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Visiting her dad
My daughter is 3 and her father wasn't active in her life up until these past few months. Recently her dad has been getting her every other weekend friday to Sunday. Whenever her father and grandmother would see her they have always given her everything she wants and never make her do anything stuctured. At my house she has a routine and she has to make sure she learns to pick up after herself and no treats until she eats dinner and does what she has to do.
Lately she will ask for things and if she doesn't get what she wants from me she will cry and tell me she wants to go with her dad. I've explained to her she can't do that but she keeps doing it. Even more since she is seeing him more. I've also tried to talked to her father and he just tells me he will do things the way he wants to.
What do I do?
Lately she will ask for things and if she doesn't get what she wants from me she will cry and tell me she wants to go with her dad. I've explained to her she can't do that but she keeps doing it. Even more since she is seeing him more. I've also tried to talked to her father and he just tells me he will do things the way he wants to.
What do I do?
I couldn't disagree with your more on what you wrote. But I will leave it at that.
If he was out of his life for that long then what I would think is that he does not love his child as he should. The same thing happened with my ex and he now longer has any visitation rights due to being in and out of my childs life. If someone loves their child they stop at nothing to see them.
With my son, the situation used to be reversed. He is with me the vast majority of time and I have always treated him with respect and an open mind for his needs so when I needed to steer him into certain behaviors, I worked on it for a while until he would see the importance of them, basically learning by natural consequences. It seemed like a lenient approach but it is actually not.
His dad on the other hand is the great disciplinarian and my son was simply not used being treated so harsh and bossy while there was never any really close bond between the two. So he was in opposition and his dad came after me for a long time for "doing everything wrong". He had a hard time as my son would say: "I want to be with mommy". We tried to find a compromise between parenting styles but opinions and feelings are hard to change.
This little story has nothing really to do with your situation - I just wanted to point out that time may resolve the issue for you too, so don`t be too frustrated: by age 4 our son was finally ready to distinguish between the two households and follow separate methods of rule enforcing. Eventually he could see beyond his dad`s harsh surface and enjoy the time with him. I am sure your daughter will get there too and value her Mom for her consistency and predictability. I mainly feel soryy for my son having had to deal with this situation but he mastered it. Be optimistic and yes, keep communicating with your Ex, it helps to some degree.
His dad on the other hand is the great disciplinarian and my son was simply not used being treated so harsh and bossy while there was never any really close bond between the two. So he was in opposition and his dad came after me for a long time for "doing everything wrong". He had a hard time as my son would say: "I want to be with mommy". We tried to find a compromise between parenting styles but opinions and feelings are hard to change.
This little story has nothing really to do with your situation - I just wanted to point out that time may resolve the issue for you too, so don`t be too frustrated: by age 4 our son was finally ready to distinguish between the two households and follow separate methods of rule enforcing. Eventually he could see beyond his dad`s harsh surface and enjoy the time with him. I am sure your daughter will get there too and value her Mom for her consistency and predictability. I mainly feel soryy for my son having had to deal with this situation but he mastered it. Be optimistic and yes, keep communicating with your Ex, it helps to some degree.
That is what happens in our home sometimes too. We have my Fiance's children every other weekend, and he pretty much lets them get away with what ever they want. It's not because he wants to make their mom out to be the "bad guy" it's just he is trying to make up for not being able to be in their lives day in and day out. He talks to them twice a day, everyday, but that is just not enough for a father who loves their child unconditionally. Just yesterday he was talking to his 7 year old daughter, and she began to cry. He asked her what was wrong, she went on to tell him that she had left her moms cell phone out in the rain, on the trampoline, the day before, and it no longer worked and that her mom was making her pay for it. My Fiance' proceeds to ask his daughter how much the phone cost, and how much she had to earn to pay her mom back... she said $60, of course my Fiance' immediatly said... "well Daddy will pay for it, don't worry honey, accidents happen". I told him after he got off the phone with her that he was being totally unfair to her mother by NOT speaking to her mother first. There is a good reason why she is making her daughter earn the money to pay for the phone, and he did not even discuss the issue with his ex wife. Of course he went on to say "she is ONLY 7, not 17, not 27, not 37... she is only 7, she is a kid she gets side tracked".
He would have done the same thing, the same way if they lived under the same roof. He spoils his kids rotten. I have one on the way and I am DETERMINED not to let him do that to her. She will learn to pick up after herself, and she will learn respect, and as soon as she can comprehend these things she will learn all about responsibility. His 7 year old know that if she put her battery operated doll in the bath tub, that it will short out and break... she knows what happens with electronics, and water. If she is old enough to use a cellphone, then she is old enough to take responsibility for what happens to the phone, if she is neglegent.
My Fiance' will not make his daughters eat something that they "don't like" either. And trust me that changes like the wind. One day they LOVE their peas, then the next they HATE them. My daughter will be raised different from that. She will eat what is provided for her.. she WILL NOT have a choice between 4 or 5 different meals.. I only intend to cook ONE. It's frustrating to say the least.
It sounds like your ex is trying to make up for lost time with her. I honestly do not feel that he is trying to make you out to be the bad guy.. I think he is trying to earn points with his daughter. Keep communicating to him. He should respect the way you are raising her, and he needs to start RIGHT NOW. Give him a routine, write it out for him. That is what my Fiance's ex did for us. My Fiance' would not follow it, but I asked her to e-mail me a copy, and now the kids follow their "list" before going to be. I thought it was silly at first, but I now know that kids do need a structured life. It teaches them how to be responsible, and how to help take care of themselves. Like making sure they brush their teeth EVERY night. Urgh, now that is a job!
He would have done the same thing, the same way if they lived under the same roof. He spoils his kids rotten. I have one on the way and I am DETERMINED not to let him do that to her. She will learn to pick up after herself, and she will learn respect, and as soon as she can comprehend these things she will learn all about responsibility. His 7 year old know that if she put her battery operated doll in the bath tub, that it will short out and break... she knows what happens with electronics, and water. If she is old enough to use a cellphone, then she is old enough to take responsibility for what happens to the phone, if she is neglegent.
My Fiance' will not make his daughters eat something that they "don't like" either. And trust me that changes like the wind. One day they LOVE their peas, then the next they HATE them. My daughter will be raised different from that. She will eat what is provided for her.. she WILL NOT have a choice between 4 or 5 different meals.. I only intend to cook ONE. It's frustrating to say the least.
It sounds like your ex is trying to make up for lost time with her. I honestly do not feel that he is trying to make you out to be the bad guy.. I think he is trying to earn points with his daughter. Keep communicating to him. He should respect the way you are raising her, and he needs to start RIGHT NOW. Give him a routine, write it out for him. That is what my Fiance's ex did for us. My Fiance' would not follow it, but I asked her to e-mail me a copy, and now the kids follow their "list" before going to be. I thought it was silly at first, but I now know that kids do need a structured life. It teaches them how to be responsible, and how to help take care of themselves. Like making sure they brush their teeth EVERY night. Urgh, now that is a job!
He just didn't want to see her. He couldn't handle the seperation. He was also using drugs and drinking a lot.
First, what is the reasoning he hasn''t seen her for so long. Did he just not want? You can not make him change but thats what they do. They do that so you will look like the bad guy and not them. Do you guys have custody set in place?
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