How do I help my 4 year old who has refused to wear clothes since she was 1?

[zebcat]

Since my daughter was 1 she has absolutely hated the feeling of any type of clothes. We have been through various ups and downs, at one point we were able to get her to wear pyjamas, and there was a period in the summer we could get a loose shirt on her. But at the moment she wont have anything near her accept a soft blanket that she will have around her shoulders. Sometimes when we have to go somewhere or on the days she has to be in preschool we will force a pair of loose trousers and a tshirt on her (no pants, socks etc), she will struggle and cry for a long time but once she is at pre-school she usually gives in and has a really fun day, she keeps her clothes on until we get home again. If my husband has already gone to work and I am on my own I will take her to school in a buggy wrapped up in a blanket and put her clothes on once we are there - she seems to accept wearing clothes a little better once we get somewhere, although this morning I had to leave her with her keyworker trousers half on and arms inside her top. She can't stand the straps of the car seat and for a very long time we didn't go anywhere in the car, now I've had to give in to something that upsets me but it's the only way I've found - I allow her to watch her programmes on the ipad and this sometimes (not always) will distract her enough to get somewhere. We have been managing this for 3 years now, I also have two other children and I feel bad for them. We are all exhausted by it as it affects everything we do which involves leaving the house! If I ever get enough clothes on her to get out of the house I'm so tired of hearing from people "ooo no shoes, isn't she cold?" - I just feel like crying - you don't know what I've been through, or she's been through just to get some clothes on! In the house, my daughter is the most happy, bright and funny little girl, she loves cuddling so has no issue with touch, just the feeling of clothes. I'm going to try and seek professional help but I don't think we'll get a referral for an occupational therapist or anything as there are no other issues at all and we are getting by, just absolutely sick of it! I've tried to search online for people with similar problems but it seems other children will 'only wear certain clothes' - I'd love her to wear certain clothes - I'd love her to wear anything!!

[RockRose]

I agree with the others,  and would suggest you go online to clothing websites for tactile defensiveness.  There are many companies who offer extremely soft,  seamless and tagless clothes and socks.  What has worked for some (surprisingly!) is uniformly tight clothing,  like bicycle shorts and underarmour shirts that hold the child snugly.  If you have a sporting goods store you could go try on some of those things and see how she reacts.  

[specialmom]

Yes, that is absolutely true.  Many kids with sensory issues like to be squeezed and compression clothing has that affect. They make compression shirts and pants.  Weighted vests are often very soothing to kids but not something most want to wear around . . .  but this is an alternative giving a good squeeze.  My son is a mixed bag and does not like things tight on him so resisted compression clothing but absolutely, many kids do respond well to it.  And definitely look into clothing without tags or noticeable seams.  Material likes and dislikes too. My son has a friend who won't leave the house without long pants and jean material on even if it is 100 degrees.  Verses my son who is immediately uncomfortable in that firm type of material.  So, trial and error.  I have spent a bit of money making purchases to try things . . . but once you figure out what they like, you are good to go to make similar purchases they'll actually wear.  good luck

[Sandman2]

Because of her experience, Specialmom is our sensory expert.  And, she has a ton of experiences that she could share.  But, she would have to write a book to do so because you really are at the starting gate.  Getting to an OT is super important!   There are resources on the internet that can give you more information.  The best I have found is  here - https://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/
   Its a site with a ton of information.  You certainly want to check out "Getting a diagnosis" and  "tactile defensiveness".  
   Oh, I am a bit surprised your child's pediatrician has not been more helpful.  If for any reason he/she is reluctant to do a referral, try and find another one.  
  Best wishes and keep in touch to let us know how things are going.

[zebcat]

We are in the UK - the criteria for getting a referral is pretty tough I think I've just assumed we wont get one but I will try and talk to our GP about it. I hadn't heard of the term 'tactile defensiveness' so will do some research on this as well as sensory processing disorder. Many thanks for your response.

[specialmom]

Have you ever heard of tactile defensiveness?  That is extreme sensitivity to various things that touch us.  Like clothes.  My son actually has this as well.  He has sensory integration disorder.  Oh my gosh, socks and shirts can be a challenge!  My honest feedback here is to look into sensory integration disorder and have her evaluated by an occupational therapist that specializes in it.  We did the brushing protocol which really desensitized him.  I can tell you how to do it but think it's best for you to see an OT for true help.  At 4, other issues may be there but not showing clearly.  Most doctors do not mind giving a referral to a specialist, what is to them?  And an occupational therapist will guide you best.  Now, I do think you may have to pay for part or all of the evaluation.  I can't remember, but think I did.  But it is worth it.

So, for clothing, we instituted rules.  I first was careful what I purchased.  Socks---  I found socks with no seams.  We tried several until there was a kind he'd wear.  Then I bought gobs of pairs.  Luckily he liked an easy to purchase kind from Target more than the expensive ones sold online for sensory kids.  He still, to this day, will NOT wear socks or anything on his feet at home.  It can be 0 degrees out and he'll complain he has cold feet.  But no, will not wear anything on the in the house.  But we made a rule during the preschool years that when he left the house, he had to wear socks. It's a rule.  He has to follow it.  For shirts, he's super picky.  No tags is obvious but the material also must be soft and the sleeve and neck must be in the exact right place.  I've wasted money on clothes he WILL NOT wear.  sigh.  But I tried different materials and always wash wash wash until they are soft.  And once I find something he likes, I buy more of the same.  Pants have always been tricky, no jeans or rough/thick/hard material.  He will wear athletic pants.  Or shorts.  But lots of sensory kids don't want anything on their skin or are the opposite and don't want their skin to see daylight.  

But it really helped to make being naked (or shoeless, shirtless, etc.) not an option.  The rule is you have to wear clothes.  That's it.  I know that seems like I'm just saying this----  but I instituted rules as the law and it is hard if they fight it.  But you keep firm to the rule.  She is taking clothes off, you are putting back on. Even if you have to dress her.  And praising her when she will wear ANYTHING willingly.  

My guess is that she does have other sensory issues that you are not currently aware of.  There is also the social implication of this. If she takes her clothes off during a play date, she'll likely not be invited back.  :>)  

PS:  my son is now 14. Still no socks in the house.  But otherwise dressed at all times.  :>)  

[zebcat]

Thank you so much! This is what I'm battling with at the moment - whether to try to make her wear clothes ALL the time so there is no option. Some people I talk to seem to think this is a good idea and others say to let her go and that home is her safe place where she should be allowed to be comfortable. I just want to feel that I'm doing the right thing by my little girl. At the times we have decided to be firm and insist that she must wear clothes even around the house she becomes so distressed, she screams and becomes 'itchy' and will start scratching and rubbing her skin, she become even more sensitive to anything touching her once she is stressed and so even things like a blanket she wont be able to bear touching her. If we force clothes onto her she will continually take them off and the only way to keep them on is to literally hold them on her. She is so beside herself, screaming, sobing, frantic. We get to the point that I am so so worried all of this is just going to exasperate the problem more and give her even more of an issue with clothes that we stop and end up letting her go naked again. I just want to know that it's OK to keep going, that I'm not going to give her more of a problem if I keep on and on putting her clothes back on (this would basically be forcing each limb into them :,( again and again  ) and the tears and stress will subside eventually. The thing is in the back of my head I just think this isn't like a normal battle with a child, it's not because say she doesn't like the look of it and will realise I mean what I say and eventually wear it anyway, or like when they wont eat their tea and you just tell them it's that or nothing and eventually they eat it! She just seems to get worse and worse the firmer I am. I'm so confused! But it totally makes sense that she should have to wear clothes all the time, and this would take away the difficult transitions when we are leaving the house - I just don't know how to get her to this point.

There's also things like after she's washed her hands she can't bear the feeling that they are not dry enough - I stupidly let her dry them with the hair dryer and now she has to do this everytime and for every bit of her body - is it OK to indulge things like this or should I be saying no? If I let her do it she stays calm, there's no tears and we move on very quickly, if I don't she'll roll around crying and scratching the parts of her body that are wet (or not but in her mind) for a very very long time.

BUT this is not all the time. She doesn't do it at school And she doesn't do it if my older children have friends over and she wants to join in - she seems to be able to manage her problems then.

[specialmom]

At 4, it's appropriate for her to wear clothes at all times.  :>)  I lean toward your having a rule.  Because having such rules take out the room for arguing.  She can have some control by your giving her choices of what she can wear.   A night gown?  shorts and soft t shirt?  Etc.  I would not give into her tantruming.  She manages at school.  She can manage at home.  That you have given in before, that prolongs the problem.  It's not like socks.  

And the hand washing . . . guess what?  That was one of the first things we noticed with our son.  He freaked out after hand washing at preschool.  Wet hands drove him crazy!  He had flight or fight response.  We couldn't change the rules at the preschool and say 'ah, he doesn't have to wash his hands" so we had to teach him coping skills.  Used them at home and at school.  

I really think you need the help of an occupational therapy. Does she have any texture issues when eating?

And a hallmark sign of sensory issues is that things that make no sense to others can cause huge distress for the one with sensory issues.  

But my son was given firm boundaries and rules on the basics. I'd put wearing clothes in that category as a basic rule of life.  To this day, he is rule bound.  It has kind of helped us keep him on track in many ways. good luck

[zebcat]

Thank you. We are going to try and put some more rules in place about wearing  clothes and be more consistent, I think knowing that this is an OK approach for a child with sensory issues will help give us the conviction we need. Thank you x

[specialmom]

Yes.  With my son, I felt like he needed to have similar rules and lifestyle to the rest of the world.  As in, I want him to be able to acclimate and live as normally as possible.  Does that make sense?  And some things are not socially acceptable so those were things rules were created for.  Other things that mattered less, I do not bother with.  (that he doesn't like his food mixed and will eat nothing that is all clumped together on a plate.  lol  I can deal with that).  Let us know how things go so we can help along the way!