fiancee's daughter

[apollo5953]

I am engaged to a man who has a 7 year old daughter. She was living with her mother out of state up until she was 5 then moved here to stay with her dad. Her mom rarely calls and only comes to see her about twice a year. My concern is that she exhibits odd behavior that i haven't seen before. She is overly obedient, but only with her father. For instance when daddy is around she speaks in a sweet baby voice and is a perfect angel. The second he leaves her voice tone goes down to a normal tone and she acts up . If daddy asks her what flavor icecream she wants she replies "What ever kind you want me to have, daddy", same goes for any other decision."What do you want to be for Halloween?" "Whatever you want me to be Daddy". she seems to have no opinion of her own and children are usually filled with nothing but opinion. She also lies to manipulate him into thinking she's perfect. For instance, Daddy loves her hair long and she knows this, one day she told me she wanted to cut her hair short so that night I was telling her dad he should let me take her to have her hair cut. When he called her in to ask her if she wanted it cut she lied and told him she never said that to me. Right in front of me!!! she has done that several times she'll lie straight to my face knowing very well I know she's lying just to make sure daddy thinks she's perfect. when it's really something daddy doesn't really care about. She will say mean horrible things to my son under her breathe so daddy can't hear and then call out in a really sweet voice, really sweet things to my son so that daddy hears her say that. she does these things all the time. She doesn't seem to be interested in forming any relationship to me or anyone else. It seems she feels that it would be almost like she's being unfaithful in some way to her daddy. I also invited her to go to Disney World with me and my son this summer when I asked her if she wanted to go she replied "Only if Daddy wants me to". He later told her he wasn't going to have the money and she said "okay, daddy" and was fine with it not one bit upset or whinning. Next day when he was gone she cried, when he got home she said she wasn't crying and that she wanted to stay home with him instead of going to Disney World. Is it me or is this behavior wierd?

[specialmom]

Agree.   This poor little girl has had a tremendous amount of upheaval in her young life and probably finds it hard to believe internally that this is a stable situation to stay.  

I think the best role for you is one of loving support.  good luck.  My heart goes out to this little girl.

[RockRose]

I completely agree with allmymarbles and sandman.

This girl has lost her mother,  and is hanging on to her dad for dear life.

I think she needs family counseling,  where her dad can communicate to her that he loves her no matter what,  and she doesn't have to be perfect.  That he won't dump her like her mother did.

[Sandman2]

  I agree with Allmymarbles, its not weird for the situation she is in.  Its really not that weird for a 7 year old girl (that's still a pretty young age).  This is someone who has probably been rejected by her mother (or she wouldn't be there).  That has got to hurt - a lot.  You don't get over that easily.  I would think that until she feels safe in this environment, this behavior could continue.  Within limits, I would certainly try to include her as much as possible (it sounds you have been trying this).  Bringing together two families is not easy.  Its even harder when one person kind of got thrust into the middle of it all.   And definitely try and work together with your fiance to help her.  I do think, as allmymarbles said, that a lot of this has to do with her anxiety.

[allmymarbles]

She has been rejected by one parent and is afraid of being rejected by the other. This is the root cause of her behavior. Its manifestation is less important. You might discuss it in this context with her father. If you put it to him correctly, without putting any blame on the child, together you might be able to relieve some of the little girl's anxiety.