Violent 3 year old

[Angelique27]

I have a little boy that has just turned 3. and his behavior is getting worse by the day..I am a stay at home mom and his father works all day. He screams, kicks, throws a fit if he doesn't get his own way. He will randomly walk up to someone and kick or hit them and just walk away.Just today I caught him trying to strangle our family cat. I don't know what I should do? I definately don't believe this is normal what do I do?

[indigo39]

I don't think this is a deep issue here.  You may have tension with your husband, but toddlers are more about immediate fun and results. Hitting someone gets attention, therefore it must be done, in their minds.
My son went through the same thing, and still has times when we struggle with it.  What got him to stop was to tell him that doing that (yelling or hitting) is just NOT allowed.  Not only is it 'not nice', it's just not acceptable.  Anytime he hits, I'd try an immediate time-out, no discussion, no questions on why he did it - just straight to time-out.  I also have my son go apologize to his 'victim' (even our cat!) immediately after time-out, and only then do we talk about why it was wrong.  It's getting a lot better, so maybe this could help you? Good luck.

[Ortarx]

I suppose it could be, I mean if there is tension it does rub off on the house.  My dog back home goes under my parents bed when any fighting breaks out, he could be lashing out because it is upsetting.  I would have a serious talk with dad and try to get a compromise together so that you and he both have some kind of guide lines for punishments.  It is important for both parents to be involved.  You might even concider taking a traditional role where one or the other is the tough one and the other is the understanding but still stern one.  (My dad was not one you wanted involved in an argument)  How is your relationship with your husband?  Are you guys growing apart?  Do one or the other of you feel as if the relationship is boring now that you have a kid to take care of?  Is the responsibility wearing on you?  Were you both ready to be parents when you had him?  How often do you get a break just to have you time and us time?  If your son senses that there is tension between you two and if for any reason he blames himself or thinks its because of him he may lash out in anger with a what did I do mentality.

[Angelique27]

He again says he doesn't know. I am really frusterated by his behavior and I know some of it is him seeking more attention regardless of wether or not it is positive or negative. All day long today he has been on a extremely structured schedule. I am trying to teach him that behavior does in fact have consequences. You see my husband and I haven't been on how do you say a united front on the way he is diciplined so there really hasn't been any consistancy other than with me durring the day. I am wondering if the beginings of mine and my husbands relationship where things were really loud verbally and sometimes physical , my son was just an infant at the time. We have since then worked on our marriage. We just can't seem together on the raising of our son. So, I know unless we can agree on how are boy is raised there will always be that underlying..thought that I can get away with things when I am with daddy..Maybe the tension lately in the house has triggered his more recent behavior ...what do you think? Could that be why he is acting out so badly?

[Ortarx]

Hum... that is odd.  I know you asked him about the cat but what does he say when you asked him why he just hit someone and screams?

[Angelique27]

He will be playing in his room and then just walk out and hurt someone and it is around everyone. It's not just family, as far as him being in control I am really not sure. It seems like he is having fun then all of a sudden he gets this bright idea to walk out and kick or hit or randomly scream at someone.

[Ortarx]

When he does this kind of behavior is it around you and family or around everyone?  And when he does do it does it seem like he is doing it without being the one in controle or that he is conciously doing it?

[Angelique27]

I have tried the method of a little physical consiquence, he crys and says he is sorry I explain to him that it isn't nice, and why, then he will stop for a few days then start in again. I have also decided to limit his t.v. to the pbs stations and programs like barney, and curious george. So, as far as how he is disciplined I have tried the time out. It doesn't work so well with him he screams and jumps up and refuses to follow direction. He is a very intelligent 3 year old, and I am feeling like I need to go back to work so that he can socialize with other children. As far as the cat goes, I asked him why he did it and he said he didn't know. He made the "I'm so frusterated" noise while he was doing it. He immediately started crying and said I am sorry I hurt her feelings meaning the cat. But I don't think he realizes that he could have really hurt her. So in essence he didn't really say why he did it just that he didn't know.

[Ortarx]

Violence is a scarry thing to deal with, especially if they are young.  Take a good look at where he is getting these ideas from, could it be tv? Could it be some toys? Could it be other people he sees?  Also how are  you trying to teach him that it is wrong to do such behavior?  I am a firm believer that a time out is not good enough in some cases.  Have you concidered honestly using some small kind of physical contact to teach him?  Not hit him or beat him or anything but for example if he just walks up to you and kicks then walks away you have you ever gave him a small kick back (enough to hurt but not enough to be mean) and asked him how he felt about it?  Really the golden rule is an amazing thing, if you bring that into play and use it as a tool you can do so much to teach.  Never be mean to a child, but ask the hard question... do you like me kicking or hitting you because I feel like it?  And see how he responds.  As far as the cat goes did you ask him why he did it and if so what did he say?