Help with 6 yr old behavior? Is this normal?

[mountbike2]

So, my husband and I have some concerns about our daughter. She is extremely bright. She does great in the classroom, extremely self-motivated and attentive and focused.  However, she has been doing a "stimming" behavior since she was 4. She stretches her arms wide & clenches her fists. She seems to do this when excited, playing or reading. The Neurologist tested her and everything was normal. She also talks excessively loud to herself at home when not playing w/ her younger sibling.  She has a big imagination so I thought it was part of her creativity but now she talks in the bathroom, etc. We don't think she has ASD because she does socialize fine, and has good eye contact. I do not think she is autistic because she can stop the stim immediately. Everything else is very normal. She does have a hard time playing sometimes w/ her friends b/c she is competitive and likes to follow the rules. She has a hard time resolving conflict with her friends and she is more sensitive than others. My husband & extended family are VERY supportive, loving and spiritual. We are scared to take her to a professional because she is so aware of things that she would think something is really wrong.  My husband and family think that her high intelligence causes a lot of these behaviors because ahe is not getting stimulated enough?  She is a big thinker and extremely aware of the world around her but still immature (ie cries, etc). She is very involved in sports, school, community, etc and enjoys being around people. I just don't understand the stims, excessive talk, conflict with friends, etc. Also, lately she has a fear of fire (thinking that there is a candle still burning in the house before she goes to bed). Please advise. Thanks.

[specialmom]

In all honesty, I think you have to get over your own embarressment for her actions.  In general, 6 year olds do not really enjoy going out to lunch with adults.  That she started doing some 'contorting' or stimming and talking to herself, etc. is normal in my mind for a child trying to entertain herself.  My kids break into pretend sword fights, light saber fights, act out bowser jr. playing tennis, all kinds of goofy stuff when they are bored and they are a little older than 6.  

I understand what it is like that something is wrong. BUT< if she IS stimming, don't try to deter her because it hits your hot button of worry or embarresses you.  Embrace it because your child is doing what her body needs at that moment.  My son would spin.  He'd **** his head to one side and hold his arms in this odd posture and then just spin and spin. We decided to just call it dancing.  I made the mistake early on trying to stop him because it looked 'weird' or didn't seem normal.  Well, it was calming to my child.  Why would I stop that?  Instead, we'd put on music and let him spin away and 'dance'.

good luck

[mountbike2]

I do not think it is aspergers because she has good eye contact and is social. Could it be sensory where she needs more stimulation?

[mountbike2]

So, we just got back from a trip to California. My husband and I were sitting with 2 adults for lunch. My 6 yr old finished her food and decided to turn her back, talk to herself, and begin "stimming" (stretches her arms out). The couple thought she was crazy. When I pulled my daughter to the side, she said she was just pretending and telling herself stories. I told her she can do this at home, but not in public.  Caught her doing this while sitting in church. I ask her pediatrician, and she thinks it is normal. Any ideas?

[Sandman2]

    Once again, great ideas by specialmom.   I just want to add that a timeout is a consequence and she probably doesn't like it - which is why it doesn't go over well with her.   A timeout should be short and immediate.
   Taking things away work great - IF- its an immediate take away and for a short period of time (not a week for example)
    The interesting thing with really intelligent kids is that they learn very quickly through trial and error to manipulate things to their advantage.  And one way to do that is to make any punishment seem like it it not working.   One thing you can do is when you see something happening that you know will not lead to good things is to give her a choice.  One choice leads to a timeout or some other consequence and the other choice is for her to stop what she is doing or change it.  And this is where modeling can be very helpful (also a good distraction).

[specialmom]

A good way to work on peer relations is one on one playdates at your home.  You stay close by and see where she needs help.  If her behavior doesn't allow for her friend to be happy playing with her then this is a problem and you set up rules.  Talk about what it takes to be a good friend. Talk about making her friend feel good by feeling like she gets to go first sometimes. gets to win sometimes, gets to pick the game sometimes.  We have a rule that kids get to take turns choosing what they do at our house.  And if my son becomes inflexible, volatile and emotional---- I help him with cues to change the behavior and if that doesn't work, he must leave the room.  Sometimes though when things are really bad . . .  I bring out the big guns like brownies or cookies AND change the atmosphere that way.  Or I get involved in their play and help make it go more smoothly.  

Give her loads of attention when she handles little things without emotion and when she is emotional, have a rule she must go to a quiet spot to calm herself away from everyone.  It's not meant as punishment but that she needs to learn that crying for something other than a big thing is not age appropriate.  Again, work on modeling how to handle things.  That means to act it out.  Ask her which way is better to handle a situation and act one out.  Drop something on the floor like an accident and act out getting all emotional about it and then act out an appropriate response.  Have her tell you which one is better.  Then have her act something out.  

good luck

[mountbike2]

Thanks for everyone's comments. I am really hard on myself as a parent, and it's nice that there's a supportive forum like this.  So, my daughter doesn't seem to do well with timeouts. Consequences seem to work better (ie taking away screen time). How can I help her to be less emotional over little things? Should I start a reward chart? Also, it is difficult for her teacher to know how she is doing at recess because there are tons of kids outside during that time & it is difficult to monitor.  I don't want to keeping asking because then I just annoy her. She has a tough time resolving conflict with friends ( ie one kid wants to play a different game then her). Should my husband and I role play recess situations?  I bought the American Girl book that talks about friendships and that seems to help. What other things besides loving her and being supportive, can I do to boost her confidence? Thanks again to all of you.

[Sandman2]

      I agree with specialmom.  A 6 year old is still very much an open book.  Role playing, modeling, etc can help fill in those pages.  
     I would talk to her classroom teacher.  Don't talk about her grades or academic behavior.  Ask the teacher about her.  What is she like on the playground?  How does she relate in the classroom?  Does she talk to herself in class?  Even at 6, kids usually figure out when its safe to have imaginary discussions.  In other words, you want to know if the things you worry about at home are also going on in school.  Don't ask specific questions of the teacher until she has had a chance to just talk about your child.  My guess (hope) is that she is a very creative child who feels safe enough at home to let her imagination loose.
   Do let us know what happens next.  Best wishes.

[specialmom]

Oh, one other thing.  I guess I should not negate you mentioned the stimming.  Yes, that is hard to ignore.  I will just say that some of what you talk of sounds anxiety related.  Not being flexible is often about controlling one's situation which is safer.  Competitiveness can be performance anxiety.  Etc.  I would not try to classify the stimming at this point and let her develop a bit more but then you could possibly look into ocd and anxiety.  Tics are not uncommon.  

My son has a couple of tics that are anxiety related and one is with his hands.  

But I don't think you are at the point of needing psychiatric help as really, she sounds like she is doing very well for the most part.  peace and luck

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, I do believe all kids have quirks.  It doesn't sound like these things are hindering her which is good.  If she is bright to the point that she may be gifted, at some point you will know this.

For the areas that she has difficulty, start working with her.  Competitiveness, for example.  Don't let her be the big winner at home.  In fact, play with her like you are a peer and you want to win as bad as she does.  Make her go through the emotions of losing and help her learn to handle it in an appropriate way (no crying, no pouting, etc.).  You do this by acting out how she should do it, telling her what the expectations are, etc.  A lot of parents don't put their children in the position of how they feel with peers because it keeps the peace at home but this backfires.  Inflexibility, she will need to learn what is hers to control (herself) and what isn't (others).  If someone around her breaks a rule and it doesn't affect her, she must ignore it.  Again, at home, work on helping her be more flexible by mixing things up and pushing her to deal with things she is uncomfortable with.  

Help her with strategies for when she is sad or mad that involve age appropriate behavior.  Crying isn't always the best option.  You could tell her that when she calms herself down, you will talk to her about what she is upset about but not until then and ignore her until she is done crying.  Tell other people to tell her this as well.  We made it a rule that we couldn't cry unless we were really hurt.

I guess I should mention that I have a son with sensory issues and we've dealt with some of the things you mention.  with him though, it was very clear that he had the issue.  

All kids are quirky so just help her get along with peers and handle her emotions better.  good luck