Aa
Temper tantrums
Recently my daughter and I wanted to watch a movie together on a weekend that my 7 year old step daughter was with us. My daughter wanted time with just me so I told my step daughter that she would need to find something else to do. Her feelings were hurt and she started crying, her dad came and got her and she threw a tantrum for 20 minutes. Her dad, was mad at me and my daughter for not letting her watch the movie, he felt we could have done it on a night when his daughter was not there. The weeks are so busy for me and I don't have time, he had also rented himself some movies that he intended on watching that weekend by himself so, I felt I should be able to do the same. I got upset with him for not giving his daughter a time out for the tantrum, he said that he was not going to give her one for her feelings being hurt. I don't think she should be punished for hurt feelings but I also don't think he should have let her carry on about it for 20 minutes either. How should that have been handled?
I want to apologize if my comments in any way were hurtful. I am in the process of trying to learn that my opinion is not always needed much less wanted. I was sorry to hear about the divorce. I know it may be the best thing for every one but there are still times one has doubts then usually begins to put self down which is the last thing peopl need. I only meant good sharing my thoughts. Take care and God Bless
i've been a stepchild since i was 4. my mothers husbands (she's working on number 3 now) have ALWAYS treated me as if i was their own daughter. in fact her second husband and i are still very close. he's like my second dad.
my fathers 2nd wife. we'll call her medusa since well that's what the family calls her. treated me the way you're treating your stepdaughter. it started off i was excluded from a movie, then a birthday, then a vacation. nothing major right? well let me tell you when your 4-16 and you see your father spending all this time with his "other children" it takes a toll. i'll be turning 24 next month...i'm STILL dealing with everything this woman did to me. i was always "that womans daughter", "you're daughter". i always heard them fighting, "you deal with her, she's yours not mine."
so instead of seeing it as a child simply throwing a temper tantrum put yourself in her shoes. she's a kid. 7 years old. i don't know a 7 year old who sits through a movie without talking. it happens. instead of you and your husband having separate activities for each other children (he with his you with yours) why not do something together...as a family. since that is what you're supposed to be.
and to answer your question...no she shouldn't have gotten a punishment for "throwing a tantrum". her father was right. YOU should have been the grown up in the situation and adjusted yourself to include her in your activity. even if you wanted to watch a movie in peace. your a mother. (as am i, i have 2 10 month olds...ask when the last time i watched a movie from begining to end was...) your life is not your life. you have to devote time to your children (as well as his now). so woman up and quit excluding this child from anything. even something as simple as a movie. SHE IS A CHILD. but trust me....this one thing could lead to worse things (from you and her) and cause her a lifetime of grief and agony then she'll end up going to a therapist for years.
my fathers 2nd wife. we'll call her medusa since well that's what the family calls her. treated me the way you're treating your stepdaughter. it started off i was excluded from a movie, then a birthday, then a vacation. nothing major right? well let me tell you when your 4-16 and you see your father spending all this time with his "other children" it takes a toll. i'll be turning 24 next month...i'm STILL dealing with everything this woman did to me. i was always "that womans daughter", "you're daughter". i always heard them fighting, "you deal with her, she's yours not mine."
so instead of seeing it as a child simply throwing a temper tantrum put yourself in her shoes. she's a kid. 7 years old. i don't know a 7 year old who sits through a movie without talking. it happens. instead of you and your husband having separate activities for each other children (he with his you with yours) why not do something together...as a family. since that is what you're supposed to be.
and to answer your question...no she shouldn't have gotten a punishment for "throwing a tantrum". her father was right. YOU should have been the grown up in the situation and adjusted yourself to include her in your activity. even if you wanted to watch a movie in peace. your a mother. (as am i, i have 2 10 month olds...ask when the last time i watched a movie from begining to end was...) your life is not your life. you have to devote time to your children (as well as his now). so woman up and quit excluding this child from anything. even something as simple as a movie. SHE IS A CHILD. but trust me....this one thing could lead to worse things (from you and her) and cause her a lifetime of grief and agony then she'll end up going to a therapist for years.
We have been to counseling. He is not willing to do his part. Yes, it is hard to blend families. I wouldn't have asked for advice if I couldn't take it, no matter how harsh. Thanks for your comments. No hard feelings here.
I'm so sorry you're getting a divorce. I really mean that. I didn't mean to be harsh. You're right, we don't really know your whole situation. Please forgive me if I came across as harsh. I know how hard it is to blend two families together. Are you sure the counseling won't work? I'm sorry if your husband doesn't want to do it with you. That's so important for you both to be on the same page. I understand, I really do. I wish you all the very best. God bless,
April
April
I think you are the only one who has understood a word I have said. Yes, that was a good suggestion stubby made. Yes my step-daughter did have it explained to her so she knew we were not leaving her out to be rude. And she was allowed to watch the movie the next day with her dad and I would have gladly watched it again with her if she wanted to. Her father thinks that she should not have had a time out because it was punishment enough that she didn't get to watch the movie with me and my daughter and he said that if the situation came up again, he would handle it the same way. He wants to discipline his kids and me discipline my kids, I don't agree with that and he will not budge and compromise. I don't feel you have been mean in any way, thanks for your imput.
I am not saying that sleep is more important than time together but you tell me what teenager wants to get up at the crack of dawn to go to breakfast, his kids get up at 6:30 and on the weekends I like to sleep in a bit since I get up at 4:30 am everyday to go to work. My husband does not want a family clean up, he wants my kids to do the chores, they are not slaves and I think that when his kids are with us then they can take on some chores. He doesn't have them do any but I do ask them to do some small things like clear the dinner table and take out the trash and I pay them an allowance, he doesn't. I am stepping up to the plate as a step mother but I am not getting the same in return from him and I cannot do it alone and should not have to. Yes, I was irritated with my husband for getting movies for himself and then expecting me to include his daughter while watching mine, I don't think that was fair of him to do. If you read my post to April2 we are divorcing anyway. I have spent a lot of alone time with my step daughter and she gets more of my time than my own kids, because one I hardly get to see her so I try to be with her as much as possible and two because she is little still and needs more attention. Yes we have been to counseling but he didn't feel like we needed more so we stopped going. The issues go deeper than just dealing with extra children in our world. If prayer worked, my children would get along and my husband and I would act as a teem not roommates dealing with our own children only adding the intimate benefits of marriage, which is all I feel he married me for. He wants the bachelor life with the benefits of marriage. He thinks that I should pay more of the rent because his kids are not there as much. It is just a mess. Thanks for your input.
I didn't get a movie with intent to disclude her, that is a harsh word. I don't do the separation of "his kids, my kids" He is the one who does the one on one with his kids, I try to find things that we all can do but he wants some time alone with his kids since he hardly gets to see them and I respect that. I want it in return. That is wonderful that you are close to your step dad, my step daughter calls me mom and I am sure if my step son was not autistic, he would as well. My husband has told me that he doesn't want my kids calling him dad. It doesn't matter anymore, we are getting a divorce, thanks for your input it has been helpful.
Ok, I just wanted to add my two cents. I don't think there is any problem at all with having one on one time with your children. As long as each child gets there own one on one time with each parent equally, it's great. I also do not think you were being the "evil stepmother" in this situation, like some of the other commentators suggest. There is nothing wrong with having one on one time with your children! Doctors recommend it because you can build strong bonds with your kids this way(better than if you were with all the children at once)
To better handle a situation like this in the future(where you have one on one with one of the kids) I would use(like stubby said) a calender where one day a month(at least) each child got special one on one time with each parent. I think what happened was your stepdaughter didn't understand what was going on so she felt like you just didn't want any time with her. With a calender or something similar she will understand that on a certain day your daughter gets alone time with you and then on another day she'll get alone time with you, so you can cut out the tantrums.
Now onto her 20+ min tantrum. If she had still continued on with the tantrum after you had explained the situation to her, then that's not acceptable in my opinion. As long as you explained what was going on and that of course you still loved her and it was just your daughter's time for alone time, then if she did go into a temper tantrum, she should have been put into time out(or whatever punishment works for you)
At her age, throwing temper tantrums for 20+ min should not be allowed(regardless of the reason). And the fact that her father let it happen is also a big no no. You two have to be together in your discipline. i would suggest talking to your husband about discipline and about all the things you've said in your post and then come up with a system that both of you agree on to discipline ALL the kids in the same way. You guys have to be together on this or the kids will never learn.
Oh and just make sure if you do have one on one time with your daughter, you have to also have one on one time with your stepdaughter or she will definitely feel left out(as she should if you only take the time to spend quality time with your children)
I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I'm just trying to suggest things that could help stop the tantrums and the feelings of being unloved in the future and help both you and your husband have a united front with the kids.
To better handle a situation like this in the future(where you have one on one with one of the kids) I would use(like stubby said) a calender where one day a month(at least) each child got special one on one time with each parent. I think what happened was your stepdaughter didn't understand what was going on so she felt like you just didn't want any time with her. With a calender or something similar she will understand that on a certain day your daughter gets alone time with you and then on another day she'll get alone time with you, so you can cut out the tantrums.
Now onto her 20+ min tantrum. If she had still continued on with the tantrum after you had explained the situation to her, then that's not acceptable in my opinion. As long as you explained what was going on and that of course you still loved her and it was just your daughter's time for alone time, then if she did go into a temper tantrum, she should have been put into time out(or whatever punishment works for you)
At her age, throwing temper tantrums for 20+ min should not be allowed(regardless of the reason). And the fact that her father let it happen is also a big no no. You two have to be together in your discipline. i would suggest talking to your husband about discipline and about all the things you've said in your post and then come up with a system that both of you agree on to discipline ALL the kids in the same way. You guys have to be together on this or the kids will never learn.
Oh and just make sure if you do have one on one time with your daughter, you have to also have one on one time with your stepdaughter or she will definitely feel left out(as she should if you only take the time to spend quality time with your children)
I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I'm just trying to suggest things that could help stop the tantrums and the feelings of being unloved in the future and help both you and your husband have a united front with the kids.
Wow what a basket full of emotions. Just dealing with your question about if the little girl should be allowed a temper tanturn x29mins. Most temper tanturms are not easy turn on and turn off. If your were told 10 mins max how would you have stopped her. I kept reading your answers, eplanations and justifications and I have a real heavy feeling in th pit of my stomach. There are times were as spouses and parents have to go that extra mile to start building a relationship we desire. You stated in one message that your husband was willing to take you all out to bkf but it was too early for you to get up. I often have to ask myself "How impartant is it really"..Is my sleep more important then
getting up to go to bkf. I would have to ask myself just how much did I want to try and build that relationship with the early birds. Have you ever offerred to get up and make a bkf for everyone? Cleanup could be a family affair. Making it a game/fun time by drawing numbers of who got to do what with mom versus dad. I was unable to have children but my husband had 2 sons. The oldest boy called me mom and the youngest called me Julia. There were many challenges bu my hubby really was super. He told the boys immediately that whatever I said was the same as if he said it. He was always supportive in front of the boys but later would discuss with me if he had alternative ideas/ways to appoarch the situation. There were a few times I saw my reaction was not the most supportive for our sons so I would talk to them, addressing the situation in a more caring manner. You mentioned the need to have time with your daughter alone, have you felt the need to spend time with your step daughter alone? If so have you made plans? It might decrease the hurtfulness id a schedule (calendar was made where each child had a day marked and they could pick out what they wanted to do. The choices would be something you and hubby had pre determined. I also picked up the fact that your husband had made plans to escape by himself to watch some movies. This caused me to questioned the possibility that your choice to see movie with daughter may have been more a suttle reaction to his behavior then even a time with your daughter. How many times previously have you ever had special time with your daughter? I know I would be just a kittle frustrated and resentful if my hubby had made arrangements to isolate and watch movies while I had to watch his kids and my own. Please do not get defensive and angry. I am only trying to help you see what possibilites could have been transpiring. I do not know what your beleif system is but if you believe in God prayers would be helpful. Have you consider counseling? When was last time you and hubby had special time for just you? Please try and look at my questions and suggestions as coming from someone who has been a step parent, someone that has dealt with pain that I denied at first, and someone who felt there was no one to turn to. May God bless you and your family. May you find peace and strength to be the best possible you.
getting up to go to bkf. I would have to ask myself just how much did I want to try and build that relationship with the early birds. Have you ever offerred to get up and make a bkf for everyone? Cleanup could be a family affair. Making it a game/fun time by drawing numbers of who got to do what with mom versus dad. I was unable to have children but my husband had 2 sons. The oldest boy called me mom and the youngest called me Julia. There were many challenges bu my hubby really was super. He told the boys immediately that whatever I said was the same as if he said it. He was always supportive in front of the boys but later would discuss with me if he had alternative ideas/ways to appoarch the situation. There were a few times I saw my reaction was not the most supportive for our sons so I would talk to them, addressing the situation in a more caring manner. You mentioned the need to have time with your daughter alone, have you felt the need to spend time with your step daughter alone? If so have you made plans? It might decrease the hurtfulness id a schedule (calendar was made where each child had a day marked and they could pick out what they wanted to do. The choices would be something you and hubby had pre determined. I also picked up the fact that your husband had made plans to escape by himself to watch some movies. This caused me to questioned the possibility that your choice to see movie with daughter may have been more a suttle reaction to his behavior then even a time with your daughter. How many times previously have you ever had special time with your daughter? I know I would be just a kittle frustrated and resentful if my hubby had made arrangements to isolate and watch movies while I had to watch his kids and my own. Please do not get defensive and angry. I am only trying to help you see what possibilites could have been transpiring. I do not know what your beleif system is but if you believe in God prayers would be helpful. Have you consider counseling? When was last time you and hubby had special time for just you? Please try and look at my questions and suggestions as coming from someone who has been a step parent, someone that has dealt with pain that I denied at first, and someone who felt there was no one to turn to. May God bless you and your family. May you find peace and strength to be the best possible you.
I think YOU are missing the point. Everyone on here has said she shouldn't have been discluded, especially if it was in your home. You just don't do that. Now if you want to have one on one special time with each child, then you take them out somewhere while the others stay home with Dad. And Dad should have special one on one times with the kids too. I also agree with the others, you shouldn't have such separation of "his kids" and "my kids". When you marry someone with kids and you have kids you are combining the family and it becomes "our kids". My stepdad met my mom when us kids were all little. He adopted all of us and he's been the only dad I've ever know. He walked me and my sister down the aisle when we got married. He's always been there for us. There were no "her kids". I have a real father somewhere but I don't know him and my stepdad is my dad. I call him dad and he's the best dad I could ever ask for. I don't even call him my stepdad, just my dad.
It's hard enough for a blended family to work but you must work at it and make all the kids feel a part of the family. There should be no separation.
It's hard enough for a blended family to work but you must work at it and make all the kids feel a part of the family. There should be no separation.
You are missing the whole point, I wanted to know if a time out should have been given for the tantrum. Mom's can't be with all kids at one time all the time. If she were my own, at some point, she would be left out of something because kids need one on one time with their mothers. This happened one time only, I include her in everything and she calls me mom and I love it. I understand her feelings were hurt, anyone's would be, but after carrying on for 20 minutes over it, it is time to stop. She gets her way with everything with her dad, he needs to be talked to about including my children and I in his weekend plans with his kids, they go to breakfast by themselves and I am nice enough to understand that he wants time alone with them since he hardly gets to see them, I expect him to understand I need time alone too. I can't tell you how many times I have stressed to him that all the children need to be treated as though they are our own. I want nothing more than that but there are going to be times when I need to devote some time to my kids when his are there, that is life, there is one of me and 4 children and a husband to take care of. I didn't ask the question to be attacked a simple, yes or no to a time out for a tantrum would have been nice. As far as I am concerned when carrying on about hurt feelings turns into a tantrum, then the kid needs to be punished. It isn't like I am saying that she should have had a time out the minute she cried because her feelings were hurt, that is not it at all. I treat my husbands kids more like my own than he does mine, he doesn't do near the amount of interacting with my kids that I do his. I think that my willingness to take his kids on Mother's Day for his ex shows that I am a dang good step mom! Not only that, his ex never wants them for any holiday, I do all the holiday's, their Christmas, Easter, take them trick or treating etc, I am more than stepping up to the plate as their step mom and I should be able to implement punishment when needed as well but he doesn't want me to. Did you also read that his son is autistic, I could have not gone through with the relationship because of that but I was and am willing to do what it takes to help that little boy be all he can be, I love those kids but I am entitled to time alone with my daughter or myself when his kids are there and when a child carries on in a tantrum about anything I think they need a time out, 20 minutes was enough time to get over it and she got to watch the movie the next day with her dad so she didn't miss out on the movie.
let me just say this as a step child there should be no his kids my kids they should all be our kids my step mom treated her kids like the way you are her kids got the attention and when i threw a fit because i wanted attention i got in trouble lucky her dad sticks up for her if you wanted time with your daughter skip a bath on the weekday watch a movie or go for ice cream or soemthing you gotta treat her like shes your own let her watch the movie tune her out too she just a kid shes gonna ask lots of questions some kids do that deal with it i want to tell you please just try to find a way to spend time with your daughter on weekdays when shes not there i know how the little girls feeling it does feel like they dont love you its not drama shes a kid i do think that you should have a talk with her about not throwing tantrums and if she continues to act that way she will need a time out but just try to always include her make her feel apart of the family maybe her mom doesnt give her enough attenion and she just looking for some attention to feel loved you got a long way to go wait till shes a teenager my step mom always made me feel left out and when i got to be a teenager i gave her hell she made my dad move out is that how you want your marraige to go well good luck
My husband had rented movies for him to watch alone, if he can so can I. It was his weekend with his kids so he should have rented one they could watch as well. Both movies he rented were not age appropriate for his kids. This was one time that she was excluded from a movie, just because she is there doesn't mean she has to be included in everything, people need time alone. His daughter asks questions during every movie through the whole thing, she never stops talking, I ask her nicely over and over and her dad tunes it out. I am actually a very nice step mother, I sit and answer the what seems like 900 questions every weekend that we have them and I wanted to watch a movie and be able to listen for once. It would be nice to watch one during the week but there is homework and dinner and baths for my own children and chores and I go to bed early because I get up at 4:30 in the morning and by the time all is done, it is to late for me to stay up to watch a movie, and we have our kids on the same weekens so there is not a weekend when his kids are not there for me to do that with mine. His son is also autistic and when I have told him to dicipline his kids for something they have done bad, he tells me I am not their mother but he expects me to be the mother when we go to church because I am the one who sits in the class to keep control of the autistic one because he dosen't want to do it. You have all misjudged me because his daughter was excluded one time from a movie that she was allowed to watch the next day with her dad. All I wanted to know is if she should have had a time out for carrying on for 20 minutes about not getting to watch it, I understand her feelings were hurt and that she was going to cry but when she starts the drama of "they don't love me" and carries on and on and is told to stop, then she needs to be punished. I have been remarried for a year and a half and this is the 1st time she has been excluded. I spend a lot of time with her and her mom dumped them off on me for Mother's Day and I did all the mommy work, I want a little back up from my husband and him to understand that sometimes I need a break and that sometimes something I want to do with my kids is not going to include his, he gets up early on the weekends and takes his kids to breakfast we are welcome to come but they get up at 7:00 am and we like to sleep later, but he won't wait. So, I think if he wants his daughter included all the time then everyone else should be even if that means waiting for the others to get up. To "JDTM" it does not teach my daughter to be selfish, have you not heard child experts say to spend some quality alone time with each of your children? My husbands kids get more of my attention than my own kids do and his are only there every other weekend but they are only 7 & 8 and are more maintanence and need more attention, the older ones can entertain themselves and the weekdays are just to busy for one on one time with them. I didn't post this to have you all judge me and tell me I was a bad step-parent, I just wanted to know if a time out should have been given for the tantrum. It doesn't matter what the tantrum was for, it was a tantrum all the same.
Poor kid. She feels unwelcome and unwanted. I would have cried too. How can you be so callous and unfeeling? Do you think this child has no feelings? I agree with your husband. Your alone time with you daughter should be when your stepdaughter is not around. Be glad she wants to be with you. She may get to the point where she stops caring but you really don't want to see her get to that point because that means her spirit has been totally crushed by then.
Agree with jdtm
Excluding your step daughter was very childish and outright cruel.
Giving time-out for the tantrum is pretty pointless as well
Excluding your step daughter was very childish and outright cruel.
Giving time-out for the tantrum is pretty pointless as well
My daughter wanted time with just me so I told my step daughter that she would need to find something else to do -- your words
Your stepdaughter is 7 years old. Reread your words - how do you suppose you would have reacted at 7 years of age? I agree with this child's father - frankly, if you had behaved as a considerate and caring adult, this situation would not have occurred. I feel you owe this child an apology and you need to rethink your relationship with this stepdaughter. By the way, by not including your stepdaughter in the viewing of the movie with everyone, you are teaching your own daughter to be selfish. Just my two cents .....
Your stepdaughter is 7 years old. Reread your words - how do you suppose you would have reacted at 7 years of age? I agree with this child's father - frankly, if you had behaved as a considerate and caring adult, this situation would not have occurred. I feel you owe this child an apology and you need to rethink your relationship with this stepdaughter. By the way, by not including your stepdaughter in the viewing of the movie with everyone, you are teaching your own daughter to be selfish. Just my two cents .....
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