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spanking
Please help...I have three boys ages 5,4 and 20 months.I didnt believe in spanking my boys at an early age and refused to although their father(who does not live with us) did and now the boys are out of hand. THey listen to their Dad and not me and now i feel like i failed as a parent and just want to give up, now he says its all because i didnt listen to him and that i should just sign the two older ones over to him. I cant give up on my kids i just need some advice or help on what to do now. I actually tried to spank them today and they pretty much laughed and said it didnt hurt which i didnt intend it to anyway i think it is too late for that but now what do i do?Any parents or people raised with/without spanking your comments will be greatly apprecciated.....I am new to this site but am really enjoying it...i love how people can just vent how they feel without anyone sayinhg they are right or wrong but just their opinion on the subject.
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I agree with Margy. I just don't believe that spanking or hitting serves any real purpose.
I was reading up on discipline the other day. Something that resonated with me...the difference between discipline (which means "to teach") and punishment. They are not one and the same, and should not be dealt with the same way. I think one of the things we all need to do as parents prior to dealing out either is to ask ourselves - what are we trying to accomplish with this. I believe children need strong boundaries. That means not giving in, no matter how much of a fuss they make. It may mean repeating yourself 100 times. It means being strong because we love them and want what is best for them.
Spanking is punishment. And like Margy said, how can we tell them not to hit when we hit them. I also use time outs which works well for my little guy. Also, if he does something like throw a toy I first tell him (calmly) "do that again and mom takes it away". If he does it again, I take it away until the next day. He is learning. Consistency and follow through are very important. If he has a temper tantrum over it, so be it.
The other thing is - I'm not sure if you are a yeller, but try really hard not to. Yelling is scary, and I know that when someone is yelling at me I tend to shut down. Keep your voice calm, but firm. I am slowly learning my I mean business voice and it works. But yelling - I just don't think that gets you anywhere.
You have NOT failed as a parent. You are like every single one of us out here. We do the best we can, love our kids and want what is best for them. We all learn as we go. Most of what I have said here I have learned from other more experienced moms, and I can't tell you how helpful it is. Something I have just implemented that another parent on here taught me. I have started rewarding. When my son does as he is asked, or does something positive, I make a huge big deal out of it and give him a sticker. He goes crazy over them. He is only 18 months, so I don't think he 100% gets it yet that it is a reward for good behaviour, but he is slowly catching on. And the way his little face lights up when I praise him is wonderful. He is now responding to the positives vs. the negatives when it comes to attention.
Discipline is a tough thing. Keep at it and keep learning. Some great books out there, and talk to other moms. But don't give up on yourself any more then you would give up on your kids. None of us are perfect parents.
I was reading up on discipline the other day. Something that resonated with me...the difference between discipline (which means "to teach") and punishment. They are not one and the same, and should not be dealt with the same way. I think one of the things we all need to do as parents prior to dealing out either is to ask ourselves - what are we trying to accomplish with this. I believe children need strong boundaries. That means not giving in, no matter how much of a fuss they make. It may mean repeating yourself 100 times. It means being strong because we love them and want what is best for them.
Spanking is punishment. And like Margy said, how can we tell them not to hit when we hit them. I also use time outs which works well for my little guy. Also, if he does something like throw a toy I first tell him (calmly) "do that again and mom takes it away". If he does it again, I take it away until the next day. He is learning. Consistency and follow through are very important. If he has a temper tantrum over it, so be it.
The other thing is - I'm not sure if you are a yeller, but try really hard not to. Yelling is scary, and I know that when someone is yelling at me I tend to shut down. Keep your voice calm, but firm. I am slowly learning my I mean business voice and it works. But yelling - I just don't think that gets you anywhere.
You have NOT failed as a parent. You are like every single one of us out here. We do the best we can, love our kids and want what is best for them. We all learn as we go. Most of what I have said here I have learned from other more experienced moms, and I can't tell you how helpful it is. Something I have just implemented that another parent on here taught me. I have started rewarding. When my son does as he is asked, or does something positive, I make a huge big deal out of it and give him a sticker. He goes crazy over them. He is only 18 months, so I don't think he 100% gets it yet that it is a reward for good behaviour, but he is slowly catching on. And the way his little face lights up when I praise him is wonderful. He is now responding to the positives vs. the negatives when it comes to attention.
Discipline is a tough thing. Keep at it and keep learning. Some great books out there, and talk to other moms. But don't give up on yourself any more then you would give up on your kids. None of us are perfect parents.
Experts have said many times that' spanking' which is the same as hitting a child in my opinion does not work, for a start if you hit then they will do it to others, how can you say no or stop your child if he hits friends at school, or home .We teach our children how to behave they copy' us , they learn their behavior from us so if we 'spank' surely they will..It is my belief that time outs work well and all the removal of privileges as they get older..children love their PC their TV their video's their sports, their friends over to play, remove them and they will toe the line . Find out what the reason is for their behavior what triggers it, older siblings can tease younger ones ,be aware of the dynamics in your house .Yes reading up about it is a good idea books have been written to help ..good luck try other ways ...hitting is a negative response.
On the Expert Behavior Forum, Dr. Kennedy mentions the use of this book "SOS - Help For Parents" many times. He claims if parents would dutifully follow the "insructions", most of the negative behaviours would disappear. You can find this information on the following website "www.sosprograms.com/" - but I suspect this book would be in your local bookstore or even, perhaps, your local library. Hope this helps ....
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