Aa
Anyone have any good jokes?
I am so ready to lighten up a bit and laugh.
Please share if you have something. :-)
Please share if you have something. :-)
rofl, sorry! LOL
Oh no!! Yick. LOL
I was ready to put a bite of lasagne into my mouth as I was reading this!!
And I thought I was wild....
I was ready to put a bite of lasagne into my mouth as I was reading this!!
And I thought I was wild....
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude, the hypnotist,exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude said: "I want you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized. The watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
SH*T! said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center .
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude said: "I want you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized. The watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
SH*T! said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center .
You are so funny.
I kind of like that Image of the cave man saying "Woman!" but I think it probably belongs in the land aging fantasies.
Thank God for the imaginiation-lol
Good ones, Brice. I don't know why one liners set me off like that, but they do.
I kind of like that Image of the cave man saying "Woman!" but I think it probably belongs in the land aging fantasies.
Thank God for the imaginiation-lol
Good ones, Brice. I don't know why one liners set me off like that, but they do.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?".
A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve food here".
An Irishman walks out of a bar....... it could happen.
(I'm part Polish)
2 Polocks walk into a bar. You'd think that at least one of them would have seen it.
A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve food here".
An Irishman walks out of a bar....... it could happen.
(I'm part Polish)
2 Polocks walk into a bar. You'd think that at least one of them would have seen it.
Lol--Yours took longer to read-very good!
LOL!
LOL, you guys are crazy! But funny!
A mother takes her son Jimmy to the zoo. When they came to the elephants one of them had an erection. Jimmy asked his mom what it was and she just said "it's nothing Jimmy" as she struggled to control her embarrassment. Two weeks later Jimmy's dad took him to the same zoo and once again one of the elephants had an erection. Jimmy asked his dad what it was and his dad answered "That my boy is an elephant's penis". Jimmy replied "I asked mom what it was and she said it was nothing" to which his father exclaimed "Your mother's spoiled Jimmy".
http://newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html
Not exactly jokes, but hey they got links.
"Not Into Politics: Lowell Turpin, 40, was arrested in Anderson County, Tenn., in July after he became jealously enraged at a stranger's photo on his live-in girlfriend's Facebook page and, demanding to know who the man is, allegedly punched her in the face and smashed her computer. According to the police report, it was a campaign photo of Mitt Romney. [Knoxville News Sentinel, 7-30-2012]"
"-- A centuries-old practice of China's upper crust continues today, reported Slate.com in August, except with a bit more circumspection. Rich and/or powerful people on trial or convicted can still get away with hiring replacements to serve their sentences -- but because of ubiquitous Internet videos, only if the replacements facially resemble the perps. Since the rich person winds up paying for his conviction (though a relatively small price), Slate called the practice ("ding zui") sort of a "cap-and-trade" policy for crime. [Slate.com, 8-2-2012]"
"-- Bright Ideas: New signs were posted on doors of single-use restrooms in two medical clinics in Halifax, Nova Scotia, in July and immediately confused a transgender activist interviewed by Canadian Broadcasting Corporation News. Three silhouette figures appear on the door: a man, a woman, and what is supposedly a gay-lesbian-bisexual-transgender (which is a half-man, half-woman with the right-hand side of the figure wearing a dress and with sloping shoulders and the left-hand side with the thicker pant legs of a man). Said the activist, "I understand they were trying to ... make people feel included, but..." [CBC News, 7-13-2012]"
"Finally responding to defense lawyers, the U.S. Department of Justice acknowledged that it has been trying to keep certain North Carolina inmates locked up even though judges had declared them legally innocent. About 60 prisoners, according to a June USA Today investigation, were victims of an incorrect interpretation of federal gun-possession law supposedly rectified by a May 2011 U.S. Court of Appeals decision, but the Justice Department had continued to demand holds, for 12 months, arguing that somehow it still needed time to consider the men's records. (Some of the inmates are serving time for multiple counts and would only be eligible for sentence reductions.) In August, the department, sportingly, said it would stop opposing release of the men who had been ruled innocent more than a year earlier. [USA Today, 8-14-2012, 6-14-2012]"
"Armed and Clumsy (all-new!)
Men Who Accidentally Shot Themselves Recently: A man in Wawa, Ontario, in July, clubbing a mouse with the butt end of a rifle. The 56-year-old man in Sparks, Nev., who brought his handgun with him to "The Bourne Legacy" after the Colorado massacre and was shot in the buttocks when it fell to the floor. Two men who shot themselves in the genitals (a 45-year-old in Birmingham, Mich., in June and 36-year-old Tavares Colbert in Oklahoma City in July). Tough guys like the 18-year-old in Philadelphian who fired the unloaded (he thought!) gun at his own head after his "manhood" was challenged, and the 17-year-old in Largo, Fla., in June who lost in the first round at Russian roulette. Two people didn't even need a gun to shoot themselves: a Modesto, Calif., weightlifter whose dumbbell slipped to the floor in April and landed on a bullet, and a 56-year-old woman in Montoursville, Pa., who apparently carries bullets in her purse, and somehow had one explode, wounding her. [Wawa: [Toronto Sun, 7-21-2012] Sparks: [Associated Press via Salon.com, 8-15-2012] Birmingham: [Detroit Free Press, 6-15-2012] Oklahoma City: [KWTV (Oklahoma City), 7-16-2012] Philadelphia: [Philadelphia Daily News, 6-7-2012] Largo: [Tampa Bay Times, 7-1-2012] Modesto: [Associated Press via WMBF-TV (Myrtle Beach, S.C.), 4-13-2012] Montoursville: [Williamsport (Pa.) Sun-Gazette, 6-11-2012]"
Not exactly jokes, but hey they got links.
"Not Into Politics: Lowell Turpin, 40, was arrested in Anderson County, Tenn., in July after he became jealously enraged at a stranger's photo on his live-in girlfriend's Facebook page and, demanding to know who the man is, allegedly punched her in the face and smashed her computer. According to the police report, it was a campaign photo of Mitt Romney. [Knoxville News Sentinel, 7-30-2012]"
"-- A centuries-old practice of China's upper crust continues today, reported Slate.com in August, except with a bit more circumspection. Rich and/or powerful people on trial or convicted can still get away with hiring replacements to serve their sentences -- but because of ubiquitous Internet videos, only if the replacements facially resemble the perps. Since the rich person winds up paying for his conviction (though a relatively small price), Slate called the practice ("ding zui") sort of a "cap-and-trade" policy for crime. [Slate.com, 8-2-2012]"
"-- Bright Ideas: New signs were posted on doors of single-use restrooms in two medical clinics in Halifax, Nova Scotia, in July and immediately confused a transgender activist interviewed by Canadian Broadcasting Corporation News. Three silhouette figures appear on the door: a man, a woman, and what is supposedly a gay-lesbian-bisexual-transgender (which is a half-man, half-woman with the right-hand side of the figure wearing a dress and with sloping shoulders and the left-hand side with the thicker pant legs of a man). Said the activist, "I understand they were trying to ... make people feel included, but..." [CBC News, 7-13-2012]"
"Finally responding to defense lawyers, the U.S. Department of Justice acknowledged that it has been trying to keep certain North Carolina inmates locked up even though judges had declared them legally innocent. About 60 prisoners, according to a June USA Today investigation, were victims of an incorrect interpretation of federal gun-possession law supposedly rectified by a May 2011 U.S. Court of Appeals decision, but the Justice Department had continued to demand holds, for 12 months, arguing that somehow it still needed time to consider the men's records. (Some of the inmates are serving time for multiple counts and would only be eligible for sentence reductions.) In August, the department, sportingly, said it would stop opposing release of the men who had been ruled innocent more than a year earlier. [USA Today, 8-14-2012, 6-14-2012]"
"Armed and Clumsy (all-new!)
Men Who Accidentally Shot Themselves Recently: A man in Wawa, Ontario, in July, clubbing a mouse with the butt end of a rifle. The 56-year-old man in Sparks, Nev., who brought his handgun with him to "The Bourne Legacy" after the Colorado massacre and was shot in the buttocks when it fell to the floor. Two men who shot themselves in the genitals (a 45-year-old in Birmingham, Mich., in June and 36-year-old Tavares Colbert in Oklahoma City in July). Tough guys like the 18-year-old in Philadelphian who fired the unloaded (he thought!) gun at his own head after his "manhood" was challenged, and the 17-year-old in Largo, Fla., in June who lost in the first round at Russian roulette. Two people didn't even need a gun to shoot themselves: a Modesto, Calif., weightlifter whose dumbbell slipped to the floor in April and landed on a bullet, and a 56-year-old woman in Montoursville, Pa., who apparently carries bullets in her purse, and somehow had one explode, wounding her. [Wawa: [Toronto Sun, 7-21-2012] Sparks: [Associated Press via Salon.com, 8-15-2012] Birmingham: [Detroit Free Press, 6-15-2012] Oklahoma City: [KWTV (Oklahoma City), 7-16-2012] Philadelphia: [Philadelphia Daily News, 6-7-2012] Largo: [Tampa Bay Times, 7-1-2012] Modesto: [Associated Press via WMBF-TV (Myrtle Beach, S.C.), 4-13-2012] Montoursville: [Williamsport (Pa.) Sun-Gazette, 6-11-2012]"
The foreplay at my house consists of one line. Woman! You gonna be good to me today? Now that along with the normal absense of hormones as you get older is why we watch soap operas and live in fantasy lands at my age. LOL Reality bites!
How did that "foreploying" go? Is it worth trying?
Well I can certainly identify with that joke!!!! What was that called again? Whichever way you say it, it is definately a joke on me in my house! LOL
I love your style. You're funny!!
I know many an ignoranas but will NOT name names.
Teko, you are one funny chick too!! Love it,
Okay, I'm off for some foreploy with my husband. (now THAT is a joke-ha)
I know many an ignoranas but will NOT name names.
Teko, you are one funny chick too!! Love it,
Okay, I'm off for some foreploy with my husband. (now THAT is a joke-ha)
Aachh! Hilarious.
So sorry! http://www.todaysmachiningworld.com/the-washington-posts-mensa-invitational/
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!"
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!"
Sorry, don't mean to be a hard a$$, but you gotta have a link for all posts that start a new thread? The one to the Washington Post will do, for now.
In case you missed it. Here is the Washington Post 's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee! intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee! intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
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