How to help my jealous child?

[joo503]

Hi, I was a single father since my daughter was one year old. I have lived in my parents house since then because until now I havn't had the opportunity to move. Me and my daughter have always been very close. As I'm with her only two nights a week, when I have her with me I give her full attention and we have a very special relation. Also, I always put her to sleep in her own bed but almost everynight she comes to my bed in the middle of the night and stays there with me. Since one year ago I have a girlfriend. At first I introduced her as being a friend and they bonded really fast. My daughter loves her and would always want to be with her, once she even cried when they had to say goodbye. By the beginning my daughter realized that she was more than a friend and told her mother that she didn't want that. Knowing this, I talked to her alone and she cried and told me that she didn't want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, she didn't want us to be together when she wasn't with us, didn't want us to kiss or to sleep together. I told her that the girl was a special friend and that if we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend she would be the first to know, but that even if that happened I would always love her the same way and that nothing would ever change because she was irreplaceable. Time passed and only 7 month after I told her that the girl was going to be my girlfriend. By that time they were also very close to each other and had spent a lot of time together, the 3 of us. When I told her she just briefly said that she didn't want it and what troubbled her the most was if we kissed on the mouth. But there was nothing else to it ... they kept playing with each other and my daughter even asked her if she could be her best friend .. etc. Now, it has been 4 month after the day I told her and her mother told me that all this time she has been saying that she doesn't like that we are boyfriend and girlfriend and that she is jealous. So I talked to her again, and explained that she could say anything to me and that it was wrong to keep that for her all this time. She started crying and saying that she didn't like that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, she didn't want to have a step mother and she was jealous of her and she wanted her mother to be my girlfriend. That day we met my girlfriend and the three of us talked. My daughter also told her this, with my help and my girlfriend even made fun of this saying that if she was going to be her step mother it would have to be one of those fairy tales like cinderela .. but then she seriously talked to my daughter and said that she also had had divorced parents and so she knows what she feels and that is normal but that she loved her very much and that nothing would change and that she should want that her father had someone who loved him and cared for them both. She seemed to be better that day but still was asking to do things only the two of us. I explained to her that we were trying to be a family, the three of us and in a family no one is left out. We went to the cinema a few days after and she was really sweet to my girlfriend, sitting on her lap, hugging her, writing that she loved her , etc.. but yesterday, we were alone and she came to me crying and asking please for us not to be boyfriend and girlfriend that she was really jealous. I am a bit desperate also with this ... I don't know what to do. What else should I say to her to make it better? We have plans to go the three of us on vacation in August ... and we were thinking of putting some mattresses on the floor and sleep the three of us there so that no one would be left out, is this still a good idea? How to proceed?

[Sandman2]

You know ( unless, I have missed it) I have seen no reference to how old your child is.  Age ( maturity ) does make a difference in how things are explained and accepted.  So how old is she now?

[RockRose]

Jo,  I think your statement of "SHould I let her feel this for a long time before she works on it?" is unrealistic.  She's going to feel the way she feels,  and it's unreasonable to have her "work on" a feeling she has that's reasonable.

It would be like,  her saying well,  you shouldn't be dating this woman while you have a minor child,  and I'm going to give you some amount of time to think on this before you work on breaking up with her.

Some children do fairly well with a broken family,  some children really really want their family to be in tact and work toward making that happen in any way they can,  including making life miserable for the new partners.

[specialmom]

It sounds like  you already have a plan then.  Good luck to you and I hope it all has a happy outcome.

[joo503]

I agree with you on the kissing matter. We never kissed in front of her. The times we kissed on the cheek were also very rare. We respect her a lot on that matter. Me and my girlfriend are expecting to live together for a long time. I have been unemployed and thats the only thing that keeps us from moving in together. Once I get a job we will move and that can be in like 2-3 month. Also, in some point I think that going to slow has given time to my daughter to create a fantasy in her head about what this could be and not actualy experiencing it the right way. In the 8 month that we didn't tell her she may have thought a million things that we don't know and now she can be imagining how it will be when we are really a family and the longer it takes to get there, more fantasies she can create and more scared of it she can be.  Thank you anyway for your comments .. every opinion is important.

[specialmom]

One other thing---  she verbalized something that many kids feel.  The fantasy of you and her mom reconciling is still in her mind.  Your being with another woman kills that fantasy.  I think most kids grow out of it naturally so don't worry about perpetuating this thought of hers.  But it is important to acknowledge that kids do suffer through divorce/separation of their parents.  It's hard on them.  They want things to be the way they were or imagine how great it would be to have their two most loved people living together again.  It's kind of sad when you think about it.  

You aren't one of those selfish parents that says "too bad.  My life. Get over it kid."  And I REALLY want you to know that I commend you for that.  You are doing this the right way to be sensitive to her feelings and to value them rather than shove them under the carpet.  peace

[specialmom]

I honestly don't think what she really 'wants' is for you to break up.  /she clearly likes her.  She just doesn't want to see you kiss . . . and honestly, for most kids that is gross.  My sons laugh when my husband and I kiss now in front of them but for a long time would rush us to get 'their' kisses.  And they have no hang ups regarding separated parents and new partners.  It's not giving into them to be mindful of what they are comfortable with.

If you only have her 2 to 3 times a week, why not have your girlfriend spend some time and then go home for the night? Again, not giving into her but being respectful of her.  She's not being a brat sir.  She is telling a trusted caregiver/person, your mom, that she doesn't really like it.  She acts polite to your girlfriend and you and only is honest about how she feels deep inside when you push her.  

That is different than the situations you hear of when a child is being rude or obnoxious about things.  She just has feelings which is okay for her to have.  The giving into her part is kind of unkind on your part when she wasn't demanding anything but simply expressing her feelings.

She has some insecurities.  She's not ready to be a 'family' but is still struggling with her place with her dad.  If you push things on her----  I will almost guarantee that is when you'll get obnoxious and rude behavior down the road.  if you continue to ease her into it without expectations that she feels it is wonderful RIGHT NOW because you do---  she may grow into the situation nicely.  We can never have too many people to love us and a step mom that loves us can be a great thing.  

But she will only be a step mom if you marry her.  If you plan on being with your girlfriend long term, I'd continue to date, ease your daughter into things, and then marry your girlfriend down the road.  You can have a ceremony down the road and include her in it.  In a year or two, she may think that is pretty cool.  

Relationships in which there are children from a previous relationship fail most of the time.  That is a known statistic.  You don't want to be a statistic so doing this slowly and the right way is really critical.  

Your girlfriend trying to be friends, cuddle and treat her special is wonderful.  It shouldn't be done with expectations that she then say 'yes, I love you and want you to live with my dad" but rather in a more genuine way.  She IS special.  

I really don't think you can go too slow if it is helping your child.  She WILL adapt.  And then you can move onto happier times.  You are lucky that she is just venting some feelings and not acting out like a lot of kids do.  It is hard to go back once that starts.  

by the way, what are things like with her mom?

[joo503]

Hi. I do spend a lot of time only with her. I don't live with my girlfriend and so I'm almost always with her in my parents house so that is not an issue. I refer to her that we are a family so that she understands that we love her and no one is a threat to her .. that we want to love and care for each other and a girlfriend is a girlfriend a daughter is a daughter. She stays with me 2-3 times a week. We have been dating for one year and we want to live together so we want to prepare her for that. I don't think I should give her what she wants which is to break up with my girlfriend or from now on do things only with her without my girlfriend ... She needs to be strong and learn how to deal with feelings like this .. she will only learn that if she is confronted with them, so yes I reinforce that we are a family and that we should be together .. and that my girlfriend loves her and is only her friend and never a step mother in the way she thinks of. But I do spend time only with her and always will. I just don't know what else to say to her. I accept what she feels and she knows it but I also want her to grow up as a strong person who doesn't run away from difficult feelings and instead works on them. I also think that she can learn much more from my actions than from my words ... I want to show her what a true healthy love relation is and that goes by being a good boyfriend and showing that me and my girlfriend care for each other and for her. Of course we almost dont even touch when my daughter is around but some day we will have kids and live together and I want my daughter to be prepared for this. We have been doing everyghing gradually and maybe almost too slow for her own good. She in the special one, when we are the three of us, both of us give her full attention .. my girlfriend spends 100% of the time playing with her or cuddling with her so she has all the reasons to feel special. And still she feels this way. I don't know if she is affraid of the future .. if she imagines that my girlfriend will change to be an aevil stepmother or something like this. So I really wanted practical advice as to ... is it still to soon too have a "family" relationship the three of us, is it too soon to want her to get used to the idea of me having a girlfriend? When will it not be too soon? SHould I let her feel this for a long time before she works on it? What to do?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I do admire how worried about your daughter's feelings you are.  I think you will have to strike some kind of balance.  If your daughter verbalizes to you that she wants to sometimes do things with JUST you---  leave your girlfriend at home and go spend time one on one with your daughter.  This may help reassure her that she will still be number one.  Let her know that she means more to you than the girlfriend but you love the girlfriend too.  But SHE is your number one priority.  Do not force the 'we are a family' thing.  Instead, give her what she needs.  Time with the both of you and time on her own with you.  

I also think you must be very careful in how you approach her after she talks to your mother.  that she has SOMEONE to open up to is important.  You can't then run and tell her that she should have told you or she'll eventually trust no one and keep it all inside.  

How often is she staying with you?  Your daughter?