and he works weekends so they end up spending more time with me. In the weekends I am practically her mommy, and daddy is second. The older one (10) loves us both but is more attached to her dad. She wants to always be around him, sit next to him or on his lap, etc. Honestly, they just love and really really miss their dads. When I think about it, i just feel for her. So I am probably one of those rare step moms who encourages it, because I believe she misses him all week at her moms and I feel sorry for her. Just try to understand it from their point of view, you get him every day, she just gets him every other week. She needs bonding time with him.
Okay. So this poor little girl, that gets to see her Dad, 4 times a month, or about 1/10th as much as before the divorce, is upset and acting out, saying "No! You have to spend your whole B-day with me!" and you believe that she is just a terrible child because she's upset that 1 of her 4 days a month is now being whittled down even more. I find the fact that you're reacting in a flippant, heartless manner towards this childs obvious pain, that she's trying to alleviate by attempting to enact control over her surroundings and what she believes she can control....a common coping method for dealing with situations we've little to no control over. I find your reaction to her, far more troubling than this childs behavior. Try to have some sympathy and understanding. I don't know? Maybe take the child aside and tell her how much you and her father love her and that you know it's hard being a child of divorce but that you and her father will always be here for her, might help more than being cold hearted and unsympathetic. Do you think maybe she's scared of losing the 1/10th of time remaining as she lost the other 9/10th?? Maybe that's it. Maybe think about the child instead of yourself for once? But we know you won't or didn't as I see this many years ago.
I think some people need to reread the question. The poster is saying that the stepdaughter is obsessed with her OWN father. There is no step father in this picture. This is an issue between biological daughter and biological father. The poster is the step mother to this step daughter
I believe the step father is sexually abusing her as well that behavior isn't normal.. maybe he's a Sociopath I have the same situation... my daughter clings to me but my other kids dont.. the ones that are his biological kids. We are separated but he has visitation with my 2 girls one he adopted she's the one who showing signs of abuse... he;s a very good actor.. I;m fighting custody now.. 3 years late I found out what he was... a sociopath...
Mini-Wife Syndrome or in psychology it's called emotional incest.
Could be a cry for help because something's not right with the step-dad. Did you ever sit her down when she's not acting this way and simply ask her what's up?
It is called Mini wife syndrome or emotional incest. If not treated it will never get better. Your partner needs to be willing to set boundaries. If he does not see that there is a problem, my advise is to get the hell out of this relationship, it will only drive you nuts.
To EVERYONE here (I'm surprised how common this issue is and how little is known about it - frightening!)
Google is your friend!
These issues with parent/child relationships that seem inappropriate or over-the-top, even if it appears the parent is (currently) exhibiting perfectly healthy behaviour towards the child, are likely the product of emotional incest.
Also known as covert incest, it's when a parent has leaned on a child in an emotional way, usually when a marriage or romantic relationship is failing and that parent feels at a loss and no longer has their partner to talk to, so they turn to a child they feel close with to confide in. Unfortunately for that child (and any future partners of that parent) this creates an unhealthy emotional disregulation between the child and parent where the child feels like they must fill an emotional role of a romantic partner. Whether the child or parent realizes what has happened or not, the bond is not healthy, and the behaviour the child exhibits will seem more like a partner, showing extreme jealousy, loose boundaries, and needing more attention or affection than seems normal.
Here is a very good article discussing it. It includes differentiating between covert, and overt incest (where there is actual sexual touching involved) and combinations of it.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201510/understanding-covert-incest-interview-kenneth-adams
It might seem harmless enough to have an honest and open relationship with a child that way, and in some cases it might actually be harmless, but in other cases it can prove to be too much emotionally for a child and cause these kinds of issues.
I strongly urge anyone experiencing this (or observing this) in any family dynamic to read the above article I linked to about "Covert Incest" on the PsychologyToday website and to seek professional help from a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist.
Hi thanks for the welcome and comments. I have 2 sons. 20 and 17. The difference betweeen me and my boyfriend is that his daughter IS his life whereas my boys are a wonderful PART of my life. I would lay my life down for them but i also have my own life which is very nessecary for a healthy parent child relationship. I always tried to have a date night and call the sitter. My guy simply will not do this and he has 50/50 custody too. I agree this is not the workings of a lasting partnership.
Hi there and welcome. Well, it certainly is hard to be with a man with a child from a previous relationship. I hear you.
I do want to say this though. I'm guessing you don't have kids? You don't seem to understand the dynamics of parent/child. Especially when they do not get to be together every day such as in shared custody. I have two sons, 9 and almost 8. We're affectionate and have deep love for each other. They absolutely come above all else. I love their dad tremendously and he is very important to me but my kids' needs come first. Heck, they often come over my own needs as I'll get up and do for them when I'm exhausted, I'll put off my own activity to attend theirs, etc. That's parenting.
That he has special things planned with her such as on her birthday, valentines day, or father/daughter dance (your examples)---- well, those are special memories with his child. I'd be supportive of that. My own husband gets big kuddos from me when he plans special things with our kids. I love that they are bonding!!
Do you get no time with him on your own? Does he have her 24/7?
In all honestly, someone that is very attached to their child and then the person they are dating has a problem with that--- are probably not compatible for dating. Too much tension.
He may pull back on the affection and time with her as she enters the teenage years but most likely will always be very close to her as father and daughters should be.
I get that this would be very hard for you if you don't feel included. I wouldn't like that either. So, I'm not sure what the answer is.
I guess you could tell him your feelings but in a way that doesn't make him defensive if you can. peace and luck
It's not in the DSM, but this is the basis for Freud's work, and was also noted by Carl Jung.
Back in the early 1900's. Freud called it the feminine Oedipal complex, other psychs called it the Electra Complex.
Where a girl becomes obsessed with her father and sees her mother as a competitor.
I have the same situation with my 12 year old stepdaughter. Totally obsessed with her dad. We just had a baby and now she is totally obsessed with the baby too. The x wife calls crying because the daughter is always crying she misses her dad and her sister (baby is only 8 weeks old). She sees him twice a week and every other weekend. It has been like this for the past 10 years, but it seems to have gotten worse when we found out I was pregnant. Now that the baby is here, its the baby is so cute the baby this the baby that I am a big sister, and it's constant, there is no other conversation about anything else but her being a sister and the baby. When she is here she follows me around with the baby like a puppy. When I put the baby in her swing she is in the babys face talking and poking at her, none stop to the point of being an unhealthy obsession. When people come over to see the baby she gets upset, she doesn't want anyone else near her. I am actually nervous to leave her alone in the same room with her for a split second because I am afraid she might do something and hurt her, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Her mom just put her in therapy in the past week, but her behavior in the past has been just as bizarre I have told my husband for years she needs help, and he said that it was all me and there was nothing wrong with her.
I am with a man who has a 5 year old who does alot of the same things. But she does not love me to death she actually tells me everyday that she hates me. I think it is due to the fact that she is jealous and wants her dad to herself like it was before.
maybe she just misses her dad or something is going on at her moms house where her step dad could be abusing her or something?
I've heard that dependent personality disorder can begin this way in girls who do not yet have romantic partners.
It's called Mini-Wife Syndrome.
Take the girl, RUN DO NOT WALK to the nearest mental health provider!
Sounds like molestation to me ladies, Better look at those WONDERFUL MEN. Do bother to ask how I know. Just take my word for it. The child is not wanting affection, she is seeking to protect others!
What you've described sounds normal and healthy compared to what others in this thread have described.
Girls missing their father who they don't see regularly is normal, of course, however, obsessive, extremely jealous behaviours and clear issues with boundaries is a big red flag. A child should be able to, and even desire to go off and play with other children and/or by themselves away from their parent(s). It's a normal part of development. A lot of the descriptions here don't sound like that.
Yeah, sounds like you have different styles and ideas of how it should be. Ugh, it's hard figuring that out sometimes but saves us heartache in the end. good luck and peace
I have the same problem going on but mine is even worse. My boyfriend, (who is 49 and his daughter who will be 10) is the same way in return. He buys into and even pushes the attention she gives to him. She always comes first, no matter what, plans get cancelled because something is up with her, happens to be valentines day is her birthday so I dont get any time with him whatsoever. We were supposed to see eachother tonight but its the father/daughter dance. I have been with him 2 years. Finally started interacting with the daughter 6 omnths ago and we do get along but when we all watch tv together she is all over him and I am lucky to get the hand holding, and god forbid she sees him touch me, there she is with the please love me hug, and what bothers me most is that he adores this. HELP!