help me out

[help617]

I have a grilfrind of 3 years she has 2 kids one 13 and 9 she also is pregnet with mmy child the problem i have is with her son he dose have add/adhd he is takeing meds for it and seeing a dr also.i undrstand that he has problems.i know that that effcts his develomint.but the problem is he uses that to his advantage,he lies at home and in school,hes lazy at school and at home,he yells at his sister and mother disrespects me.we ask him to take the dog out to go to the bathroom at 5pm still at 7pm no dog takenout ill end up doing it.he will not take responsabilty for his actions,it gets to the point that when we go out its embarassing he always casues a scence.when we have friends over it ten times worse to the point wher they dont want to come over any more.we ask him to clean his room he starts his yelling.the same with school,the mouth that he has is foul when i do lay the law down he tells me "your not my father you cant tell me what to do!"and when he yells at his mom ill say hey men dont talk to women like that show some respect ill get "shes my mother ill talk to her any way i want"and you cany do sh** bout it.when he fights with his sister its the same he gets up right in her face screms at her pushes her down.every thing has to be his way or no way at all.i have tryed to reach out to him he has no intrest in sports at all all he wants to do is play video games.when his mom grounds him and takes thing away from him its not fun he will go on with his mouth.now i have looked at the whole problem from out side the box what i think is he has no regared for athorhty what so ever or adults has no respect for elders at all,to me he has to be the one in charge.i have talked to my grilfriend about this i can see she is very exsausted with the whole thing.when we watch tv its what he wants he has a tv in his room i like to come from work and watch the news.he has a problem with that hell say you did not pay for the tv so why should you watch it littel dose he know i pay the bill for the tv.some times the things he says to me you would only hear from adults.can any one help

[RockRose]

I got your rude private message.

The thing is,  it really does look like you're looking for help here and you really don't understand this dynamic,  but I feel like you are a chasm away and you won't agree with/even really understand my perspective.  

It sounds like when you came into their lives,  they were decently comfortable.  Not perfect,  but they had worked out a routine and a family pattern that worked.  The girl had the mother's attention in the evening,  and the boy had a lot of freedom to enjoy the TV in the living room and vent steam from his day - having ADHD and taking meds causes a lot of mood swings and difficult social problems,  and his days are probably pretty prickly and difficult.  Before,  he was given a lot of slack.

Now with you there,  you've taken up a lot of the mother's time from the girl,  and the mother is now pregnant,  and you're taken the freedom and man of the house freedom from the boy.  Both have suffered losses.    And it is pretty clear to the boy you don't like him (probably few adults,   and extremely few male adults act in a positive way toward this child) and you are one more disapproving adult and worse you are living in his home changing the tv channel and disciplining him.  

And now,  to make matters absolutely unworkable,  you two have created a baby and now you can't leave now that this is really a very very difficult living situation.  You are stuck.  And I do understand in this whole picture,  you've suffered too.  You are now stuck in a situation where you are very unhappy with the children who live there,  although you still want the woman and baby.

The girl will outgrow this.  In a few years she won't want to be around her mother.  Although honestly,  the clingy very loving behavior may be replaced by something worse.

The boy won't outgrow this.  He will have harder and harder challenges as late teen years come on,  and your dislike of him will intensive and his anger that you are in the home will also intensify.

The mother will become more and more exhausted - she will have a 3rd child to care for,  and the stresses that her oldest son once caused her will multiply as he becomes more difficult as a reaction to your presence,  and your pressure increases on her to make him behave,  an impossible task.  Looking into her future,  I wouldn't want to be her.

The only thing you can do here to change this is to change your attitude about the children.  Pretend to like them.  Just pretend.  Say nice things about them - hey I saw you got an 80 in math,  great.     Whatever you can think of that's positive,  say it and mean it.  

Right now,  you only represent a loss to them.  You may react with feelings like kids should always be respectful,  etc.,  but that doesn't help.

If you actually want to IMPROVE THE HOMELIFE,  just walk around acting like you like them.  That's your only role anyway,  you aren't their father and they resent you.

I see the courtroom in her future too,  help,  but it's divorce court.  And then she'll be with some other guy who doesn't like her two children,  and doesn't like yours either.

And that's honestly good advice.  Take it or leave it - if you take it,  in two years your home life will be tolerable.  If you continue like this,  it will be hell.

[specialmom]

Maybe you should refer to your below bottom posts.  Pretty much the same advice.  Sorry you don't like her kids.  You knew that ahead of time.